Tales
From The Dadside
Entries from March 1, 2008 - April 1, 2008
Sure, If You Want to Get Technical…
I should just keep the TV on the Military Channel. It provides non-stop blog fodder. We’re watching Best Ranger 2007...
Fury: “Dad, what’s a Ranger?”
Me: “A Ranger is like a special forces army guy. More deadly than a regular soldier.”
Fury: “So like a commando?”
Me: “Yes! Like a commando!”
Fury: “Except they wear underwear?”
In case you did not understand this post: Going Commando
BusyDad
36 Comments
EmailDon't Make Me Get Circular Up In Here
Me: Cuz I’m stressed.
d Wife: About what?
Me: That I don’t have any Sun Chips.
Don't tell me you can't learn anything from a 5-year-old.
So Who Snuck into My House...
... and gave my kid drawing lessons? Seriously. When they say that if you blink you miss your kids growing up, they're not kidding. I'm on my laptop the other day blogging away. Fury asks me if he can draw. I give him an old notebook. With nothing more than his box of markers, he gets to work.
"Hey Dad, look. The Ben 10 guys!"
It's not that I doubt his crazy talent in everything he touches, but the last time I really looked at his drawings, he was churning out stuff like this by the ream:
So you can understand my total amazement when I saw these (actual subjects provided as a reference).
Ok, so he used the same concept in different colors for the last two, but the kid is 5 and he did these with zero reference. I'm dumbfounded. I guess he was serious when he told mom that when he grows up he wants to be a "show draw-er."
Does Cartoon Network take interns? What if I plug this cool contest?
The Ben 10 "Ultimate Alien Hangout" Sweepstakes
One lucky kid will win a room transformation that will feature Ben 10 decor and a messload of toys. You know, basically a prize that will make the kid's head explode if he or she is half as into Ben 10 as Fury is. Deadline is April 10 (Fury's birthday is April 15, by the way, Bandai/Cartoon Network/Ben 10 corporate executives). Winners will be announced April 20. Always wanted to see what a Ben 10 room makeover consists of? Check out this clip from Designing Spaces.
Pop Quiz
Q: How can you tell that you talk way too much about blogging?
A: Your 5-year-old does this while you’re playing Legos with him on a Sunday night:
“Hey dad, don’t look ok?”
[turns around and starts tinkering with pieces]
“Here you go!”
“Hahaha! What is that supposed to be, Fury!?”
“It’s Mr. Lady!”
Yes, folks, my son is down with one of the baddest mommy bloggers in the land, Mr. Lady of Whiskey in My Sippy Cup. You just can’t BUY that kind of juice.
The Road to Heaven Has a Hopping Lane
So d Wife and Fury had Good Friday off. The food court at the mall seemed a good a place as any to conduct some religious edumacation.
d Wife: So, Fury, do you know why today is Good Friday?
Fury: Why?
d Wife: Today is the day Jesus died. When God first made people, they were being bad and he wanted to blow them all up, but his son Jesus said wait, dad, let me go down to earth...
[5 more minutes of Sunday School stuff that I can never remember...]
d Wife: ... so then on the 3rd day, Jesus' disciples went to the cave to find his body and it wasn't there. So then they went back home and there he was preaching. And then later the angel came and picked him up and took him to heaven. So we celebrate Easter because that's the day Jesus rose from the dead and saved us from our sins.
Fury: Oh... so the first animal to go to heaven is the bunny??
My son. Keepin' it relevant.
HAPPY EASTER!
Help Me Maury Povich, You're My Only Hope!
Maury: Ok, let's welcome our next guest to today's "Help! My Loved One Neeeeds a Makeover" special. Her name is Lisa and she hails from Los Angeles. Lisa, tell us about why you contacted us.
Lisa: Hi Maury... my son Fury looks like a stoner. People take one look at him and think he's an urchin living under the street. His teachers give us the evil eye when we drop him off at school. His sports coach calls him Mowgli... I'm at my wit's end.
