Removing "Landscaping" From My CareerBuilder.com Search
Tuesday, April 1, 2008 Check out my new About Me blurb. Notice anything different? Yup. No more 4-hour round-trip commute. No more job. I'd love to take up 4 or 5 paragraphs lamenting about office politics, but I will spare you the details. Instead, I'd like to demonstrate that despite my lack of a job, I am still living up to my online handle. Oh yes, it'll take more than losing my job to take the "Busy" out of this dad. Today I made d Wife very happy. I solved our indoor dirtpile problem.
As some of you more astute readers have pointed out in the past, my backyard has no grass. I killed the grass by inflicting it with a lethal dose of lazy. We've been trying for the past year to get a building permit for some renovations, and sometime during the first few months of this ordeal, I stopped taking care of our lawn. "Once they start construction, the grass will die anyway," I said. 9 months ago.
Well, I guess dogs love rolling in dirt. And fur holds dirt. Real good. Until you get indoors. And dirt pisses off some people who happen to be the mother of your child. And if you have no job, you sure as Hell better start eliminating as many of these other flash points as possible.
One Poor Sod's Sod Adventure
"Some manual labor! That ought to get the spirit pumping," I think to myself as I pull into the landscaping warehouse. My order from the day before has been delivered and I'm ready to haul it home. 400 sq. ft. of fresh Marathon sod.
"Can you guys forklift this into my truck?" I ask.
"Sure," says the helpful clerk. "Just sign this release."
The form is in Spanish. What's the harm? If they bust my truck, it will have been broken in the line of duty. Bragging rights. I sign. And I wait. 10 minutes. 15 minutes. 20 minutes...
"Well, I did just cancel my gym membership and I do need the exercise..."
Have you ever tossed 100 slabs of dirt and grass up into a truck by hand? Don't. Unless your best friend is a chiropractor. And no, the damn forklift never came. But I have to admit, there is a certain amount of pride to be gained from moving 3,000 lbs. of anything from one locale to another with your bare hands.
Like my new sod pelt? I killed it myself.
Ok, ready to transform my post nuclear-winter backyard into something else. Anything else.
Does this not resemble a scene from "The Hills Have Eyes"?
In case you're wondering, that's stuffing from a chew toy.
I get to work. Laying sod is actually quite therapeutic. There's a Tetris-like zen to fitting all the rectangles together and watching the yard go from tan to green. My dogs are eating the steer manure. No, not sniffing and licking. Eating it. With gusto. Shooing them away becomes futile after a certain point. I just tell them to save me some for the yard.
Sometime in the afternoon, my equally unemployed sister pays me a visit. She's brought lunch! A prosciutto sandwich on brioche and cannolis. That's what lumberjacks eat for lunch, right? I'm thinking yes, because I am feeling mighty caveman after that meal. The aroma of cow poop and powdered sugar on my clothes just brings out the savage in me. I'm ready to handle some lawn!
Your grass is ass!
At this point, I'm running on pure adrenaline. Wouldn't it be nice to have this all done by the time d Wife gets home? Yes, yes it would, considering the fact that you didn't look for a job today. I lay down the last slab of grass and pat myself on the back. I totally guesstimated the square footage of sod I needed and I only ended up buying one extra slab. I'm good. Damn good. And I'm done. 10 minutes before she pulls into the drive.
When d wife arrives home, she sees this:
You do not see a gaping seam near Krypto's paw. And these aren't the droids you're looking for.
Oh wait! Dammit. I wasn't done. I do have one more task to complete.
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Reader Comments (51)
Nice job on the grass, dude.I just joined the ranks of the jobless as well. Maybe we should start a club.
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[BusyDad] We should start a business!
Amazing what a little bit of green can do for a lawn. That looks nice. Totally dig your paycheck!
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[BusyDad] Thanks Ed! Yeah, I cashed that sucker right away.
Yard work does have a Tetris-like Zen! What a perfect way to put it. :-) Your lawn looks great! Good job.
We've been fighting squirrels and grubs for our turf -- and losing. Badly.
