Tales
From The Dadside
Entries in Kid Words (20)
Love Hurts
Fury and his buddy Jaden were discussing the new Ben 10 Alien Force series over pizza this weekend.
Jaden: "I think Kevin is gonna marry Gwen."
Fury: "Yeah, he really likes her a lot."
Jaden: "He's always nice to her."
Fury: "Kevin has such a cramp on her!"
That would totally explain those butterflies.
BusyDad
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EmailDo Labor Unions Hold Drafts?
If so, someone should be watching this kid. Threats made during a recent time-out:
“Dad, I’m not letting you read my book tonight. Mom is!”
Pfft. All the less work for me, kid.
“And you know what? I’m not gonna let you film me for your W8 Loss Wednesday videos anymore!”
Well… maybe my weight loss journey is in and of itself interesting. At least I still have the dogs.
“And I’m not opening any more beers for you!”
Dammit! Now that’s hitting below the belt!
Sure, If You Want to Get Technical…
I should just keep the TV on the Military Channel. It provides non-stop blog fodder. We’re watching Best Ranger 2007...
Fury: “Dad, what’s a Ranger?”
Me: “A Ranger is like a special forces army guy. More deadly than a regular soldier.”
Fury: “So like a commando?”
Me: “Yes! Like a commando!”
Fury: “Except they wear underwear?”
In case you did not understand this post: Going Commando
Pop Quiz
Q: How can you tell that you talk way too much about blogging?
A: Your 5-year-old does this while you’re playing Legos with him on a Sunday night:
“Hey dad, don’t look ok?”
[turns around and starts tinkering with pieces]
“Here you go!”
“Hahaha! What is that supposed to be, Fury!?”
“It’s Mr. Lady!”
Yes, folks, my son is down with one of the baddest mommy bloggers in the land, Mr. Lady of Whiskey in My Sippy Cup. You just can’t BUY that kind of juice.
The Road to Heaven Has a Hopping Lane
So d Wife and Fury had Good Friday off. The food court at the mall seemed a good a place as any to conduct some religious edumacation.
d Wife: So, Fury, do you know why today is Good Friday?
Fury: Why?
d Wife: Today is the day Jesus died. When God first made people, they were being bad and he wanted to blow them all up, but his son Jesus said wait, dad, let me go down to earth...
[5 more minutes of Sunday School stuff that I can never remember...]
d Wife: ... so then on the 3rd day, Jesus' disciples went to the cave to find his body and it wasn't there. So then they went back home and there he was preaching. And then later the angel came and picked him up and took him to heaven. So we celebrate Easter because that's the day Jesus rose from the dead and saved us from our sins.
Fury: Oh... so the first animal to go to heaven is the bunny??
My son. Keepin' it relevant.
HAPPY EASTER!
Carnage > V.D.
FutureWeapons is a very cool show on the Military Channel. Sunday's episode highlighted robotics and unmanned military vehicles. Educational, safe to watch, and we’re both engrossed in this interesting show.
A commercial break. I leave to check email.
The sound of TV commercials provides background drone. I pay no heed to the “ask your doctor” disclaimer piping in from the next room. Until Fury’s voice follows it up.
“Dad? What’s Herbies?”
Oh no.
“Daaad! What’s Herbies?”
Trying my best not to crack up. “Um. It’s... a disease.”
“What happens when you have Herbies?”
Failing miserably right now. Stifling a laugh in the crook of my elbow.
“How do you get Herbies?”
I have no answer. I’m laughing too hard.
“What’s so funny?”
“Something really funny is on my computer, Fury.”
“Lemme see!”
Commercial break ends. Back to robotic killing machines.
Saved by the bell.
I Would So Rock the Interview
Car rides are a good opportunity for me to educate my son. Today, I decided to talk about the risks of alcohol.
Me: So, Fury, you can't just drink whenever or wherever you want.
Fury: When can you drink?
Me: Well, you can drink when you're at home, or if you are having fun or relaxing. Like if you're not doing anything too important.
Fury: Why?
Me: Because when you drink, sometimes you can't pay as much attention to certain things. Like at work. They don't let you drink when you're at work. You know why?
Fury: Ya, you'll spill it.
This is going on my next Staples order.
Whatever Happened to "Girls Have Cooties"???
Passing by the Girl Scout Cookie stand outside the supermarket...
“Hey, Dad? Can we buy some Girl Scout Cookies on our way out?”
“Sure, Fury! You like them Girl Scout Cookies, eh?”
“No, I like those Girl Scouts.”
We just bought one box. So we could go back for more next weekend. Dad’s got your back, son.
Fun With Speling Tessts
His “never tap out” attitude may benefit him more in the long run than spelling “Address” anyway...
In some states, the judges would probably just give him this one...
