How to Completely Remodel Your Home in 30 days and 12 Easy Steps
Sunday, June 21, 2009 As some of you may know, my house recently underwent a total makeover. Whenever people see my house, they always ask "how long did it take?" And then I say "one month," and then they laugh. And then I laugh and we move onto other subjects. It's not worth explaining. But here on my blog, I've got time. So I'm going to explain step-by-step how to remodel your entire house in 30 days.
I'm also going to give away a $100 Home Depot gift card. You know, happy father's day, bribing my readers to leave comments, buying your affections and all that...
Step 1
Move your family to a new city and find the cheapest gas station in town. Fill up twice a week because you have a crazy ass gas guzzling truck that only gets 6 mpg. Bitch constantly to the owner of that gas station about having to fill your tank up twice a week. But since you have a 34 gal. tank and your twice-a-week fillups pretty much cover the rent for his station, he's really cool with you.
Step 2
And because filling up your tank takes about 2 hours at a time, you end up spending lots of quality time at this gas station, just talking about random stuff with this guy. Pretty soon, you find out he's exactly your age, and knows a lot more about lead generation, sales channel management, ROI, Powerpoint and Excel than your average dude who works at a gas station. Turns out, he is a disillusioned corporate refugee who one day just said "Frick this crap. I'm going to open a gas station." And just did it. At around the same time, he finds out you work in the field of online marketing. "Hmm..." he thinks.
Step 3
One day while you are hanging out at the station, Toheed (it's too tiring to type "gas station dude" over and over) casually brings up the online marketing thing, and asks if he can pick your brain about something. But he gets as far as "I wanna sell fish..." before I freak out. "FISH! I LOVE FISH! I am a total fish nerd. Let's DO this!" And we just did it. That was the genesis of OceanPets.com (the site is still up, but the business is defunct - keep reading).
Step 4
Get $800 worth of sales just a couple days after launching the site. Which means you drive your 6 mpg truck to the fish wholesalers near LAX (Los Angeles International Airport) to fulfill orders each day and do it like the big boys -- in special styrofoam containers, pumped oxygen and ice/heat packs (depending on the region to which you're overnighting your tropical fish). Start generating sales of $2,000 per day before long. But then you realize why only the big boys ship live fish: DHL and FedEx often (VERY often) deliver to the wrong address, lose packages and run into storms. All of which does not fare well with Nemo and Dori who are sitting in a plastic bag that only has enough oxygen for a 24 hour trip. And unless you are a big boy with lots of money in reserve, you simply cannot re-fulfill the order, plus pay again to ship it (out of your own pocket) while you wait 6-8 weeks for DHL and FedEx to "review" your loss claim and ask for evidence that the shipment has been damaged. Um, how about "turns out the fish I delivered has ceased to be. It is bereft of life. It is an EX-FISH!" (bonus fish for you if you got that reference).
Step 5
Before calling it quits on the fish business, you insightfully conclude one day that 1) people like to buy live fish 2) it is futile to try to ship fish 3) Toheed has all this empty space inside his gas station 4) you can fit about 23 fish tanks in here with the proper rack set-up 5) you're here all the time anyway 6) the slogan "Fill Your Tank" is the perfect catchy phrase for a gas station/tropical fish store 8) Petroleum products and aquatic life can co-exist, Exxon Valdez notwithstanding.
Step 6
Sell 6 fish in 6 months out of the gas station. Craigslist all the fish tanks. Dust ourselves off and decide with Toheed to sell something less alive through the internet. That was the genesis of Silverguys.com. Let's just say I have a very nice ziploc bag in the closet with all kinds of silver jewelry in it. None of which has been sold. Talk to me, my friend. I give you best price.
Step 7
Go back to your day jobs and stick to what you're good at. Which in me and Toheed's case is being the real-life "Harold and Kumar" wherever we go.
Step 8
Go back to the corporate grind while Toheed buys a smog station in Sacramento. And tries to remodel it. But then is told by the city that he cannot hire any crews to do it unless he goes through a general contractor. So in genuine Toheed style, what does he do? He takes the general contractor's license exam and passes it. Since he now has his license, he throws a couple ads up on Craigslist to see what happens. He lands a ton of jobs and pretty soon he's bringing in more money than selling gas has ever brought. A year later, he brings me in to help him do sales and business development.