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[BusyDad] Thank you! The squirrels and grubs haven't found out about the new turf yet. They'd pretty much given up on our little plot of land for a while.
Shoot, no manners... congrats on losing the two-hour commute.
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[BusyDad] :) Thanks! I'd be on it right now. Instead, I'm in my PJs blogging. There's something so right about that. At least for a couple more weeks...
hehehe, I love how you killed it yourself! Great job! Suckage on the job thing. I hope something wonderful comes along for you!
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[BusyDad] And I did a great job killing, didn't I? I don't get enough credit for completely eliminating all semblance of life from my lawn. Thanks for the good wishes!
Way to go! It looks great!
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[BusyDad] Thanks! But I won't show you all pics of that grass in a couple weeks. After the dogs and the CA heat have their way with it...
Hey,looks great! I'd happily trade in CableDad's job for some work around the house...no wait, he wouldn't do work around the house even if he were unemployed. lol
Love your pay schedule... now is that one beer for ever 50 sq feet? I'm thinking that job might have been more fun if you did a pay as you go plan. :)
And I hope you made suitable Godfather/cannoli jokes during lunch.
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[BusyDad] haha pay-as-you-go would yield some pretty interesting results! I may try it with that enormous raised planter thing in the middle.
Your grass looks very pretty! I can definitely relate to not liking the dogs dragging in all that dirt that sticks to their fur until they step foot {paw} into your house. Good for you!
As always, your post is so enjoyable to read. I would have liked to see a pic of D wife's expression when she saw it. Did she know you were going to do this? This would fare well for favors of the illicit kind with my hubby for a long time if he surprised me with this.
Hope your Newcastle was ICE COLD.
KEEP BELIEVING
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[BusyDad] Haha! No, she knew. She called a couple times to check on the progress. I was supposed to seed the front yard too. Didn't get to it. But luckily the backyard looked so nice, she waived it. For the day. And that was perhaps the BEST batch of Newcastles I ever had. And remember I've had them after 10-hour Lego stints.
That grass looks so lush, it almost seems FAKE! Great job! And funny enough, my husband will do yardwork for the same pay....
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[BusyDad] Thanks :), and yeah, the Husband Union lacks power. We can't seem to raise prevailing wages past beer. Because somebody always folds.
Your dogs seem...confused. Do they know how to do their business on grass?
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[BusyDad] "Where's the lovely dirt? what is this lushness under our feet?" hahaa! No, luckily we bring them to the dogpark too. Or else they might be might scared of this new green stuff.
If you hit the workforce with the gusto of a sod project, you're worth your weight in Newcastle.
And I think you just bought yourself a get out of jail free card with d Wife. For the first round, anyway... ;-)
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[BusyDad] Oooh that's a lot of Newcastle! I'm golden. I think (hope) that this has a far-reaching effect because everytime she comes home and you can actually see the clean wood floor, I will point outside at my lovely grass.
You go Bad Dad! It looks great! Have you lined up financing for your water bill this summer?
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[BusyDad] Ugh. Don't remind me. We had a good 9 month run with a teeny tiny water bill. No longer. But thanks for the props!
My advice to you: beware of raccoons. If you find some or most of your sod rolled back neatly, it's most likely raccoons searching for grubs. They did this to my fresh sod once upon a time, and I had a heck of a time figuring out what it was until I sat out there all night once, with a BB gun. The solution? cayenne pepper, sprinkled liberally over the lawn. Once the roots take hold, it's not a problem any more.
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[BusyDad] Haha - the SAME thing happened when we first moved in. We had the yard sodded (no, I did not do it myself that time) and every morning, I'd see entire squares lifted. I thought it was neighborhood punks. It perplexed me for so long. Now because we have 2 dogs who bust out of the doggy door looking for blood whenever a squirrel enters the yard, I think the raccoons will stay away. But thanks for the tip. I knew it had to be a critter of some sort!
Sweet grass!!! Sorry about your job. I've been there and it sucks. But you are awesome so I know you will find something even better quick!
