When Left To My Own Devices...
Sunday, August 9, 2009 ... I break one of them (digital camera) and I lose another (my Blackberry) to the watery depths of a Southern California reservoir. I say this for two reasons: to apologize for the crappy quality of the photos in this post (as I had to make do with the snapshot function of my video cam) and to apologize to those of you who interact with me outside this blog for not returning any phone calls or text messages lately. With that out of the way, let's rewind to the beginning.
d Wife leaves me twice a year for about 2 weeks at a time to attend tradeshows for her job. For the most part, it goes quite smoothly, for there's not much she can do for this household that I can't, and vice versa. We enjoy what you'd call a very business-trip-friendly family dynamic. However, she's been gone nearly a week now, and let's just say it only takes a few days of solo parenting for your true strengths and weaknesses to show.
Regarding Pets
It's not that I forget to feed them, I just keep forgetting the fact that we're missing the one piece of the puzzle that's usually required to complete such a task.
Dude. We do not run on photosynthesis.
But admit it, I rock at adding cool new pets to the Busy household. Meet Hisser, the hissing cockroach:
If it dies, I'll just call it "good pest control."
Of course we had to first relocate the last critter cage resident before Hisser could move his stuff in.
Meet Mother Bates, the praying mantis who laid her eggs in there and died. THREE years ago. We put a wig on her and placed her by the windowsill.
Regarding Recreational Activities
In general, I'm not very good at not enjoying beverages of the brewed and/or distilled variety. And my "d Wife on business trip" dishwasher load kind of reflects that.
I should really ease up on that creme brulee.
But my buddy Toheed the Contractor was willing to drive.
He had just refurbished this old speed boat. The risk of getting stranded would make anyone giddy.
But first, we had to stop off at his service station to wash the boat.
There's got to be an easier way to earn a Capri Sun.
And it was all good.
We planned to fish, but fishing sucks in SoCal, so rather than set him up for disappointment, we just opted to ride around, really really really fast.
When I look at this picture, two words come to mind: Jan Hammer.
Things were going great until the boat broke down. And I discovered that although we were lucky that it broke down at a dock on which we stopped to buy more beer, the boat ramp was about 100 feet away. This meant tying ropes to the boat, which meant bending over, which always means my gut likes to press the release button on my Blackberry harness, which means I should have seen it coming. But I didn't. And in slow motion it fell (heart attack), and then landed on the dock (relief), and then fell out of its protective case (oh that's fine, that's what it's for), and then bounced (lunge) and went over the edge (noooooooo...). Kerplunk.
And I still had to hand tow that sucker to the boat ramp.
I know, that's Toheed and Fury towing it. Let's just say he knows I need to abandon most things halfway in order to "blog it."While all this was happening, I was totally sucking at something else: remembering birthday parties that we had RSVP'd for. d Wife has a knack for schedules. And like a tailbone or appendix, my ability to remember key dates has rendered itself obselete in my 8 years of marriage because I just rely on her to remind me of things we need to do. I mean, I DID remember it. I just thought it was on Sunday, rather than Saturday (which doesn't work for weddings, flights, court dates and job interviews, either). So this is my apology in writing to Lolita and her son Jaden for showing up 8 hours late to the party.
Regarding Food and Dining
On the few days during the week when I'm actually lucky enough to share a meal with my family, d Wife makes it a point to turn off all electronic devices and enjoy some quality time together at the dinner table. I applaud that and totally agree. But Fury is going to grow up to be a business traveler if watching his old man has any impact on his future career choices. So I might as well get him used to eating at the bar with his laptop.
Lisa, that is not tupperware we are eating out of. It is an atmospheric anomaly, like what happens when people take pictures of "UFOs."
I also feel that in addition to his professional life, I am responsible for teaching my boy how to survive in the wild. And you can be damn sure that no son of mine is ever going to starve in the woods because he couldn't find a serving platter!
On a boat, we go by the "5-hour rule."
But this doesn't mean I won't expose him to the finer things in life, for a man's ability to appreciate classy culinary establishments from an early age is of the utmost importance when forging a true gentleman.
Because the wings are great. And I read Playboy for the articles.Regarding Awesomeness
"Hey dad, what time is it?"
"Um, it's 8:55."
"No, it's not, Dad."
"Well, look at my watch, what time does this look like to you?"
"It's time to get ill."
Raising my boy.
I'm doing it right.
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Reader Comments (43)
I just died laughing. If I list all the reasons why, it would be like writing a post. Which I don't even do on my blog, why would I do it on yours?
One thing? Please, PLEASE love and water Krypto. That is the saddest face I've ever SEEN.
*sigh*
Hysterical. Truly. And those poor dogs, I think I'm worried more about them. They look so sad.
