Wipes, Three Ways
Friday, August 6, 2010 I knelt there hunched over the bathtub, warm water cascading through my fingers as they rhythmically squeezed a saturated onesie in hopes of dislodging as many bits of hummus colored infant poo as possible, the aftermath of a diaper malfunction 5 minutes prior. When a man is on his knees, in the trenches with poo, he ponders things.
"I have been entrusted with a responsibility," I thought. "Huggies has made me a Wipes Ambassador." Ambassadorism is in my blood. My father was an ambassador. OK, so he represented a country with a GDP of $383.3 billion, and I'm reppin' butt wipes, but still. There's got to be a spectrum that exists somewhere that we would both fall under.
Because dammit, I'm good at this.
Look at my track record. I tell everyone who will listen that Huggies wipes are the best wipes I have ever used. They are strong. They wipe. What more could you want from a ... wipe? Don't ever underestimate the power of "strong" when it comes to cleaning up in aisle number 2. Ever have toilet paper rip on you? I rest my case. Huggies wipes are also the best "first pass" wipe I've used. Poop wiping isn't like driving a zamboni. Going over the same spot twice doesn't make it smoother. It just "spreads the peanut butter," so to speak.
Technically my job here is done. As part of my ambassadorship, I was required to give you about 250 words of my honest opinion. But like I said. This ambassador stuff is in my blood. My dad never punched the clock at 5pm. He represented 24/7. He went above and beyond. And I owe you, and the butt wipe industry, a little more.
So, this campaign I'm involved in is basically a challenge for me to live "Poo Free" this summer. Huggies sent me a ton of wipes to help me achieve that. I determined pretty early on that this was futile. You cannot use wipes to curtail the "mudflap" upspray you get from a gaseous infant and loose diapers. That's what blowout preventors are for. In theory. You cannot use wipes to curb a baby's instinct to go free range fertilizer on you in that 5 second window between balling up the old diaper and sliding the new one underneath. In all fairness, living "Poo-mishap-reduced" was still a great improvement on my quality of life. And as every good ambassador should do, I began to think of other arenas in which these wipes might make a positive difference.
I had to start with the greatest need of all. Could I live "Lindsay Lohan free"?
My quality of life index just jumped 5 points.
What about "Animal Poo free"?
I may eat dogfood for your blog entertainment, but even I have a line.
Perhaps "Vegetable Free" because I hate them even though I'm a parent and should set a good example.
Mom will kill me when she sees this. But I have to say, success!
It's always important to find substitutes for TV, so I owed it to myself to look into living "Television Free"
That's supposed to be an origami crane. Ok, how about an origami cabbage? Asteroid?
Most of my day is spent at the office, so maybe if I could live "deliverables free" it would make life easier.
If only I had known it was this easy...
I'm trying to be a better eco-citizen. Perhaps if I tried to edge toward "Carbon Footprint free"...
Well, the car didn't start. But I think that saved a tree.
I couldn't make it to the Blogher conference this year. So while my blog friends were partying it up in NYC, I was home drinking coffee and writing this blog post. I needed to find a way to live "Not-going-to-blogher-tears free"
Stupid contacts.
Maybe Huggies will fly me to the United Nations someday.
Reader Comments (14)
i love the look on your son's face as he tried to decide what to do about that huggies wipes crane. priceless! i agree about the wipes though. we used them when my kids were little and we still use them today. i don't have to buy them quite as often, but we ALWAYS have a box or 2 on hand. and my youngest is 10!
Good to know. Keeping the Huggies info locked up tight in the file cabinet labeled "baby" that keeps inching its way to the front of my brain.
Can I be the assistant to the Ambassador because I have one to add! Huggies wipes are also really good eye make-up removers!
pet wipes! easier than a soapy bath esp if you have cats! Actually I was just cat wiping a few minutes ago. They were outside rolling in dirt and good luck to anyone who tries to give them a water bath.
Lol fury's expression :)
Okay, I loved the last few videos you did (but failed to comment, bad me). I love your photojournalistic skills here with examining life "free". I'm working on living whine-free lately. (Not wine-free: much easier to do, but much less pleasurable.)
I personally love Huggies wipes. I still use them. Shhhh!!! Don't tell anybody! Cuz it's just creepy when you don't have a baby anymore but you're trolling the baby aisle in the store stocking up on Huggies wipes. But I do. My butt deserves it.
That being said, I always preferred Pampers diapers to Huggies. They held more/better. Maybe that would help? Anyways.... good luck living "free".
I think my husband is jealous because you made me laugh so freaking hard. Especially with the TPS report. Oh lordy...
Nice origami. That takes real skill.
OMG, I've read quite a few Huggies Ambassador posts and yours is the best. HYSTERICAL!
Love the crane! And the look on Fury's face!
[Gotta admit the animal poo pic was gross but funny, too! I live with 4 people who absolutely love 'potty humor' and everything else poo and poot laced! :o) ]
Great post. You do make a great ambassador!
And...you were missed at BlogHer. I had a BLAST and really would have loved to grab a Jack&Coke with you!
Wonderful job playing the Huggie Ambassador. I did not realize that Huggie is such a liberator. Great post!
Ha, love this post! You are always so entertaining :)
When I saw the title to this post on my updated blog roll, I knew I had to make a note to be sure to read it. And, as in true fashion you held up to humor me!
You are so super funny! Cool, and a great Dad!
Since I've had children, I've learned that I will never. Ever. Be without 'wetwipes' again. I use them in quick household clean-ups, on the way to school unexpected messes, to clean the baseboards and more. Life without wetwipes, is not a full life, LOL!!!
Do you FB with your blog followers? I'd love to share your witts with mine!
Also don't forget: they are perfect for removing crayon or ink from sofas and other places that aren't supposed to contain crayon. And, you can poke a popsicle through the middle of one and use it as a drip guard, thereby protecting all manner of clothes, carpets, etc., and then follow up once the stick is empty to use the thing to clean sticky fingers and mouths. I know, I am awesome. ;)
Nice blog. I just started when my son turned two to remember and try and show some humor in the next year. dadsviewoftwo.blogspot.com is the site