Not Winning
Monday, October 22, 2012 In second grade, I was on the baseball team that won the town championship. Part of the thrill of victory is knowing that the other guy didn't get your trophy. A few years later, I was on the soccer team that lost every single game we played. Nothing like knowing you suck to strengthen your resolve not to. That's the ebb and flow of life, and it's just as essential to one's development as knowing what foods to eat to avoid constipation. Of course I'm still bummed I didn't get selected for MTV's Singled Out when I auditioned in 1995, but it made me realize my energies could be better spent on less futile things than trying to impress women. I can quote you any line from Pulp Fiction.
Winning is good. Losing sucks. But losing gives us the opportunity to reinforce some really important things: self-confidence, resilience, perspective, and will power. By removing loss from the equation, we end up raising a generation of kids who cannot deal with things not going their way, and that leads to things like reality shows. So I guess you can tell how I feel about the "everybody gets a trophy" thing that permeates youth sports today.
Yes, sport is about about fun, it is about learning the value of teamwork, it is about pushing yourself beyond your perceived limits. But just as much, it is also about winning and losing.
Fury had his first Brazilian Jiu Jitsu tournament this past weekend. As someone who has trained in martial arts for more than 20 years, I can say that this was one of those life-defining moments for me, characterized ironically by my inability to define the mix of excitement, pride, apprehension, and anticipation I felt as I saw him lined up, ready to do battle.
I was also pleased to see that, although every kid got a medal for participating, only one competitor's hand got raised at the end of each match. There was a clear winner, and a clear loser; and the loser got a different colored medal. As the matches progressed, I thought, "good on them, they totally get it." As kids' anticipation turned to disappointment when their names did not complete the sentence "and the winner is..." I thought "hey, it builds character." As my own kid got taken down to the mat moments after the opening bell, and the tears in his eyes begin to well up, I thought "oh... shit."
When the final whistle blew, it wasn't Fury's hand being raised in victory.
There was my boy, who has seen the fire in my eyes when I talk about K-1, UFC or a sick KO clip on YouTube. My boy, who has heard a thousand times the story of how I bought him his first pair of Muay Thai shorts when he was just three months old. My boy, who has felt the pride emanating from every pore of my body when we talk about Jiu Jitsu practice at the end of the day. My boy, a 10 year old with expectations now turned to tears streaming down his face.
What he saw was the other kid's hand being raised. What he didn't see was the one hell of a fight he put up against an opponent who was more experienced and a full rank higher than he was. He didn't see the hours in the gym that he's put into training -- the hours that transformed theoretical moves into an arsenal of instincts. Nor did he see the relentless hustle, the heart of a fighter, and in the end, the grace of a sportsman he displayed in defeat that we all saw, including his coach.
Right after the match, before he even left the mat, his coach awarded him his next stripe. Right after that, Lisa hugged him as he cried and said the things that moms know how to say so well. And after that, I knelt down, put my hand on his shoulder looked him in the eye and told him today he was a warrior.
Fury didn't win his first Jiu Jitsu match. And I couldn't be more proud.
Reader Comments (21)
I love this post.
That same day, my kid didn't qualify for state in marching band. They busted their butts (and noses- he has the sunburns to prove it) and they still didn't qualify. What they did, however, was increase their ranking an entire level, and now they only have to improve by one more ranking to qualify for state next year.
Now they have a goal.
Now they know that hard work pays off eventually, not today, not right now with a toy in their happy meal, but in the LONG RUN.
My son didn't qualify for state, and I also couldn't be more proud. What's awesome is that, at 14-18, they also know to be proud.
I HATE it when you make me cry at my desk, Jim. Honestly. But my daughter is on the suckiest (is too a word) volleyball team at the moment and I'm going to have her read what you wrote. She needs to know there is value in losing.
I totally agree with you. It is so important to teach children good sportsmanship in the aftermath of defeat. My step son quits things after less than a week of doing something and had never learned how to lose gracefully. I think that lesson is so important and all too often (especially today) is overlooked because we just award them for showing up.
So proud of Marcus for being such a great example of a true athlete.
Oh, for crap's sake! Why you gotta go making me teary? I have no doubt that Fury could kick my ass even if I tried REALLY hard. Also, tell him that we might be able to get rich with this act. Fury, call me.
I have my black belt in muay thai, and watching my kids train was the worst part of it.
Good on you.
Oh man, losing sucks at any age. One of the best phrases in sports though is "You have to lose before you learn how to win." I don't think that could be any more true in sports and many of the greatest athletes in the world across all sports would say the same.