LOVE the Star Wars reference.
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[BusyDad] ... and one day later it is still alive and green. Woo hoo! Got some great job leads, so crossing my fingers that this is short lived. Oh, I should use the jedi mind trick at interviews. "This IS the candidate your looking for"
What in the world is wrong with Krypto? From the looks of the way he's walking, I'd say he got into your Newcastle. Either that, or it's rabies.
I've done the sod thing. Lots and lots of it. The only yard work worse than that, was when I had to pick up 50 lb. bags of mulch we had bought from a local school last year. They wouldn't help me load it (guess who won't be buying from them anymore) and it had been sitting in the rain. They were more like 200 lb. bags...200 lb. bags that smelled like crap, literally.
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[BusyDad] haha Krypto does look kinda tipsy. Maybe all the cow manure he ate. That stuff does contain methane. And yuck yuck yuck. Mulch smells worse than real manure. I hate mulch. Poor you...
I grow grass too... saves me having to work at all...
;0)
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[BusyDad] Looks like you've learned how to "work the system"
Well shoot, you can come do our acre (by hand). I can pay you in beer.
Can you trim the bushes and cut limbs too?
I don't think our yard has ever been laid out like that...it's au natural...(but not as pretty as yours)
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[BusyDad] An acre... I think only county parks have an acre round these parts! You'd better have a Newcastle truck in your garage.
I wasted days on end during college playing Tetris on the guys floor above us in the dorms.
I have a landscaping project....are you available for hire now?
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[BusyDad] Um... maybe once I regain the ability to move. I'll play Tetris for beer though. Many a college class suffered at the hands of Tetris in my day.
That was so "before" and "after" on some landscaping show. Maybe you could be one of those guys that swoops in during the middle of the show that makes it looks like it only took 30 minutes? Cause in my head it only took as long as it took me to read it, and WHEW am I beat.
I think I need a beer to wash away my exhaustion-by-association.
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[BusyDad] Haha like the cooking shows too, where everything is measured out already. Of course you can cook a meal in 30 minutes if everything you need is right in front of you in little ramekins! Exhaustion by association eh? Can I use that one? I'm gonna go watch some HGTV now...
Poor BusyDad.....I watch the Hubs muclch yesterday and I was just exhausted watcing him do THAT!
Luckily I had the last beer in the house to keep me company!
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[BusyDad] Are you sure you're not drinking that last beer right now? ;)
Ok - so I can't type - get over it!
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[BusyDad] wahahahaha I had to poke fun. That's how I is.
Nice job on the yard, I will be posting some pics when I try to install my deck. Should be interesting.
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[BusyDad] That's worth at least a keg, right?
Okay, I just looked at your Blogger profile....OCCUPATION: yeah, that would be nice...
Totally made me laugh out loud! Got busted on your blog page when my cube-farm neighbor came to see what was so funny!
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[BusyDad] ooops! sorry! hahaa. I have no cubicle from which to get in trouble right now. Life is good.
Ohhh... do you rent out? My yard so needs to be re-sod. I'll throw in TWO cases of Newcastle and a chair on the beach.
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[BusyDad] A chair on an actual beach, not just a beach chair? You may have yourself a deal. Bartering is so money.
You know you missed a spot, next to the sandbox. I love/hate those projects and I totally get the pride thing. Make sure you roll that stuff tight and hit it hard with the water, mornings and nights...it wil die quickly (I know first hand). Did you get the landscaping staple things to hold it into place? Also--key. Peace!
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[BusyDad] I did that on purpose! (5 year old phrases = useful). I tried to get sod tacks (I think that's what they are called) because the first time we did it years ago, varmints flipped up all the sod. But Home Depot only had them online. At least now, the crazy dogs keep the varmints out. We'll see. And yup, I have all the time in the world to play human sprinkler right now. That so didn't sound right.
The grass looks great! My DH was laid off a few years ago and it was the best thing that ever happened to our family. He's taken a pay cut with his "new" job (the new job is going on four years now), but he has awesome benefits and he really likes this job whereas the old job s**ked and he was miserable, and hence, so were we all. ;-) No, actually, he was a trooper about the whole thing, but it's so. much. better. now.
