BusyDad: So, Mommica, did you pass out those flyers?
Mommica: Flyers? What is this, college? You have speakers to sell?
BusyDad: Well how else were we going to spread the news about our BlogKids Convention!
Mommica: Hello! Evite? You were supposed to Evite everyone.
BusyDad: I Twittered it.
Mommica: Who the hell follows you on Twitter?
And so went the opening ceremonies of the first annual BlogKids Convention. Organizers and attendees were equally excited to get this thing kicked off, mainly because they were the same people. Mommica and Me and the poor kids who will curse having bloggers for parents our wonderfully adorable children. And the fact that this was held the same weekend as BlogHer? An optimist would say that’s the reason only 2 adults and 3 kids showed up. A normal person would say “dumbasses.”
But what the BlogKids Conference lacked in attendance, it made up for in practical tips and insights for today’s budding blog child stars:
Government Regulation of Blog Post CPI (Cuteness per inch): A Roundtable Discussion
Having cute kids gives some bloggers a distinct advantage, even if it’s just a few more “OMG so cute!” or “awwwww adorable” comments per post. They add up. And in the comment exchange marketplace they trade strong against the “LOL.” Do cute kids create unfair competition? Our experts tackled the issue over Roberto’s Tacos (Wolfgang Puck said “who ze vack are you?” his team was committed to another event) as workshop participants Fury, The Prince and E demonstrated how to overclock the CPI on a page with peaceful group play, oversized swimsuits that require cinching with one hand while digging, residual food around the mouth and expressions of concentration disproportionate to the task at hand (moving sand). Time-tested techniques. This session concluded that quotas should be implemented for CPI, with the recommended punishment for exceeding such quotas being the immediate completion of all the memes sitting on one’s backburner.
Creating the Perfect “Mini Me” Moments: Beginner Workshop
Being a talented blog kid requires the ability to channel key aspects of your parent’s personality on cue. Nothing inspires an “awwwww adorable” (currently trading at 2.5641 LOLs) comment like sitting on your dad’s motorcycle with a huge helmet on, posing with sunglasses and a Budweiser or wearing “dad and me” versions of the same Hooter's t-shirt. In this session, Fury demonstrates an intermediate technique called “stand just like dad does.”
Juxtaposition of Agony: Advanced Workshop
Oh how readers love the perfect group shot where everyone’s smiling cooperatively for the camera -- except for the little one. Juxtaposing agony with pleasantries is an advanced technique that few ever master. We were lucky enough to have one of the foremost “writhe of agony” experts in the blogging field with us at BlogKids 08. They didn’t put a “The” in front of his name for nothing. The Prince shows us below in a live demonstration how to apply the Limp-Arm-So-You-Can’t-Stand-Me-Up technique in concert with the No Nap Banshee Scream.
Mommica would like everyone to know that she created that "beach hair" look on purpose to lend authenticity to the venue.
A day at the zoo recounted in blog format is just a series of pictures of your kid with a bunch of animals. Unless you can find that relevant hook that makes it blog-worthy. Fury and BusyDad parted with Mommica, E and The Prince to field test their skills at the San Diego Zoo. We tried the “cute kid imitating scary animal” thing, but this blog child star is a little past his prime for the technique. Two years ago, he probably could have supported a standalone blog post with something like this.
Finding Relevance: Breakaway Session
No, we had to keep searching. Luckily, diligence, a quick camera finger and a very regular Polar Bear were working with us that day:
We really could not top that moment with any sort of keynote speech, so we decided to just call it a year. I’ve got my Kinko’s card all set to go for 2009. Look for the blue flyer with the cute kids and a polar bear defecating.