That Burning Sensation
Monday, January 25, 2010 I fear churches.
Don't get me wrong. I don't harbor any disdain for those who are devout in their beliefs. In fact, I quite admire someone who can devote themselves to their faith, in the same way I admire that French spiderman guy who free-climbs skyscrapers. Church just simply scares the crap out of me. I'm talking about cold sweats, vertigo. I'm talking about my blood pressure rising when I set foot in a church. My face flushing. Feeling light headed.
As most people have the complete opposite reaction to churches, I have often been asked why of all things a spiritual sanctuary like this can frighten me so. The simple answer is I am spiritually inept. I suck at all things church. I grew up Catholic. And while I have always been good with anything that you need to study out of a book, I was always bad at Sunday School. Failed every quiz. Asked the wrong questions. Couldn't tell my apostles from my saints from my disciples. And the teachers and other kids made it known that I sucked. Being the only Asian kid in a working class Irish neighborhood might have contributed a teensy bit to the post Sunday-school teasing and beat downs that I suffered while waiting for my mom to pick me up, but since I was on church grounds, I considered it church jurisdiction.
And when it came time to re-register for Sunday School one spring day (I think they called it CCD back then?). I simply said no. I was in fourth grade then, so I knew I was facing one hell heck of a maelstrom by saying no, but I stuck to my guns. I had never, nor have I since, openly defied my mother. Self preservation is a strong instinct.
And for close to two decades, I admired churches from afar, or on postcards.
Then I got married. To a Filipino woman. And they'll give the Boston Irish a run for their money on the Catholic devotion front any day. I love Lisa's family and they don't beat me down when I skip church when we visit on the holidays (it helps that I'm usually cooking them a vat of my Killa Clam Chowda while they're worshipping), so the whole Catholicism thing in general isn't as scary anymore. But on the few occasions where I have gone to church in my adult life (weddings, funerals, etc), I suffer that entire list of symptoms they read at the end of designer pharmaceutical ads. Including oily discharge.
Seeing as we have a kid together, the inevitable question of Fury's religious upbringing was one challenge that Lisa and I had to face early on. I respect her religious views. And while I'm of the opinion that Fury should pick whatever religion HE feels will fulfill him spiritually, I am willing to give Catholisicm a head start, since his mom is Catholic. And he's really too young to make that decision for himself now anyway. Hell, I'M too young to make that decision. Heck, I mean heck. Sorry.
So we got him baptized when he was a baby. Part of that required his parents (yes, me) to attend baptism classes. And for the love of my wife and son, I sucked it up and did it. And I attended the baptism too. And did not pass out. Or go up in flames.
Now we've got another little one on the way.
And Lisa made arrangements for soon-to-be baby Alessia's baptism. I figured, "ok, one afternoon in church. Just hold your breath, smile and it'll all be over quickly." But no. I have to take the class again. This time, they're requiring two classes.
So last night, parked outside the church, I took several slow deep breaths to get my heart rate down.
"Seriously?" she asked.
"Seriously." I responded.
I joked that once I set foot in that church, lightning would strike me down. Lisa said "I know. Sinner." In her deadpan I'm-joking-but-you-are-still-going-to-hell manner.
As I took a seat at the table, I could feel my face beginning to flush, my fingertips going numb. But as class went on, I have to admit that the modern Catholic church is a lot kinder and gentler than I remember from the 70s. I was going to make it. I mumbled through the prayers (like when I used to lip synch in chorus) and sat through the baptism powerpoint presentation. But I had to chuckle then this slide came up:
"I renounce the Prince of Darkness"
Whoa. whoa. whoa. What's Ozzy got to do with it? No way. He rocks. And even if the Dalai Lama himself told me to stop playing "Crazy Train" to my son, I'd tell him to go pick on Nirvana or something.
Mumble mumble prince of mumble mumble...
I was doing OK. This class wasn't that bad. God is not going to call me out. I see the finish line...
"WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAA WAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Yup. The fire alarm.
When judgment day arrives, you'll find me at the back of the southbound bus playing sudoku with Ozzy Osbourne.
Reader Comments (42)
So, you're a 'vacationing Catholic'? Welcome to the club! I STILL feel like the church might explode when I walk into a Catholic mass. Luckily for me, my family goes to a non-denominational church that meets on Sunday in a school cafeteria. And I know that God likes tater tots and pudding, so I'm pretty sure he's not going to go all fire and brimstone on the school. It works! Thanks for the pre-work laugh!
wimp! hahaha! thankfully my CCD days weren't as bad as yours since my short term memory usually kicked in for quizzes (last minute studying in the station wagon) and mom wasn't into it anymore after we moved.
But yep, you and most of the world will be on that southbound bus with you so party on.
At least the fire alarm got your attention. I can't help but be amused at the irony.
Oh, my friend. My father will only sit in the back row - it's typically close enough to a sturdy door frame that if the walls began to collapse, he would find a safe place.
It's easier now (both date wise and now that you are an adult making your choice, not following your parents) to find a church home that fits more with your style, even staying within the Catholic Church. If you want to start going and taking Fury, my guess is your wife would not stop you!