So, here's hoping for the same luck for you!
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[BusyDad] Thanks Jen! I'm looking at this as an opportunity to find myself a better cubicle to call home. so far so good...
I'm in. Let's LANDSCAPE.
I charge in manhattans.
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[BusyDad] Sold! Boy, you are a tough negotiator.
Another really great thing about sod? If you don't water it, it makes really, really good frisbees. Watch out for windows. DON'T ask me how I know this. In all seriousness? Great job.
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[BusyDad] You know that Fury and I have to try that now, don't you? You had to have known...
Dude! I posted a comment here early this morning, and your blog ATE it! Anyway, I said that this lawn looks like the kind of place where I'd like to lay around all day and read a book, preferably with someone fanning me and feeding me grapes. Manicured and gorgeous. (Perhaps don't suggest this to dWife, though, who might insist that this is your new job while she reads...)
Also -- kudos on the heavy lifting. I did my own version of that installing a fieldstone patio. And 50 odd bags of small rock and patio sand is a serious workout to transport. You deserve mad props for all that grass.
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[BusyDad] Ouch! At least sod doesn't have hard edges. Sorry my blog ate your original post. You gave me the benefit of the doubt. Most people think I got mad and deleted it. Me? Get mad?
Duuuude- awesome lawn- I should send you a pic of my yard after the construction project. Better yet come up to seattle and help me put my lawn in! and I pay Fat Tire ale.
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[BusyDad] Thanks man! The Fat Tire to Newcastle exchange rate is pretty even. I'll take it.
I'd hire you.
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[BusyDad] Can you teach that phrase to my prospective employers? Thanks!
I have a teeeensy tinsy yard that needs some work. I'll pay you with beer. It's only a 5 hour plane ride away.
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[BusyDad] Scary thing is I'd do it too.
Only a *real* man can make a sod shawl look hot.
Nice work.
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[BusyDad] Thank you! I find it very caveman chic myself. The paleosexual movement perhaps?
Only a *real* man can make a sod shawl look hot.
Nice work.
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[BusyDad] I'm leaving this in so I can say "yeah, the Bloggess multiple comments on my posts."
You wear that pelt well, my friend.
Sorry to hear about the job; but glad to see that it's an opportunity for you. Office politics suck donkey balls; and you don't need that crap.
Here's hoping you find something better soon.
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[BusyDad] Thanks Kmeg! I definitely don't need it. I do need a matching hat for the pelt though, don't you think?
Is HGTV hiring?
Employed or not, you're still better than my hubby. We landscaped our yard in California. Guess who dug the trenches for the irrigation....and lifted the sod off the truck? Uh huh, me. And I didn't get an freaking beer out of it either :(
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[BusyDad] Oh! You need to file a formal complaint with the marriage board. I think you've accumulated a couple years' worth of back beers for that work. I have new respect for you as a gardening monster, btw! Digging trenches ain't easy!
I noticed you put rocks on the sandbox now...
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[BusyDad] Haha - I was wondering if anyone would pick up on that. Yes, I originally had them set in front of the sandbox so as to form a path that grass wouldn't grow on. As you can see, they were quite unnecessary and redundant. They serve a more useful function now as sandbox cover hold-in-place-ers.
Ok lurker here...coming out of lurkerville just to pat you on the back-you did an awesome job! wow that looks like a ton of work.
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[BusyDad] Thank you Deeg! I was a ton of work and every single muscle in my body is paying for it today. I love it when folks de-lurk. This is awesome. I have this tradition where I drink a beer whenever someone delurks. Well, it will be, Once I drink this here beer...
I absolutely love the Star Wars reference. I use that one quite often actually.
Dude, you did good. I hope you got more than those New Castles as a reward!
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[BusyDad] Unfortunately, it does not work on 5-year-olds. Not even a little. Yes, my reward was that it made my wife happy. (all people who know me are gagging right now, including d wife).