I knelt there hunched over the bathtub, warm water cascading through my fingers as they rhythmically squeezed a saturated onesie in hopes of dislodging as many bits of hummus colored infant poo as possible, the aftermath of a diaper malfunction 5 minutes prior. When a man is on his knees, in the trenches with poo, he ponders things.
"I have been entrusted with a responsibility," I thought. "Huggies has made me a Wipes Ambassador." Ambassadorism is in my blood. My father was an ambassador. OK, so he represented a country with a GDP of $383.3 billion, and I'm reppin' butt wipes, but still. There's got to be a spectrum that exists somewhere that we would both fall under.
Because dammit, I'm good at this.
Look at my track record. I tell everyone who will listen that Huggies wipes are the best wipes I have ever used. They are strong. They wipe. What more could you want from a ... wipe? Don't ever underestimate the power of "strong" when it comes to cleaning up in aisle number 2. Ever have toilet paper rip on you? I rest my case. Huggies wipes are also the best "first pass" wipe I've used. Poop wiping isn't like driving a zamboni. Going over the same spot twice doesn't make it smoother. It just "spreads the peanut butter," so to speak.
Technically my job here is done. As part of my ambassadorship, I was required to give you about 250 words of my honest opinion. But like I said. This ambassador stuff is in my blood. My dad never punched the clock at 5pm. He represented 24/7. He went above and beyond. And I owe you, and the butt wipe industry, a little more.
So, this campaign I'm involved in is basically a challenge for me to live "Poo Free" this summer. Huggies sent me a ton of wipes to help me achieve that. I determined pretty early on that this was futile. You cannot use wipes to curtail the "mudflap" upspray you get from a gaseous infant and loose diapers. That's what blowout preventors are for. In theory. You cannot use wipes to curb a baby's instinct to go free range fertilizer on you in that 5 second window between balling up the old diaper and sliding the new one underneath. In all fairness, living "Poo-mishap-reduced" was still a great improvement on my quality of life. And as every good ambassador should do, I began to think of other arenas in which these wipes might make a positive difference.
I had to start with the greatest need of all. Could I live "Lindsay Lohan free"?
My quality of life index just jumped 5 points.
What about "Animal Poo free"?
I may eat dogfood for your blog entertainment, but even I have a line.
Perhaps "Vegetable Free" because I hate them even though I'm a parent and should set a good example.
Mom will kill me when she sees this. But I have to say, success!
It's always important to find substitutes for TV, so I owed it to myself to look into living "Television Free"
That's supposed to be an origami crane. Ok, how about an origami cabbage? Asteroid?
Most of my day is spent at the office, so maybe if I could live "deliverables free" it would make life easier.
If only I had known it was this easy...
I'm trying to be a better eco-citizen. Perhaps if I tried to edge toward "Carbon Footprint free"...
Well, the car didn't start. But I think that saved a tree.
I couldn't make it to the Blogher conference this year. So while my blog friends were partying it up in NYC, I was home drinking coffee and writing this blog post. I needed to find a way to live "Not-going-to-blogher-tears free"
Maybe Huggies will fly me to the United Nations someday.