Maury: And you say you're afraid where this might lead...
Lisa: Yes. I mean, he's already drawing out his U's when he says "dude." He's only five, Maury! Five! What's next? Is he gonna say "Stop harshing my mellow, mom!" when I make him eat all his broccoli? When do we start drawing the line?
Maury: Right now, Lisa. Right now. But first let's take a look at Fury:
Lisa: *sob*
Maury: Don't you worry, Lisa. We've assembled just the team you need to bring about a transformation like you've never seen. Since this morning, the guys at Queer Eye for the Little Guy, have been backstage working their magic on Fury. Oh! and they tell me they're done. Are you ready? Presenting the newer, Abercrombier Fury!
Fury: Hi Mom...
Lisa: Oh my god!!
Fury: Can you sign me up for the Lacrosse League?
Lisa: *sob* yes son! I love you!
Maury: How adorable. And Lisa, we couldn't just makeover your son and send you home with nothing for yourself now could we? Nope - we want you to embrace your new role as a mom to the "beautiful people" by enjoying this DVD box set of "Real Wives of Orange County. Seasons I and II."
[cue credits]
Yo Mama Reads Alltop!
Well, at least mine should.
Because her son's blog is on it! Right here, front and center (well, go to the right, then scroll down... a little more, yeah yeah, your scrolling finger is sore! stop complaining, keep scrolling, we're scroooling... aaaaand stop!) BOOYAH!
Alltop is the brainchild of venture capitalist/entrepreneur/tech celebrity Guy Kawasaki. Did you click on the link to Alltop yet? Did you think "what? that's it? a page that aggregates RSS feeds?" Yeah, so did I. But that's because I'm not the visitor Guy is trying to reach. That's the genuis of this website.
If you are reading this blog, chances are you are a blogger. Chances are you are a mom blogger between the ages of 24-45 (don't think I don't do my homework, I am a wily counter-stalker). Chances are you have 234 unread posts in your Google Reader right now. Alltop wasn't built to appeal to you.
Guy Kawasaki built Alltop for my mom. My mom who after a 5 or 6 emails and phone calls back and forth finally figured out how to configure a reader, and after many attempts managed to successfully subscribe to my RSS feed.
My mom, who several months later had this conversation with me:
"So, I can get your blog on my Google, but isn't just as easy for me to just go to your website?"
"Yeah mom, you can get the same thing by going to my site, but then you have to do the same for all the other blogs you visit. Isn't it a lot easier to have the most recent posts show up in one place?"
"But I only have your blog on my reader. I don't read other blogs."
*forehead smack* "oh... yes, just go to my website then."
Ok, on second thought, maybe he didn't build this for my mom. Maybe your mom, or the average non-blogging internet user who has probably seen the ubiquitous orange radar looking doohickey but is too intimidated to figure out what it's for. To these folks, Alltop is everything they ever needed: the blog feeds and excerpts from of all the top sites organized by category (e.g. small business, celebrities, humor, gadgets, green living, dads, moms...). Sure, it's simplistic. But so is Craigslist.
[Editor's note: look at me getting all excited and not minding my manners! Big THANK YOU to Guy Kawasaki for adding me, and to anyone who recommended me to him of which I know Amy T Sharp of Doobleh-Vay is one, and to Jenny (aka The Bloggess) for clueing me into the significance of Guy and all he does!]
Carnage > V.D.
FutureWeapons is a very cool show on the Military Channel. Sunday's episode highlighted robotics and unmanned military vehicles. Educational, safe to watch, and we’re both engrossed in this interesting show.
A commercial break. I leave to check email.
The sound of TV commercials provides background drone. I pay no heed to the “ask your doctor” disclaimer piping in from the next room. Until Fury’s voice follows it up.
“Dad? What’s Herbies?”
Oh no.
“Daaad! What’s Herbies?”
Trying my best not to crack up. “Um. It’s... a disease.”
“What happens when you have Herbies?”