Some churches have become better at hospitality and making you feel like you should be there rather than you are being judged I would invite you to mine and guarantee no lightning or fire, but that's a cross country flight, which means you would not pony up at offering time. (I KID, I KID!!)
For the record, you are welcome to ride the Crazy Train to my church, we'll understand.
You set. The fire alarm. Off. In church?
That is AWESOME.
HA!
There's a part in the Mass every Easter where you renew your baptismal promises.
I am going to snort every time, every year, for the rest of my life now, thanks to you.
So, does this mean you have to sit through the whole class again?
So with you. SO SO with you. Raised Muslim, attended Catholic school, became atheist at 7, married a Catholic and am raising a pair. He's been dragging his feet getting them baptized. I will read them Bible stories. I will talk about Jesus and God. I will attend church. I did the baptism classes.
But dude, the hubby needs to make the baptism arrangements.
Dude. That is creepy. It's like one of those eerie occult things like when Marion spins the headpiece to the Staff of Ra around in her hand in her bar and the candle flame flickers.
Bad dates.
Hey you did better than me...it only took 13 years for me to get my first kid baptized ;-)
Heh- I thought I was the only one who was scared of churches. Especially Catholic ones... I said the exact same thing as you when attending a wedding in Catholic church once- I'm going to be struck down by lightning!!! I actually had a mini-panic-attack before entering I was THAT sure that God was going to be pissed that I dared enter hallowed ground.
I, too, was raised Catholic and drifted away from it once college came around. Then I agreed to start going back to church so my wife and I could get married in her home church. Then we had a kid. Now we're having a second kid. Sleeping in on Sunday's just aren't meant to be for me anymore. At least my wife is Lutheran, which is Catholic light. All the forgiveness with half of the guilt.
Isn't that supposed to be one of the perks of being Catholic? You just get to go say a bunch of Hail Mary's or something and you're good? I'm [obviously?] not Catholic and doubt that I could handle how strict I've heard it is anyway. Hardcore man!
I hope God doesn't read your blog. You are so going down. :)
Thanks for your posts and blogs. Blog comments may not be enough to clarify a few things about Catholic faith, religion and beliefs; however, I'd like to contribute to the very lively and interesting commentaries here. The burning sensation might be rooted in seeing Church just one way. There are many different ways in seeing Church, and these models can guide us in strengthening and/or clarifying our faith; a few examples being Church as the Body of Christ, as Herald, as Sacrament, as Institution, as Servant, as Community of Disciples, etc. I will be the one to admit that if Church is a community of purely holy and perfect human beings, I would not fit in. My experience with Church is that it moves me from what is good for me, to what is better, and eventually to what is best for me. I believe that you have a special place in heaven with your name written on it - don't underestimate the power of people praying for you, that's a perk of being Church, we are all in this together whether you believe it or not. LOL.
As someone with a Jewish father and Christian mother who grew up in that "you can choose for yourself" way that meant that we attended no church or synagogue whatsoever, I can say that there is a weird unmoored feeling that happens when you are old enough to know you have a choice, but you have no information with which to make said choice. I struggle with this for my kids a lot, and I have no answers. But I do think that if there is a common faith in which you can give them some background, at least they have grounds for comparison when they start exploring later. My two cents... (not that you asked).
Quit sweating it, man! (Literally.) We Catholics are a good group and we're very forgiving. Plus, we like beer.
I saw your twitpic when the Pope sent Father Alvin directly to your blog. What a sign. :-)
Well, I'm Catholic. Was raised Catholic and have had quite my own walk of faith. Bottom line is now my kids are being raised Catholic cause my husband was raised with nothing. And he wanted to give the kids something, as opposed to nothing. I kinda like that general way of thinking about it. I've written about it a fair share on my blog....it's always circling around in my brain.
But I think finally I'm at a place of peace about it.
Now the fire alarm? I'm just not sure what to say about that.
:-)
Heck, they excommunicated me, so I understand COMPLETELY about the cold sweats and the wearing of protective clothing!
Busy Dad, wow, talk about forgiving...An old saying goes " you did what! hell, become a Catholic and you'll be forgiven.." Man - all that guilt we been carrying. Yes a priest can forgive but God does the judging, accountability is what it's about. You got me at "Ozzy" - that bus ride you'll be sharing and I'll be singing:
Southern man
better keep your head
Don't forget
what your good book said
Southern change
gonna come at last
Now your crosses
are burning fast
Southern man
Well, here's the good news: pretty much everything you described about your bad experience with church is just tradition. Everything that God actually cares about is in the Bible. If it's not in the Bible it is man-made and optional. And here's some of the great news that is in the Bible - All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, Romans 3:23. Even the people who go to church every week. Even Father Alvin up there. If God didn't want sinners in his church, there would be no church. So if you're curious - forget the traditions and just start with the Bible. Some good places to start: John 3:16-17, John 10:10, John 14:6, Romans 3:10.
Talk about timing!
