Leo Burnett will regret (or heartily applaud) not hiring me

When I was a fresh college grad, I interviewed with Leo Burnett, one of the world's top 10 ad agencies. I made it through the college recruiting process and was flown to their Chicago headquarters for a day of second round interviews. I was 9 gatekeepers away from achieving my lifelong dream of being a hotshot ad executive. All I had to do was convince 5 of them that I was the right man for the job.

I convinced 4. I was crushed.

That day, I doused my dream with lighter fluid, lit it on fire and stomped on its charred remains. I'm not good at dealing with failure.

Keep the above backstory in mind. Let me move onto the topic of the day: wipes. I'm thinking by now you've clued into the fact that I'm doing this campaign for Huggies. Before all this, I honestly thought "pfft. wipes are wipes." In fact, right after the wipes Huggies sent me ran out, we went and bought some el cheapo ones. They ripped on me. Multiple times. Right as I was grabbing them out of our dispenser. Right when Lessi was pooping mid-change. I wish someone were there to take a picture of me every time I stood dumbfounded, one hand hoisting my baby's legs, the other hand weilding a torn-off corner of a bargain baby wipe. FAILblog gold.

And the other day, out of the blue, d wife texted me wistfully about the days when we had the "good wipes." The pain is real, ladies and gentlemen.

Huggies, you inspired me. Not only to wipe with confidence, but also to tell the world through advertising how good your wipes are. Today, my dream rises up from the ashes. Leo Burnett executive number 5, eat your heart out.

By the way, I'm giving away 5 tubs of the good stuff. If you have a baby or anything else you'd like wiped, leave a comment with a good poop story of your own. Or tell me how awesome I am at commercials. I'll randomly draw a winner next week.

The Grisliest: a crime scene investigation

The following is a guest post written by Dextero Morgane, Poo Spatter Analyst, Miami Metro Police Dept.

It isn't pretty. It never is. Mostly because the worst offenders are always so cute. They fully distract you with their angelic cooing, full-cheeked smiles and tiny feet. Oh, the feet! And by the time most victims realize what's happening, they're a full arm's reach and at least 4 seconds of unfolding time away from a fresh, tightly secured diaper.

Mid-Change Pooing. The grisliest of baby-on-parent crimes.

I was recently called in to investigate a code #2, and I want to give you a glimpse what goes on behind the scenes. Not because I want to shock you, but because this is a crime that the public needs to be aware of. We can't just Purell our collective hands and pretend it doesn't happen. In fact, listen out your window right now. You might hear the characteristic "eeeeeeewwwwwww. ew. ew. EWW. Honey? omigodomigodomigod!" that victims of this crime invariably proclaim as it is being perpetrated upon them. These were probably this victim's final words -- before he stripped off every item of clothing and bolted into the shower.

The surveillance footage we obtained from nearby closed circuit cameras was quite lousy. Luckily, the Google Street Maps Van exists. It never misses a beat:

Judging from the placement of the stains, I would estimate the origin of the poo to be roughly 6 or 7 feet to the left of this crib. However, there is a noticeable break in the pattern, indicating some sort of obstacle interrupting the poo flow mid-flight.

The above picture indicates that the crib got hit with an unhindered poo stream, almost mocking the diaper pail directly beneath it.

Too little too late. With his arm covered in poo, the victim is seen here trying to stem the flow. More out of reflex than any real hope.

I had seen this pattern before. And I had a hunch who the suspect might be. But I had to model the poo spatter to really break down what happened that day:

The spatter pattern on the side of the crib was forceful and unhindered, spraying in a downward trajectory. This tells me the perpetrator was diaperless the moment she struck. The continuous unbroken stream also indicates that the victim was unaware of any problems when this happened, or else he would have reflexively stuck out a hand or arm in a futile effort to "catch" the poo. He was most likely looking the other direction to grab a new diaper.

This spot is about 3 feet further from the original impact point shown above. I'm hypothesizing that upon realizing that a poo stream had begun, the victim tried desperately to lift the baby's legs up to tuck one side of the new diaper under her. In doing so, he altered the angle and trajectory of the poo stream, thus sending it over the top of the rail and producing a perfect quadruple rainbow of poo.


Realizing the gravity of the new situation, as well as the baby's gastro-pneumatic potential, the victim then valiantly attempted to redirect as much of the poo stream to the new, albeit hastily laid out diaper underneath the baby. The poo stream hit his arm at full velocity, sending a good amount of poo into the diaper, and a small but strip-worthy amount onto his PJs.

This baby had power. This baby was capable of recharging and reloading. This baby utilized impeccable timing. I have seen this baby's handiwork before. Her name is Hannibal Lessi and she is on a mission to crush the Huggies Poo Free movement.