Failing miserably right now. Stifling a laugh in the crook of my elbow.
“How do you get Herbies?”
I have no answer. I’m laughing too hard.
“What’s so funny?”
“Something really funny is on my computer, Fury.”
“Lemme see!”
Commercial break ends. Back to robotic killing machines.
Saved by the bell.
(Toy) Breaking News
The Galactic Observer
Coruscant and Core Worlds Edition
Chancellor Palpatine Issues Galaxy-Wide Manhunt
TATOOINE - Following the grisly discovery of the remains of a Republic Clone Trooper on the outskirts of Sector 764, a remote outpost on the desert planet of Tatooine, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine has mobilized an elite Jedi unit to apprehend the likely suspects, a pair of interplanetary bandits known collectively as the "Crazy Dogs."
Clone Trooper Battalion 55 found the body of their fallen comrade after a search and rescue mission, immediately following reports that one of their own had been abducted from a plateau region commonly referred to as Patio Table.
Troops mourn the loss of their comrade. "He put the action in action figure," they fondly recall.
"I had a few scouts hold their position on Patio Table after a day of military exercises in The Sandbox zone," explains Commander BD. "Their armor was infused with excess sand, and judgment told me that Interior Minister d Wife would not want them to enter the Home Zone in that state of contamination."
Sometime during the evening, as the troopers slept, one scout was abducted from the unit. Hopes for a safe return were dashed when searchers found what was left of him the next morning.
"This is an outrage," stated Chancellor Palpatine at a press conference that afternoon. "We will spare no resources to ensure that whoever did this is captured and punished to the full extent of the law. Our elite military investigative unit staked out the area and have solid surveillance footage of the suspected perpetrators returning to the crime scene."
Surveillance footage spells doom for the "Crazy Dogs."
An elite Jedi unit led by Obi Wan Kenobi protoge "Kid Fury" has been dispatched to Tatoonine to launch a large-scale manhunt.
Newly appointed Jedi Knight Kid Fury readies his team for his first mission as a unit leader.
To expedite efforts, the Chancellor hopes to entice bounty hunters across the galaxy to join the hunt by issuing a 50,000 Galactic Credit reward for information leading up to the capture of the "Crazy Dogs."
"Use extreme caution," Palpatine warns. "And biscuits."
I Would So Rock the Interview
Car rides are a good opportunity for me to educate my son. Today, I decided to talk about the risks of alcohol.
Me: So, Fury, you can't just drink whenever or wherever you want.
Fury: When can you drink?
Me: Well, you can drink when you're at home, or if you are having fun or relaxing. Like if you're not doing anything too important.
Fury: Why?
Me: Because when you drink, sometimes you can't pay as much attention to certain things. Like at work. They don't let you drink when you're at work. You know why?
Fury: Ya, you'll spill it.
This is going on my next Staples order.
Oops. One More TIp...
I'd like to append yesterday's post with one more valuable tip:
"What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? Didn't Mommy and Daddy show you how to pay attention to yer friends' blogs when you were a child? "
Yeah, um, make sure to keep up with your favorite blogs, because if you don't, you'll do stupid stuff like totally miss the fact that just a few days ago they also nominated you for the same writing award, and you went ahead and posted without acknowledging them and now you feel like a dope. Sorry Secret Agent Mama! I'm sure everyone who reads this blog also reads her blog, so she needs no introduction. All I have to say is she's crazy talented with both the "pen" and the camera and I'm proud to call her a friend. Pretty soon, I'll be calling her a co-conspirator as well, as we're cooking up a very cool cross-blog post of epic proportions. Stay tuned!
I'm Going to Pass Out...
... an award. A very cool one given to me by Andrea at Mommy’s Martini, an extremely diggable blog. Her life is hectic. I don’t blame her for naming her blog after a stiff drink. But she keeps it fun. Fun like your third martini. Who else would invite her dog to guest post? Well, I probably would. But that’s why I like her.