Step 9
Not knowing jack about construction, I buy a book and attend a few tradeshows. But Toheed teaches me that that your ability to put a real proposal together, use a spreadsheet and speak English far outweighs any knowledge of construction when you're selling commercial projects. And he is absolutely right.
Step 10
Decide that it's time for another kid, which means the house needs to be bigger. Perhaps a second story? Toheed tells you he can totally do that, so you hire an architect, draft some plans, and send your wife and kid overseas for 2 months so construction can begin. After your wife and kid leave, and you pack all your belongings in boxes and store them in the garage, find out that your zone is the hardest zone in Los Angeles County to get approval for a second story, and it ain't happening without months of jumping through hoops.
Step 11
Make lemonade out of lemons. Rent your house out for two months and go live like a frat boy with your friend Joey the Fireman. That's all I'll say about that.
Step 12
Wait for the economy to slow down and construction projects to dry up along with it. Go back to your day job. Work two more years. Realize you still have construction loan money left and decide it's no longer worth it to try for that second story. Draft new plans (which include your dream kitchen and bar area, which make you feel a lot better about not getting that second story), and then move your family into Toheed's house while he begins construction. Unleash your kid and dogs on this single guy's house and in 30 days? Voila. NEW HOUSE.
* * * * *
I apologize for the length of this post. I really do. We're almost done.
So Toheed succeeded in building us the pimpinest house in only 30 days and I cannot thank him enough for doing this for us (at cost!!). It just proves that in life, there is nothing better than good friends. They stick with you through thick and thin, get into trouble with you, bail you out and laugh with you the whole way through. Really, what more to life is there?
For my good friend, please do me a favor. If you know anyone in the Southern CA area who needs a general contractor, tell them about his company, Complete Construction. He is a great guy and I can vouch for his honesty and committment to service. And if you don't believe me, check out this slideshow I made about our home remodel. It'll blow you away:
Awkward segway time (because d Wife and Fury are waiting for me to finish this post so we can get on with Father's Day festivities and can't think of any way to seamlessly weave this giveaway into my post)...
Hey, Happy Father's Day! What goes with remodeling posts and dad? Why, Home Depot of course! And looky. I happen to have $100 Home Depot gift card for you right here! In true BusyDad style, I dropped the ball and failed to put this post up before Father's Day so that the winner would actually have this card in hand to spend on Father's Day. But it actually turned out for the better because now I have a little game to play:
See these really clever gift cards?
I'll give one to the poor soul got the lousiest Father's Day present this year. If you're a dad, leave a comment on this post describing your lousy present. If you're a mom and you gave a less than ideal gift and would like to make up for it, describe that necktie in detail right here. I'll give you till next Saturday 11:59 pm to get these all in (and pass this post along) and then select a winner.
And if you're really down to the wire and HAVEN'T gotten the father in your life a present yet, here's a link with more info on Home Depot gift cards. I'd want the drill bit one myself. I'm always losing or breaking drill bits, because, you know, I'm only good at doing contruction proposals.
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!
ADDENDUM:
My first commenter on this post suffered a tragedy that none of us should ever have to face, and in light of that I know some of you felt bad telling me about horrible neckties to win a gift card. Home Depot stepped up (thank you! you rock) and offered her family a $100 Gift Card apart from this contest. So... bring on the bad neckties! The $100 gift card is yours to win - and I've changed the rules, because I can. I will let fate, aka the Randomizer, decide which story gets the card.
ADDENDUM #2:
Geeez how could I forget?? Toheed is getting married this weekend. Please congratulate him (I'll have him check comments)!
View Printer Friendly Version
Reader Comments (51)
No Father's Day present this year. No Father in my boys life this year. Not looking for a pity vote. Just looking for some Home Depot Money to repaint and redecorate a few things in the house to cheer it up a bit.
I did get my Dad a Father's Day card relating to farts. Because Dad's love shit like that. And so do my boys.
KEEP BELIEVING
You should pick Angie@KeepBelieving
i agree. give it to angie.
besides i give GOOD father's day presents. my dad wants nothing, so he gets his fave-rave see's candy.
and hubby? can you say "leatherman"?
Another vote for Angie...
PS - house looks amazing. when do i get to come see in person?
The remodel looks good, although your 12 "easy steps" don't sound so easy to me.
