The Grisliest: a crime scene investigation
Thursday, August 12, 2010 The following is a guest post written by Dextero Morgane, Poo Spatter Analyst, Miami Metro Police Dept.
It isn't pretty. It never is. Mostly because the worst offenders are always so cute. They fully distract you with their angelic cooing, full-cheeked smiles and tiny feet. Oh, the feet! And by the time most victims realize what's happening, they're a full arm's reach and at least 4 seconds of unfolding time away from a fresh, tightly secured diaper.
Mid-Change Pooing. The grisliest of baby-on-parent crimes.
I was recently called in to investigate a code #2, and I want to give you a glimpse what goes on behind the scenes. Not because I want to shock you, but because this is a crime that the public needs to be aware of. We can't just Purell our collective hands and pretend it doesn't happen. In fact, listen out your window right now. You might hear the characteristic "eeeeeeewwwwwww. ew. ew. EWW. Honey? omigodomigodomigod!" that victims of this crime invariably proclaim as it is being perpetrated upon them. These were probably this victim's final words -- before he stripped off every item of clothing and bolted into the shower.
The surveillance footage we obtained from nearby closed circuit cameras was quite lousy. Luckily, the Google Street Maps Van exists. It never misses a beat:
Judging from the placement of the stains, I would estimate the origin of the poo to be roughly 6 or 7 feet to the left of this crib. However, there is a noticeable break in the pattern, indicating some sort of obstacle interrupting the poo flow mid-flight.
The above picture indicates that the crib got hit with an unhindered poo stream, almost mocking the diaper pail directly beneath it.
Too little too late. With his arm covered in poo, the victim is seen here trying to stem the flow. More out of reflex than any real hope.
I had seen this pattern before. And I had a hunch who the suspect might be. But I had to model the poo spatter to really break down what happened that day:
The spatter pattern on the side of the crib was forceful and unhindered, spraying in a downward trajectory. This tells me the perpetrator was diaperless the moment she struck. The continuous unbroken stream also indicates that the victim was unaware of any problems when this happened, or else he would have reflexively stuck out a hand or arm in a futile effort to "catch" the poo. He was most likely looking the other direction to grab a new diaper.
This spot is about 3 feet further from the original impact point shown above. I'm hypothesizing that upon realizing that a poo stream had begun, the victim tried desperately to lift the baby's legs up to tuck one side of the new diaper under her. In doing so, he altered the angle and trajectory of the poo stream, thus sending it over the top of the rail and producing a perfect quadruple rainbow of poo.
Realizing the gravity of the new situation, as well as the baby's gastro-pneumatic potential, the victim then valiantly attempted to redirect as much of the poo stream to the new, albeit hastily laid out diaper underneath the baby. The poo stream hit his arm at full velocity, sending a good amount of poo into the diaper, and a small but strip-worthy amount onto his PJs.
This baby had power. This baby was capable of recharging and reloading. This baby utilized impeccable timing. I have seen this baby's handiwork before. Her name is Hannibal Lessi and she is on a mission to crush the Huggies Poo Free movement.
I don't know where she's headed next. All I can do is follow the trail and clean up after her. Good citizens, be vigilant. And carry plenty of wipes.
* * * * * *
What was this all about?
I'm one of the Huggies Wipes Ambassadors, aka Poo Free Parent Squad. To celebrate the fact that Huggies Wipes are the thickEST wipes (vs National Brands) they’ve dedicated an entire week to celebrate this essential superlative (at least when it comes to wiping poo). Throughout the past week, the entire Poo Free Parent Squad has shared posts that highlight the silliEST, funniEST, poopiEST, craziEST, cutEST aspects of parenthood and poop tales. Check out the rest of the ‘EST’ party on their Facebook and Twitter pages.
Reader Comments (20)
Gross....soo gross...
And random factoid, you cannot get DNA from poo...my daily Forensic training for you.
I never experienced mid-change poop but have had the displeasure of watery poop running down my arm as I hold my two year old in the Comedy section of Blockbuster. Could have used a PSI (Poop Scene Investigator) for that one. Love the Hanibal mask in the last scene. Very efficient swaddle too.
what a cute and dangerous mission! I think she does it on purpose so she can laugh at you. Remember Fury doing his ol "doo doo on you!" gag? That was pretty scary and cute too. ha!
Oh no you diin't! You did NOT put that mask on her!!!
I'm thinking you have waaaaay too much time on your hands. I have a garage that needs cleaning and a yard to mow. Head on over and occupy thyself with less dangerous tasks. She is obviously a girl on a mission.
Can I just say that between this and the shock collar post, your blog is on fire this week? I haven't laughed out loud over the printed word in a really long time. (Printed? Whatever. You know what I mean.)
Great poo-crime breakdown. Can I call you guys in for vomit-crimes? Just wondering.....
hahahaha.......you crack me up. That is brilliant.
It was that last photo that finally did me in and brought on the snorting along with the laughter. Well done, BD!
Did you have to police the brass or did you have a flunkie do that? Mighty fine detective work on this. She must be one tough little cookie.
See?
I told you watching Dexter was a good idea.
Lord, you bring the funny.
And I'm so conflicted with the baby in that mask. All that pretty Asian does not need to be covered. :)
This post is very creative. I never thought PSI (Poo Scene Investigation ) could be so fascinating.
Bahahaha. I love the yarn. When my child was just wee thing of 4 or so months of age, he caught a viral thing. Which caused his butt to do this exorcist thing I had no idea babies were capable of. It was green, and shot three feet out of his butt an onto the wall. You could have powered my house with that energy if you could harness it in some sort of baby powered hydro power plant.
You are not a lone victim in the perpetration of this crime. So many have befallen this before. The pain and victimization of such horrors stretch even further than just the poor person with their hands at ground zero. A perfect example of this is right here, http://worldofweasels.blogspot.com/2009/02/baby-steps.html
If you need a support group, just say the word.
Very funny!
LOL LOL I am crapping MY pants laughing at all this!
OMG, Hannibal Lessi - this had me cracking up big time!
Glad to see that being a father of two has matured you somewhat Jim ;)! Hope you're doing well!
omg this is the funniest thing i've read in a long time, especially since my sister just had a baby and i'm sure i'll have a similar experience in the near future.
Man, we need you over at our place. What used to be referred to as our expensive new couch has since been renamed as the sacrificial sofa.
Be on the lookout for someone wearing one of these:
http://www.mamamonkey.com/shop/images/uploads/drpooper1.jpg