The Density of Man
Monday, June 28, 2010 On Sunday night, we met up with my friend Lolita and her boys and MrLady, who works for me (I know I didn't have to bring that up, but she has a better blog than I do and I'm petty) and is in town for the week. Since we had the kids with us, we thought it might be fun to have dinner at the restaurant adjoining the local bowling alley.
After everyone was fed, we hit the lanes. Shoes were rented and a kid-sized ball acquired. While the grownups sat and talked, Jaden, Jack and Fury bowled. But with one ball between the three of them, the game dragged, as they had to wait for the ball to make its way back after every roll.
Sometime after the 3rd or 4th frame, two kid-sized balls magically rolled up into the ball bullpen of the lane next to us (I have no idea what that's called - you know, the place where the balls rest after they are shot back to you from the pin area??). Being that the lane was empty, I strolled over to grab the balls. But just as I picked them up, I noticed some hip young folks walking over to use the lane. As I scanned the group for little kids who might need the ball, I noticed her:
I usually don't care about celebrity sightings and all that, but Avril Lavigne is one of those pseudo crushes you never admit to, but your wife totally knows about because you linger too long on Proactiv commercials when you channel surf. I'm usually not at a loss for words either, except when I am forced into situations where I have one chance to talk to a celebrity crush or else go through life wondering "what if..."
Realizing the futility of saying something witty and memorable, I resigned to merely inquiring "uh, are you going to be needing these kids' balls?"
"Yes... I totally need those kids balls..." she replied, injecting an artful pause before letting me off the hook with a smile. "Just kidding, you can have them!"
I think I may have said "mmmrrgsnhfthanks" before running off with her balls.
I may have also tried to tell my wife how cool it was that Avril Lavigne talked to me, and she might have said "Jim, good for you. I don't really care..."
With three balls to use, the rest of the game went by quickly, and soon it was time to go. Lessi was tucked back into her stroller and... uh oh, there was one step to climb to leave the lane area!!
"It's one stair," MrLady remarked. "Just lift the stroller."
"No," Lolita pointed out. "He wants to take the ramp."
Sure, it was inconvenient to wheel my adorable, irresistible baby girl up the ramp right past a certain pop punk princess enjoying a night of bowling. But safety first!
As I skillfully maneuvered Lessi up the ramp, Avril caught a glimpse of her and squealed "Oh! she's the cutest baby ever!!"
"mmmrrgsnhfthanks!"
Grinning, I made my way back to the group, fiddling with the stroller handle that had just come loose.
"So what happened?" asked d Wife.
I quickly volunteered "omigod, I walked by her and she said Lessi's the cutest baby ever! and---"
"Not THAT! What's wrong with the handle!" d Wife shot back.
MrLady looked at d Wife, whose hands were full, looked back at me. And smacked me.
The average weight of a human male brain is 3 lbs. Average density? Like kevlar.
Reader Comments (32)
Kevlar, my ass. I think you were perceptive and decisive here. Well done!
And I do mean this in the best possible way... you are such a goober.
You didn't get Avril to autograph your cutest baby ever? I think you showed extraordinary restraint.
Mmm...Proactiv commercials... I can watch those for hours.
You're an idiot. And a celebrity chic magnet. There is balance in the force.
Loved your story, but still laughing at Tara R.'s comment and now jonesing for some Goobers (the candy, not the...d'oh...never mind!)
I just cracked up again reading about how dense you are... Glad there were plenty of women around to smack you.
Funny as ever. LOVE "kevlar". I'll have to save that one for the kevlar-wearing hubby.
Dude! Your photoshop'n skilz r TIGHT! Funny. More funny because you've let everyone know that you're crush'n on Avril. hahaha
once again I can't believe we're related. But yes, nice photoshop skills. Avril lavigne? whuh? Oy. If I was there I would have smacked you too, Mr I've-been-in-LA-longer-than-you-so-I-don't-get-starstruck. Bfffpt here's another *smack!*
Nicely done, Avril is pretty hot. You should have sent her over a greasy cheeseburger, because that proactiv stuff will totally prevent her from the side effects.
You nerd. ;)
I love that Mr Lady was there to whap you upside the head. Perfect. And perfectly hilarious.
Thank goodness for Mr.Lady. She's got some smarts up in that pretty head of hers.
Celebrity interaction is bizarre on a good day. You did great.
Aside from jealousy that you got to hang out with *my* girl crush (and I'm talkin' about Mr. Lady, not Avril) I'm dying over your Photoshop skills!
Dude. I waited, like, three years for your next post, and it was about Avril? So much for my happy ending.
On a good note, you can, for the rest of your life, say that Avril may have wanted to play with your balls.(sorry d Wife, it was right there, begging to be said.)
This is a gigantic fail because I KNOW between all of you someone had a camera. Avril and Lessi? Think of the blog, Busy Dad.
Also, I think she should have autographed the baby.
So, did you break 200?
That's so crazy that you ran into her. I think your crush is cute. So, what was wrong with the handle?
Just sighing over here at broken promises made and never kept, Jim... Sigh....
Too funny, man. You got her Kids' Balls.
Love the new header, too! Good stuff!
Absoutely hilarious. Oh my God. I wouldn't have noticed a broken stroller either if a celebrity just said my baby was the cutest baby ever! Also, eyebrows raised over here over the fact that you like Avril! But I guess she has nice... eyes? And she's Canadian, so bonus. :)
Hilarious
I would have assumed D wife was asking about Avril as well!
I think you should have had Avril sign baby girl's foot - sure dWife would LOVE that!
Now what would you do if you ran into AMY bowling? Probably share baby stories, yeah, that's the ticket...;)!
Nice move on the whole ramp thing - those single steps are a death trap. ;)
I totally get it though - at 45, I still look at my old board and imagine being her "Skatr Boi" (yeah, that's sad and I know it, but let the feeble old guy have his occasional dream, k?)
Just found you through Mr. Lady - will be back 'round to read you both some more.
Way to "Man Up" about the Avril crush. I am afflicted with the same thing, however my wife hasn't figured it out yet. Which is weird because every time an Avril song comes on the radio she changes stations, then I get mad and tell her I was "rockin out to that."
I didn't know Avril had balls. Now I do.
Smooth, suave...everything I expect from you, Jim. Sort of.
HA! Great story- love this line "I usually don't care about celebrity sightings and all that, but Avril Lavigne is one of those pseudo crushes you never admit to, but your wife totally knows about because you linger too long on Proactiv commercials when you channel surf. "
If that had been me in your situation I would have surely dropped the ball on my foot, or tipped the stroller... cause I'm clumsy like that... especially in front of someone I want to feel chill around.
Nice. Very nice. Yeah, you need some smackin' around now and then. But a celebrity crush is something else. At least you didn't trip or drop a ball on her or something. Which is what I totally would have done (but not around Avril, you know).
" Avril Lavigne is one of those pseudo crushes you never admit to, but your wife totally knows about because you linger too long on Proactiv commercials when you channel surf."
brilliant