I purchased my husband two Van's t-shirts [he's returning one] and two pairs of Van's shoes [he's returning both pairs -- I failed]. My husband also had a bilateral hernia operation on Wednesday [and a vasectomy which I'm not supposed to blog about] and I just dropped our oldest son off at diabetes camp for a week. I think my hubby's father's day as been a little sucky... but, he'll be fiiine.
Hope you had, and are continuing to have, a great father's day!
Awesome photos of an awesome remodel. SO envious right now as I look around my completely empty kicthen. The story about Toheed is so very cool... it's nice to have great friends. He sounds like a wonderful one.
And PS. I agree give it to Angie.
Happy Father's Day!!!
Jim - awesome post for Father's Day, and more importantly on friendship. Good friends are hard to find in this day and age. You have a picture of Joey The Fireman up on your site (which is dandy)....Why don't you give the woman readers of your site something else to look at? With an enigmatic name like Toheed, we need a visual. Show us Toheed the Contractor!
LOL remodleing ain't a job it's a freaking adventure. Amazing yours got done in 30 days- I had an addition added on to my house and it took a year and two months! Of course if I had done my homework and hired a decent contractor it would have been smoother. Now I am having my garage roof redone, my neighbor said when I had the contractor out to just take the bid and he has a roofing guy he went to school with.... Needless to say I jored the contractor. I have nothing against friends from school you smoked dope with, but I prefer MY friends from school I used to smoke dope with not my neighbor's. Anyway your house looks great.
On the gift cards- my damn dog didn't give me a thing for fathers day, so that is my entry.
give it to angie , and this year after 10 years i have a dad again my mom is remarrying one of the best men in the world . i got him 2 jeff dunham comedy movies because i got him hooked on jeff dunham with me.
happy fathers day .
Why the FUCK am I laughing this hard at a HOUSE REMODEL post? Good thing you have comfortable coat-tails...
So, I got my husband the World's Best Present this year, but a long time ago in a galazy far far away we hated, and i do mean HATED each other, and we were stuck living together until the end of June, and I really wanted him to get lost in the wilderness, and so I wasn't about to get him a Father's Day gift.
So I went to Target and got one of those crap mosaic frames and I filled it with pictures of him and our kids. JUST him and our kids. And I gave it to him. And since he had something to remember them by, I took those kids and moved out.
PS: Yeah, you know I got it.
My husband wins... he got a hormonal, pms'ing wife as a gift this year- and as a bonus- He got to talk to my daughter's jerk of a bio-dad to help him fix his shit so that our daughter could say "happy father's day" to the deadbeat of the year. Isn't he lucky??!!!
And seriously??? 30 days- it took me 3 YEARS to get our house PARTIALLY remodelled... so envious!!!
and as for the pity vote- I think my husband should win that too...
I can beat Mr Lady. Last year for father's day, I took Isobel's dad to court. For support, custody and a restraining order.
This year, she 'made' him a card. Then she wanted to give it to me. So while he was gripping it in two fingers, trying to stop her from ripping it out of his hands to give to me, I didn't stop her or scold her, since buddy's been a dick for the past two days and giving me the silent treatment. All because I got all hormonal and started crying about his mom not liking me and him never supporting me.
Point is. I win, because I gave him the gift of a completely unpredictable, moody chick FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.
Also, I'd really like to reno my apartment, so feel free to just declare me the winner, now. happy dad's day, dood.
I'm sure that someone has a worse gift that this, but I got Mr. Weasel a model of the Star Ship Enterprise for his someday actual desk of his new business. The problem, Although the Box is huge, the mode is like 1/1000000th scale. He removed it from the box and it is all scratched up and damaged and has to go back for a better gift. That and we made him go for a death march through the zoo in 90 degree temps and 95% humidity for 7 hours with 5 kids who like to poke each other with sharp and pointy sticks.
Holy Remodel Batman! Do you think if I moved my family in with Toheed, he could work his magic on our house too? We don't need a whole-house redo, just half of the downstairs floor. That would be awesome!
My Father's Day presents rocked...give the prize to someone more deserving. I'm just here to say, "Wow!" excellent transformation!
PS If "Fill Your Tank" was my LFS, I totally would replenish the current Tank of Doon from there. Bummer that it's no longer in business.
Also? Did it ever occur to you that perhaps those fish weren't dead? They were just sleeping. Then why were they nailed to their perches, you ask? I can't explain that part. Especially the bit about why fish need perches. And now that this metaphor has completely gone to s$*!, I bid you and Monty, er, Kumar, adieu.