That is such an important message for kids. My step son quits things within a week of trying and he won't do things that he may lose at. When he does lose .. He is definitely far from being a good example of a good loser. I think it's so important to teach kids how to lose gracefully. That there is nothing good about unsportsmanlike conduct. It's so important IMO for kids to lose so that they can be taught that it's ok.
I really wish they'd stop giving awards for just showing up.
So very proud of Marcus for showing such grace in defeat. Proud, indeed.
I saw you blogging on BART tuesday, and I really dig your writing. I'm a dad of 2 1/2 myself (stepdaughter), and I'm sure to pickup some insight from you. Great stuff, looking forward to more.
Awe-Some. Seriously, as a teacher you see all those kids who think they should get an A just for being in school. Not okay. You have to work hard for what you get and even then you don't always end up on top, but you can feel proud of the hard work you've done.
Kinda like that research study that says if you praise a kid for their effort they will continue to work harder and feel good about themselves while if you praise a kid for being smart, athletic, etc, they will eventually quit because they are afraid if they fail they won't be that anymore.
Winning does not necessarily equal pride. That's a lesson for both parent and child.
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I cry when they win, and I cry when they lose. Heck, I cried the first time my kid swam a full pool length. Losing and knowing you'll still wake up the next day is such a great life lesson. But, man, does winning feel good.
And, yes, I cried reading this, too.
really like this post, jim!
I agree wholeheartedly that "everyone getting medals/trophies/rewards" doesn't help kids. At all.Fury is lucky to have such a good Dad.
I agree with you that kids need to learn how to lose and learn about perseverance, sportsmanship, etc. but man doesn't it suck when it is your kid with tears streaming down his/her face? You know the lesson is an important one, but as a parent you just want to take the pain away. Brought tears to my eyes just thinking about you watching him. I love how you focused on how far he has come and how well he did even though he didn't win.
The only thing insightful I can think of to say is, "In the fifth, your ass goes down" and I don't think Fury would really appreciate that.
Also, you made me cry a little bit.
Great post. My kids did TKD for nine years and it was always difficult to see them in the sparring ring (win or lose). Fury should be proud of all the work and discipline just to compete. Our coach (an old Korean grandmaster) used to say he loved doing kids classes because of the potential of each athlete, but also how enthusiastic kids were in learning, which reminded him of why he loved the sport.
I've been saying this for years and years. Not everyone can be a winner every time. I'm so tired of trophies for each kid on the soccer team even though they didn't win a single game but because their wittle feewings might get hurt. You know what the kids on my son's soccer team (through school and with crazy parents) learned? That's it's okay if you don't try your hardest because you'll get a trophy anyway.
And that generation of kids hit college a few years ago (I teach college history). And it was almost amusing to see their looks of confusion as they realized that they aren't winners. That sometimes they're going to lose. Because mommy can't get you a trophy for getting a D in US History.
Oh, but a great story here! My son made 4th grade honor choir. I had dutifully patted him on the back, high fived him, paid the dues (of course dues) and went on my merry way. A couple days later, I was walking up to the school while several classes were on the playground and a kid in Cub Scouts came running up to me to tell me he made student council. Yay! And then he said he didn't make honors choir. I stopped and registered this and said something about how well, you did make student council and he was all yeah, it's fine.
But that means my kid made honors choir on his own voice...YAY!!!!
Yes...yes to all of this.
Just discovered your blog, so please excuse the late comment.
I loved this post so much. When my son was 7, he was in the state championships for taekwondo. He made it to the finals and was so proud. Because he was under age 10, kicking to the head is disallowed. On the last point of the match, The Ambassador swung a perfect arc kick to his opponent's chest pad. The other boy shifted, and Ambassador's foot slipped up and caught his helmet. Automatic point to his opponent, and a silver medal went to my son.
He was devastated, but I was almost glad for it. It taught him respect for hard and fast rules, it taught him that safety is not an option, and it made him learn control, which every 7yr old needs.
Kudos to Fury for learning this difficult but necessary lesson; and even more so to you and Lisa for guiding him through that necessary pain.
Nice post! As a new dad and businessman I today wrote http://www.mjward.co.uk/blog/2012/12/running-a-business-with-a-baby/ which covers the topic of parenthood and business... To be honest, after writing this I then did some Googling to see what other dads had been blogging about. What I like about this post is your comment "By removing loss from the equation, we end up raising a generation of kids who cannot deal with things not going their way..." which is very very true! Competition is healthy however it is bouncing back from our losses or failures that define who we really are. Most call it character building :) Great blog and some interesting topics covered... I will be re-visiting again soon, that's when I am not busy with my little boy or working hard!
Wishing all a Merry Christmas!
Michael Jon Ward