Good Lookin' Out, Son
Marcus' Kindergarten teacher is explaining the rules to the class' upcoming Valentine's Day card exchange.
Marcus raises his hand.
"I don't think my mom and dad can afford 32 Valentine's cards."
Ok, it's time to stop griping about financials in front of the kid.
We are NOT experiencing technical difficulties
"Hey Dad, can you help me? I got lost."
"What do you mean lost?"
"I got lost from the Bionicle video you found me. Can you help me get it again?"
"Oh, yeah sure..."
I walk over to the computer, expecting that he'd simply clicked an ad, or lost the browser. Nope. Never underestimate a kid who was using a mouse long before he knew what a crayon was.
I Get Nooooo Respect
Marcus’ Lego Star Wars General Grievous Starfighter keeps coming apart. Frustration sets in. Dad to the rescue...
“Ok Fury, see, you’re playing too rough with it. You can’t crank the cockpit like that or else it’ll keep flying apart. I’m gonna show you how this is done so you won’t need me next time. So, these four pieces fit in here... groove-side down. Then, this goes into heeere... and then this snaps heeeere... and then...”
*Slip* *Crash* *Scatter* “Argh %*#@!”
“And then DROP it, Dad?”
LA (kid) Law
Who says kids aren’t legal-minded? This son of mine keeps surprising me with amusing applications of knowledge picked up from … I have no idea where. Anyway, here are some recent gems having to do with all things law and order.
* * * *
We drove by a police roadblock the other day being manned by two slightly older officers...
Marcus: Those guys are too old!
Me: Old?
Marcus: Yeah, they probably lost all their punching power.
Me: Punching power?
Marcus: For punching bad guys. And they probably can’t aim their guns anymore either.
Me: Hmm...
Marcus: They should just quit the police team.
Any dictators out there need a Minister of the Interior in training?
* * * *
As told to d Wife by Marcus’ Kindergarten teacher:
Some kids were playing a little bit too dangerously in the schoolyard, which invited a stern warning from the teacher in the form of “kids, stop jumping around or something bad will happen!” to which my son added:
“Yeah, like a lawsuit!”
* * * *
Me: Hey! There’s a flying ant on my arm
[Marcus squishes it]
Me: Eww. Now there’s brown gunk on my arm.
Marcus: Oops, sorry, Dad.
Me: It’s not your fault. It was his brown gunk.
Marcus: No… it’s my fault because I squished him.
Me: Hey, that was man of you!
Marcus: Well... he is a flying ant. He should have just flied away actually!
* * * *
For this year’s Christmas cards, I had Marcus draw a picture of anything he wanted on each card. He had just handed me a cool picture of a dune buggy thing.
Me: This is pretty cool, Fury. What do want to title this?
Marcus: um... 4-wheeler.
Me: Done.
Marcus: Don’t forget the TM
Me: Huh?
Marcus: So no one can copy it.
(Earlier that day, we were at Starbucks and he noticed on the signs that there was a TM symbol after the word Starbucks. I explained the concept of trademarking to him.)
Caffeine breeds inquisitiveness
(it’s hot chocolate, people… don’t get all up in arms.)
Hey, just because your name is Santa...
Me: Hey look! Santa ate some of the cookies and cake we left him!
Marcus: [Shakes head] Oh man...
Me: What?
Marcus: He didn't even put his plate in the sink!
I know a jolly bearded man who's getting coal next year
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!
A Very "What The...?" Christmas
The anticipation of Christmas from a kid’s eye view...
* * * *
Marcus: Dad? Can I get pre-Christmas presents?
Me: Pre-Christmas presents?? What?
Marcus: You know. So I can get the small toys out of the way.
Why dilute the true spirit of Christmas: opening the big ass toy.
* * * *
Marcus: Mom? Is Santa rich?
Mom: No, why?
Marcus: Then how can he afford all those toys??
Mom: He gets some made and the rest are donated.
Good comeback, Mom! I would have just said “credit.”
* * * *
Marcus: Is there such thing as green octopusses?
Mom: I don't think so...
Marcus: I believe there are green octopusses. I believe in a lot of things, like Santa.
Mom: You do?
Marcus: Yeah - even though the one who comes to our school Christmas show is just a guy with a beard.
Mom: How do you know that?
Marcus: Cuz his tummy is only this big. But Santa's is THIS big.
Kids today. So jaded.
* * * *
Marcus: I love Christmas shopping!
Me: You love it?
Marcus: Actually, I ultra-love it!
Me: Ultra love it? Why?
Marcus: Toys... He-llooo!
Geez, Dad. Get a clue. And a butt load of toys, please.
* * * *
Me: Cool Fury! What’s that?
Marcus: Santa’s spinning blades of doom!
And you thought they just got coal.