OK, for starters, your new kitchen totally ROCKS. You're so making me chowda someday. And we'll wash it down with some Jack.
I feel guilty about Father's Day. The kids are still young enough that I'm in charge of the gift giving. I planned to cook his favorite foods with their help, but then he was up with food poisoning the night before. Surprise! Your gift is mealoaf on a cloud and chocolate pudding pie - yum. Yeah, he wasn't much in the mood for eating. *sigh*
Are you saying the fish ceased to be? Expired and gone to meet their maker? they were late fish, stiffs, bereft of life and resting in peace? If you hadn't nailed them to the fishbowl, they'd be pushing up the daisies?
And it was Darren's first father's day and he got the soldering station he wanted. Because he found where to buy it, wrote it down (including the SKU) and told me "This is what I want for father's day." So give the home depot card to Angie
So strange that we both blogged about home projects yesterday, and that I happened to make a reference to one of your past comments :) Scary!
The house looks amazing! Especially your kitchen (pardon me while I drool over your counter tops).
Oh yes, and my vote goes to Angie too.
Is it bad I only looked at your slideshow! Fury is so cute-- he thinks just like me! What the hell am I suppose to do! hope you had a grand father's day!
What a great story! And an improved house, to boot!
What my mother would say: "Toheed sounds like a good Bengali name. What? You got married already? And have children? I forget these things. After all, you chose an AmerEEcan."
How's this for the most AWESOME-EST Father's Day EVER?
1st Class Dining at this quaint little restaurant downtown...named Wendy's. With a drive thru and dollar menu.
Next, schlepping across town to get a few necessities only to find out that our bank account screwed up our account and thinks we only have $6.50 in our account. (We have slightly more than that.) So, they turned them off. On Sunday, a day when nobody works.
Cue infant screaming. Then, toddler because her sister is screaming.
Then some yelling about the bank account, and being drug to his in-laws for dinner. And, there wasn't even alcohol.
Love the island in the kitchen!
How about $34.50?
For the silver.
He got a dog a week before father's day.. so I told him that was his father's day gift. Then we went fishing on father's day and he spent the whole day baiting the kids' hooks and then he set Princess' fishing pole down and a fish yanked it out of the boat and she cried (can we have a moment of silence for the Barbie Fishing Pole).
:-) Happy FAther's Day ;-)
this fathers day. my husband schlepped back and forth, about 6 times, to pick up furniture from our cleaning ladies house. which she gave to us. because...well...she didn't need it anymore.
and then...he had to go to dinner at his mothers house. without me.
and he didn't even get his usual...o.d (figure out what that means ;) because i was too tired.
Now see? That is what a Ninja lair should look like.
Because Ninjas have lairs right? Or is like a headquarters?
Legue of Ninja Justice?
Nacho shack.
Eh.
Happy Father's Day!
I thoroughly enjoyed my first.
My wife and I took turns mowing the lawn while baby napped.
Can't beat that!
Your kitchen/home remodel is awesome! Completely and utterly awesome. I am totally envious of the kitchen, with the island cooktop and the way cool range hood. When I grow up, that's the kind of kitchen I want. Along with a pizza oven.
I can't claim that I got a lousy Father's Day present this year. Aside from relative peace and quiet, chocolate cake, pizza, and time to work on my new shelving project in the garage, I was presented with a mega-powerful green laser pointer. The kind that you hear about in the news from time to time, along with "FAA" and "Pilot" and "blinded". So I can't claim the prize, much as I'd like to.
Your reference in step 4 left me pining for the fjords. I might just take a rest, after a prolonged squawk.
I rocked the Father's Day gift this year (a first for me), so my only comment is on your precision before-during-after shots. You probably put an X on the floor on an exact spot to use for each one because, all those months ago, you were planning the production of that video in preparation for this blog post.
Or not. Heh.
LOVE the new kitchen. Perhaps you'll decide to host a fellow blogger event in said kitchen and invite said bloggers (southwestern region, of course) to sit at the lovely bar and partake in a lovely evening with your lovely cooking? Hmm?
Re: fathers day, I don't even think I gave him his card yet. I almost got around to giving him his anniversary card yesterday (anniversary was a few weeks ago.) Ooops. And a present? None. BUT, not for lack of trying. He's pinching pennies. Which is a pretty good reason to get the gift card, huh? And also? I gave him my love.