5 hours. FIVE.HOURS. You are, my friend, no longer the BusyDad; you are a mom. Welcome to the club. : )
Ok, this post has PERFECT TIMING for me b/c I just left my husband and boys alone for the weekend while I attended a wedding. I received texts from my husband that said things like "Decided we needed an au pair. Have gone to the beach to conduct interviews."
My response was the same as d Wife's response up there. :)
At least you broke your devices and not your ribs...or any other bone in your testosterone-flooded body.
Well to me it looks like he's having an awesome time! (Sorry, d Wife...totally true).
And major props working Jan Hammer into your post. There are not a lot of people around who can do that.
Lisa, you have to look at the big picture here. Both your husband and son are alive. And they didn't run from the cops (this time.) It's all you've got - hang onto it.
(can you imagine how happy those dogs are going to be to see you?????)
I love the look of that poor dog on the left. He's SO over you!
cue miami vice music....wwwereeerrrr!
too funny, but give the poor dogs some food! :(((
That Krypto has the sad / hungry / resentful look DOWN.
Yeah. 8 hours late. Lisa, can't wait til you're back :)
So funny! What can I say. You are such a man. LOL
I was totally thinking Miami Vice when I saw that pic, that is awesome
That look on krypto's face is pure classic. LOL Still laughing!
You didn't go swimming for you Blackberry? :D
Tupperare has two uses in my book...
1) a bowl for eating out of
2) A Petri Dish for growing experimental bacteria in the refrigerator.
Later dude!
I have that exact martini light. It's in my office just below the velvet Elvis and other things my wife won't let me put anywhere else.
you inspire me to be an awesome parent, busydad, seriously. you are like, the best dad EVAR.
fury is one lucky kid.
can you adopt me?
Totally and absolutely 100% right.
i wish my ex-husband had been like you. perhaps then, things might have turned out different.
no, i would still have divorced his sorry ass, but my boys would have had a better time.
You don't want Fury leaning this stuff on the street after all.
I want to know what you were holding behind you to get Krypto to give you that look because doood ;-) LOL
and holy crap. hissing cockroach! My whole body just erupted in heebies.
Jim, this might be one of the funniest things ever. The pic of Fury at the end... brilliant ;-) Bless his little heart.
I'm not sure my husband would survive 2 weeks alone with the kids. I would love to see a documentary about it, though. Too, funny!
Looks like a lot of fun! Sorry about the Blackberry and the camera, that's no fun.
Our dogs don't run on photosynthesis either. Darn shame!
This post reminds me of those Sprint-Nextel 'what if firefighters ran the world' commercials. What if a Busy Dad ran the world?
Enjoyed this tale!
I loved this; especially the business traveler training. Enjoy him now...school will start soon, right?
Any chance your wife will come home with swag? I'm guessing not, but I'm curious.
" I'm not very good at not enjoying beverages of the brewed and/or distilled variety...'
Best. Sentence. Ever.
My phone, too, met a watery grave just last week! My daughter convinced me to get in the pool, and without hesitation, I got in. And realized after the wife came looking for us, that my phone and gate remote were in my lower cargo pocket. Sux!!!
And when they know to say, "it's time to get ill," you know you're on the right track, my friend! That's awesome.
Hilarious!!
Oh man I laughed so hard. It always seems like you two have far too much fun together!
Now, that is how to have "guy's weekend" in grand style. And thanks for getting the theme to "Miami Vice" stuck in my head. Didn't Jan Hammer do the theme to that cartoon show "Droids" back in the 80's? Yeah, I was a fan... of Schon & Hammer, I mean.
Your poor puppies! Too bad they couldn't get in on the Cheetoh/ beer/ creme brule action.
This was hysterical Jim. Lisa is a very brave woman to leave you both for two weeks at a time...first, new critters inhabit, next what will it be ... bloggers ;)?
Fury is the cutest, absolutely the cutest!
Time to get ill.
Nice.
I totally had a sympathy heart attack for you when I read that you drowned your Crackberry. I'd rather puke in tinfoil and eat it than lose my Crackberry!!!
I totally forgot how much hot cheetos were soo good!
I just have two words, and even those I will morp into one:
F'awesome.
Ahahahaha! Poor doggies! Those photos are great!
Hissing cockroach???? OMG I hope to heck you are kidding... ewwwww.
TOO funny! LOVE the pic of Fury 'going fast'! :o)
The last time I went out of town, I came home to find a freezer full of ice cream bars and ice cream sandwiches. I could not believe my husband would sneak out and buy that crap just because I wasn't around! So I ate them all. I totally showed him.
awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!
so cute
Love the Red Sox cap! Go Sox!
The Commish
Isn't there a legal limit on how much fun a kid can have?!
Great post! Liked the boat pics!! BTW, have you trained your dogs.. to look so mournful??
I just found your blog -- you are too funny! I hope the dogs survived -- the white one has a twin that lives at my house. ;)