Growing up, we were what you would call an "Agnostic but pretend to be Southern Baptist so the neighbors won't know" sort of household. Religion was never a religion per say... more of a philosophical discussion to be had when there was nothing else to do.
And then I married into a family that considers every word that comes out of any snake-wrangling pentecostal preacher at the pulpit to be direct from the mouth of god... Needless to say, they hate me.
So save me seat, would 'ya?
(On another note, ever since they've been televising/promoting the Osbournes as a family, Ozzy has become a bumbling old grandpa in my book... It's really cute and endearing. And so totally not Prince of Darkness-y.)
Funny - i was raised catholic and stepping foot into a church has the exact same effect on me. solution? drinks and or xanax before mass. =D
Fire alarm went off. while you. were in church.
Wow.
I honestly have nothing. ;-)
Well, the good news is the bible has some sort of bylaw that says something along the lines of the faith of the wife will be the saving grace of the husband (OBVIOUSLY I am paraphrasing), so as long as Lisa keeps up her end of the bargain you should be all set at the Pearly Gates.
I am a non church attending person of faith, but only because I inevitably hear someone say something ignorant that makes me want to slap them until they pass out which seems counter productive to that Golden Rule business. The day I was in my friends' church and the pastor took the time to clarify that they might soon see some new faces in the church and they shouldn't be surprised or worried because even though they are black, they are welcome was the day I was ALL SET WITH CHURCH thank you very much. I can talk to God and all on my own time, in my own way.
Being a Lax Lutheran (the only difference betweem Lutherans and Catholics is the catholics have incense) I totally get it. And I totally agree with MidLifeMama " I can talk to God and all on my own time, in my own way."
Dude, did you just get a priest to leave a comment on your blog??!!
I missed the whole "we're having another kid" thing. I am a sucky reader. Congrats and good luck. Hope the birth is less eventful than the baptism class...
Are you sure it was the fire alarm and not the unbeliever alarm?
I think it's called conviction!
UP
Love this! My Dad called himself a "recovering Catholic" and I don't even have a religion to recover from. We are failing miserably in all things church for our boys. My oldest once asked, "Is there a book of Max?" Sigh. Good for you for honoring your wife's wishes and knowing it's important for her and your family. Love your blog and your humor. Great work!
See? You know it so you fear it. Bossy was raised without religion so when she sees a church she always wants to go in and, you know, splash around in the water a bit and light a few candles and take a nap in the pew and whatnot.
Nice and quiet, in there, churches.
I'm sorry you had those experiences growing up, nothing upsets me more than that sort of behavior. Those few are the reasons that the Catholic Church sometimes gets a bad rep. You definitely need the right place, not everywhere is what you remember.
I don't think you'll be struck down by lightening ;)
I fear churches too..
shhhhhhhhhh
Actually, I think the whole fire alarm thing is a proof-positive you no longer have anything to be afraid of in church-- He obviously chose NOT to go all old-school with lightning strikes or smiting. See? He's crazy about you.
Dear Son,
According to the famous child psychologist, Harvard's Howard Gardner, you just don't have the 9th intelligence- religious intelligence, or it has not been full developed, like Mother Theresa, or Pope ,etc. That's fine, you have other 8 intelligences fully developed. It is quite alright to have some intelligences stronger than the other. Your linguistic, musical, logical, kinesthetic intelligences are quite strong than, say, mathematical, spacial, religious intelligences. I love you with or wihout these intelligences, you are a darn GOOD kid. I am forever proud of you.
Love, mom
So Ozzy was in the room, was he? That's actually almost freaky with the alarm going off... funny but freaky.
We're the same here... was raised Catholic but went to a public school, so had to take Sunday school classes in order to have my 1st communion - when I was about 11. Talk about stressful when you're old enough to do a reading as everyone else is poking each other while they wait for their biscuit.
We didn't have the boy baptized until he was almost 4 - the cutoff before Sunday school. Sheesh. The girl at 8 months... a bit better. We figured they're at least baptized, now, and they can figure out what they want for themselves when they're older. Empowerment rather than being lazy, that's the ticket...
Dude, try 16 years of Catholic school...I try to avoid mass at all costs, but my wife the "public school girl" gets us there each week..I guess it's good for me...the holy water has not scortched my skin yet!
Hi there! We ( Childcare is fun) have just started a 'dads corner' and put a link to your blog! Hope thats cool with you!
CCIF
I don't know if you have any time for pleasure reading, but I think you would LOVE the book Hell by Robert Butler. The funniest book about Hell you're ever going to read (and maybe one of the funniest I've read in a while, period.)
Congrats on that little girl. I can't wait to watch you be the father of a girl.
Amen, brother! Ha! #3 just celebrated his second birthday and is still awaiting his entrance into the Catholic church via a baptism. We are naughty parents, in addition to being dumb!
I was quite allergic to church for a while...I was raised in a very strict church. After ignoring church for several years I decided to visit a different kind of church (Independent). I found that is was much better and I it no longer gave me hives to go - I actually regularly attend and enjoy it now.
Luke