Toheed is a PEEEMP! And he's getting married this weekend -- SHOUT OUT TO TOHEED!!! I looove my new/old house!
I loved your story about your friendship with Toheed and the various paths the two of you have taken together. Congratulations to Toheed on his upcoming wedding! I hope he has a wonderful day.
I now have remodeling envy after looking at your video. I wish Toheed lived in the Chicago area. My house needs remodeling desperately, but alas it's not to be this year.
Your house is gorgeous! It's funny how different areas don't allow certain things. In my neighborhood, a second story addition is almost the norm.
As for the gift card, it wouldn't be safe giving it to us. We are both intelligent people who should stay away from anything remotely resembling a tool. It's just not in our genes. I'm sure you'll find someone worthy of the Home Depot GC.
I hope you had a wonderful Father's Day!
Awesome remodel. I'll go curse at my formica and linoleum after I finish this comment. I got the best Fathers Day presents ever; handmade cards from each of the kids and a Dell laptop that will be here in about 2 weeks. Whoo Hoo! No more kicking NukeBoy1 off of his MySpace page 2 seconds after he signs on! Yes, the NukeHouse will finally have a 2nd computer. The downside? In addition to being my Fathers Day gift, it is also my birthday gift, my Christmas gift and my Arbor Day gift....for the next 3 years. Oh well, don't cry for me, Marge and Tina.
I love Angie and your remodel. I'm glad she's getting that gift card. Home Depot rocks!
My husband didn't get a Father's Day present because we just got a puppy who has had two staph infections, a UTI, and who recently swallowed a rock. That's just a little bit of extra vet bills, in case you're not counting.
When she passes the rock, I'll wrap it up and give it to him.
Well Dad spent Father's Day by himself...cleaning the house. I could say that should be enough to hand over that $100 gift card, but to be honest I would keep it 'cuz I got Dad a deepsea fishing trip. So there goes that idea. And I was really looking forward to fixing up my place! wah-wah-wahhhhhh... ANYWAY, the remodel looks amazing and in a month?! That's Busy.
So I guess I'm doing Step 0:
Find a vacant uterus for rent in order to get family in order to move to Step 1. :P
Belated happy father's day! :)
Toheed must be a very skilled wizard. 30 days??!!??? Holy Frak! And it looks amazing! Well done and congratulations Toheed.
I love addendum number 1. Way to go Home Depot. (otherwise I'd have joined the ranks of bloggers voting to give it to Angie)
I was so busy getting ready for my parents to bring my little brothers to come visit this week while they go to sports camps that I didn't have time to pull more together than a nice card and a mix cd for my dad. But, my dad loves mix cds, so I think I did okay. Your house looks fantastic! What a great job!
Oh...and Happy Belated Father's Day ;)
i didn't get anything, actually. we drove several hours to my parents' house so that my dad would get to be with us, which he seemed to enjoy quite a bit, and i enjoyed being there. but that was it. i did got to bed early when we finally made it back to atlanta, so that was nice.
i love the house remodel!
So jealous I could spit.
Oh my Lord, I about peed my pants at your video montage. Why? Why is that music so hysterical with those shots?
Maybe it was just the commentary leading up to the montage. You crack me up.
Wow. It's just fantastic that Home Depot stepped up and offered Angie a gift card in addition to one for us luckier folk.
My gift this year? I gave Zach a playstation remote. I mean...he WANTED it, so it wasn't too bad. But that's kind of a lame gift.
We are moving soon and will have a *lot* of work to do on the new place, so 100 bucks could help out!
Hilarious post, by the way. When we do a remodel, I'll just move my family in with the contractor ;)
Well, that sounds like great advice. My technique is to date a carpenter. I figure it's a win-win situation :)
Wow!!! The house looks awesome and the Transformers theme was a nice touch. ;)
Congrats to Toheed and Madeeha! Beautiful couple!
-B
P.S. I'm looking forward to the next event so I can scope out the remodel!
Awesome post, dude! :D
Sweet house!
Sweet friend! :D
Thirty days? That is a miracle, and it look awesome too!
Glad Angie is getting the card.
I got the hubs a shirt that was too small, a pair of pants that were too big, and swim trunks that are too loud. Seems he's been remodelling his body and I've been totally oblivious.