Oh, and how can I not love this:
"Jim of The Busy Dad Blog. It's true: I love a blog by a dad. Especially one who will spend untold days building his son a gorgeous sandbox and then blog about it with good-humor when his son moves right on past all that effort to play in the loose dirt in the backyard. And who will write an entire Iron Chef episode starring photos of his son. Seriously."
But this award comes with a catch. I have to share some practical writing tips with my fellow bloggers. Me? I’m just a newb. I'm too green to take the podium to “advise” people who have probably been doing this far longer than I have. So, I’ve borrowed a page from Geico’s playbook and enlisted the help of some celebrities to share my tips with you.
“The Blogging Scene is Peeeooople!”
The “blogosphere” or even the internet in general ain’t nothin but a bunch of people when you boil it down (and make green wafers out of it). There’s no blogging rulebook (and if there is--oops, I threw it away with my pre-approved BlogHer credit card offer). Maybe I’m just lazy, but basically it comes down to this: act like you would in real life because the consequences are the same. If you act like an ass, you will get treated like one. If you are thoughtful and considerate, people will respond in kind. I had this cheesy poster of two beagles in my room when I was a kid that read, “If you want a friend, be a friend.” It doesn’t get much easier than that, my friends.
“If you had... one entry, or one opportunity, one meme... Would you post it, or just let it slip, yo...”
View each post as if it were your only one. Would you be happy with it if everyone who visited your site would just see that one post? Would you trust that post to represent your blog and, by extension, you? If not, then re-work it. Or scrap it. You should see my posting junkyard. It’s pretty immense. Because if you don’t love it, what’s the point really?
"You know, I have no professional training of posting and commenting."
Bend it like Hung, man. Don’t be overly critical of yourself. Don’t stress if you can’t spell, suck at grammar, can’t make clever sentence transitions or can’t end a post with a bang. If you love what you do, that’s all that matters. Dream big (look for the “Life with BusyDad” reality show on VH1 next fall) and flash a big goofy smile every step of the way.
Now for the fun part. Because it's the end of the day Friday and I really want to get a post up to take advantage of Blog Hopper traffic (call me a stats whore!), I am choosing only one female and one male blogger. I am actually very happy that these two bloggers were previously overlooked because I seriously envy their writing ability and would love nothing more than to tell them that right now.
Mr. Lady at Whiskey In My Sippy Cup: I seriously used to sit there for a good twenty minutes writing and rewriting my comments when I first discovered her blog. Nothing I wrote seemed to add anything of worth to her posts, and I sure as hell didn't want to seem like a dork to her. She is the queen of subtle badassedness. BUT, she is one of the nicest and funniest bloggers anywhere once you gather the courage to say hi.
Xbox4NappyRash: Xbox is a riot. Sarcasm and dry wit at its best. I don't comment as much as I should on his blog because, again, I often can't add anything to his post besides "hahaha!" His mini tangential rants within his posts are killer. As much as I would love to write like that, I know I can't. It's a gift.
I'm having a lot of trouble ending this blog post with something punchy, so I'll revert to 4th grade composition 101. In conclusion, I am honored to have received this award and I hope you visit the blogs I nominated.
If You Gave a Million Monkeys a Million Typewriters and a Million Years...
... they would eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare. So what happens if you give one nutty 5-year old one camera for a few minutes for a few days?
Part of This Nutritious Breakfast
Good thing I had this post ready to go. That last one suffered from terminal "WTF-itis"... whew. Moving on.
Me: Fury, I have no fruit for you this morning. You lucked out.
Fury: What about that pizza? It has mushrooms on it. That's like fruit.
Me: Good thinking.
I Really Should've Been Mad
I woke up to find this little scene in the backyard. All things considered, it actually made me quite happy. Good boy, Krypto!
[Editor's Note] Apparently I was being a little too cryptic. Point of this post: At least SOMEONE is enjoying this sandbox I spent an entire back-breaking day building! Krypto slid the top halfway off and spent the morning blissfully digging away.