I don't know where she's headed next. All I can do is follow the trail and clean up after her. Good citizens, be vigilant. And carry plenty of wipes.

* * * * * *

What was this all about?

I'm one of the Huggies Wipes Ambassadors, aka Poo Free Parent Squad. To celebrate the fact that Huggies Wipes are the thickEST wipes (vs National Brands) they’ve dedicated an entire week to celebrate this essential superlative (at least when it comes to wiping poo). Throughout the past week, the entire Poo Free Parent Squad has shared posts that highlight the silliEST, funniEST, poopiEST, craziEST, cutEST aspects of parenthood and poop tales. Check out the rest of the ‘EST’ party on their Facebook and Twitter pages.

Wipes, Three Ways

I knelt there hunched over the bathtub, warm water cascading through my fingers as they rhythmically squeezed a saturated onesie in hopes of dislodging as many bits of hummus colored infant poo as possible, the aftermath of a diaper malfunction 5 minutes prior. When a man is on his knees, in the trenches with poo, he ponders things.

"I have been entrusted with a responsibility," I thought. "Huggies has made me a Wipes Ambassador." Ambassadorism is in my blood. My father was an ambassador. OK, so he represented a country with a GDP of $383.3 billion, and I'm reppin' butt wipes, but still. There's got to be a spectrum that exists somewhere that we would both fall under.

Because dammit, I'm good at this.

Look at my track record. I tell everyone who will listen that Huggies wipes are the best wipes I have ever used. They are strong. They wipe. What more could you want from a ... wipe? Don't ever underestimate the power of "strong" when it comes to cleaning up in aisle number 2. Ever have toilet paper rip on you? I rest my case. Huggies wipes are also the best "first pass" wipe I've used. Poop wiping isn't like driving a zamboni. Going over the same spot twice doesn't make it smoother. It just "spreads the peanut butter," so to speak.

Technically my job here is done. As part of my ambassadorship, I was required to give you about 250 words of my honest opinion. But like I said. This ambassador stuff is in my blood. My dad never punched the clock at 5pm. He represented 24/7. He went above and beyond. And I owe you, and the butt wipe industry, a little more.

So, this campaign I'm involved in is basically a challenge for me to live "Poo Free" this summer. Huggies sent me a ton of wipes to help me achieve that. I determined pretty early on that this was futile. You cannot use wipes to curtail the "mudflap" upspray you get from a gaseous infant and loose diapers. That's what blowout preventors are for. In theory. You cannot use wipes to curb a baby's instinct to go free range fertilizer on you in that 5 second window between balling up the old diaper and sliding the new one underneath. In all fairness, living "Poo-mishap-reduced" was still a great improvement on my quality of life. And as every good ambassador should do, I began to think of other arenas in which these wipes might make a positive difference.

I had to start with the greatest need of all. Could I live "Lindsay Lohan free"?

My quality of life index just jumped 5 points.

What about "Animal Poo free"?

I may eat dogfood for your blog entertainment, but even I have a line.

Perhaps "Vegetable Free" because I hate them even though I'm a parent and should set a good example.

Mom will kill me when she sees this. But I have to say, success!

It's always important to find substitutes for TV, so I owed it to myself to look into living "Television Free"

That's supposed to be an origami crane. Ok, how about an origami cabbage? Asteroid?

Most of my day is spent at the office, so maybe if I could live "deliverables free" it would make life easier.

If only I had known it was this easy...

I'm trying to be a better eco-citizen. Perhaps if I tried to edge toward "Carbon Footprint free"...

Well, the car didn't start. But I think that saved a tree.

I couldn't make it to the Blogher conference this year. So while my blog friends were partying it up in NYC, I was home drinking coffee and writing this blog post. I needed to find a way to live "Not-going-to-blogher-tears free"

Stupid contacts.

Maybe Huggies will fly me to the United Nations someday.

A poop video I couldn't refuse

Let me tell you something about paid campaigns and me. If it's something I'd never blog about for free, I'll pass. I like beer money as much as the next guy, but I've got my eyes on the real prize: my nip-slips posted on TMZ. Dragging you through a post that I dragged myself to write solely for the money is not the path to TMZ enlightenment.

In other words, yes, Huggies paid me to make this video (along with 1 other upcoming video and 2 posts). But they had me at "poop." Because I can achieve fame through poop videos.

Along with beer money, Huggies gave me a ton of their Natural Care Baby Wipes and challenged me to live "Poo Free" this summer. As you'll see below, that's a tall order.

The edited-for-time video is on Huggies' Facebook page but I have the exclusive Director's Cut here: