A Y Chromosome Runs Through It
Friday, March 13, 2009 Me and balls have never gotten along.
In little league, I made contact with the bat once. And what a beautiful foul ball it was! In youth soccer, I scored one goal. In practice. In middle school, my illustrious basketball career was cut short when a rebound hit my pinky at juuust the right angle to break it. Into a perfect right angle. And football? I must seem like the biggest jerk because I never pick up an errant football that has rolled my way at the park. But really it's because I don't want the 11 year-olds to laugh at me when I try to throw it back.
Luckily for me, I can throw a lightning jab-cross-hook combo and swing a shin through your neck. I found martial arts close to 20 years ago, and knowing how to throw down has saved me from the embarrassment of not knowing how to throw spirals. I thought the whole ball thing was behind me.
But I have a kid.
My dad told me long ago that the one responsibility of every parent is to make sure the next generation does better than its predecessor. Being a connoisseur of low-hanging fruit, the first mission I set for myself when Fury was born was to make sure that he embraced his balls, in every sense of the word. Especially the sports one.
So ever since Fury could pick up an object and run with it, we enrolled him in a mixed sports program. And because I never fancied myself one of those "sports dads" who gets into brawls at their kids' hockey games, I kind of prided myself in my humanistic approach to children's sports. Let them be kids, let them have fun.
And over the years he did have fun. However, we recently felt it was time to take it one step further. It was time to introduce him to organized team sports. To help him make the transition into something a little more structured than he was used to, I helped him choose a sport that seemed the most fun. We settled on lacrosse. You've got the constant hustle of soccer, the hand-eye coordination of baseball, the rough-and-tumble aspect of hockey or football, and you look like a Bionicle in full battle gear. A no brainer.
Two weekends ago we took him to his first practice. And it went well. He picked up the basics fairly easily and seemed engrossed in the game. Awesome. Visions of high school lacrosse team captain danced in my head (hey, I did bike racing in high school, before Lance Armstrong made it un-dorky. Let a guy dream.).
Last weekend, I went with Fury to his second practice. When they issued his pads and uniform, and he got all suited up, I was welling with pride. That's my boy right there! In his badass uniform, ready to kick ass and dominate the field.
They started by lining up for drills. Well, all of them except for Fury, who was busy playing Rock Band on his lacrosse stick. Then they did passing drills, which Fury could have easily picked up on -- had he not been wandering off to chase a flying bug.
"I'm not that dad."
He missed a pass that his coach tossed his way. He meandered his way like a Family Circus cartoon to fetch the ball.
"I'm not that dad."
When it was his turn to do a shooting drill, he was swordfighting.
"Fury!! Hustle!! What did your coach just tell you?"
Oh no I di'nt. I did not just say that out loud, did I?
I started pacing the sidelines, watching his every giggle, every misstep, every unfocused, fooling around, wasting-my-exorbitant-registration-fee moment. I was turning into every crazy sports dad who micro manages his kid's athletic life, and I hated it. I hated it even more that every other parent watching me seethe was a mom. Way to promote a stereotype, Jim. And how painfully ironic. Me, of all people.
Scariest thing? I saw what I was doing. And I could not stop. Once practice was over, I pulled Fury aside and said "I did not sign you up for lacrosse so you could fool around. If I don't see you listening to the coach when he's talking and focusing on what you're supposed to be doing, I'm pulling you out and returning all this stuff, you hear me?"
I seldom have moments where I really dislike myself. Call it arrogance, call it ignorance, call it confidence, call it what you will. But it hardly ever happens. I despised myself. But part of me felt justified in doing it. The kid is a couple months from turning 7. He can focus. He can pay attention. I know it. But sports is fun. And wielding a stick does lend itself to pretending it's a guitar...
When we got home, I was still feeling way unsettled. Lisa has a knack for pulling it together when I lose it. We sat down and had a talk with Fury. We made beyond a shadow of a doubt clear to him that this was not about performance. This was about focus. This was about effort. We want Fury to have heart. To give it his all. And then Lisa drove it all home with a Rocky-esque male heartstring-tugging example, bringing up my last kickboxing match (yay wife!) where I lost (ok, I see where you're going with this), and was completely dominated (um, I think Fury gets it), and owned (*sigh*) by a kid who was 16 years younger than I was (please get to the heart part before I run and hide) yet I kept moving forward (probably stupidity and punch-drunkenness, but for the sake of the example let's call it heart), and never gave up (coach would have killed me himself if I gave up, but no one has to know). Then we did our hugs and both of us felt a lot better.
I wish I had a conclusion to this post. I don't. We have practice tomorrow morning and I'm going to jog around the track while Fury practices so I don't watch him. I'm going to trust him, trust myself, trust the coach and let fate do its thing.
Damn balls.
(You know I can't leave anything on a serious note, so I present you a lighthearted highlight reel from Fury's first 2 practices.)
Reader Comments (48)
best opening line ever. (now I'll go back and read the rest of it.)
LOL DUDE. Brings back so many memories. Robj98168 was not the most sports oriented kid growing up either, Then at 11 I discovered the sport of kings- Bowling. You gotta love the smell of the lanes (all kids love the smell of stale beer and cigarettes). I played a little football, and I played a little soccer. I sucked at wrestling, and short little fat kids couldn't play basketball. So bowling it was, I koined a league and got fairly good. But of course there is no bowling in High School. How ever I lettered in track- as a manager.
Don't worry, you are not 'that Dad'. There's nothing wrong with letting Fury know that at practice he is there to listen to the coach and learn to play lacrosse. The same as at school that he is expected t pay attention to the teacher and focus on assignments. Going for a run and letting the coach handle things is a smart move.
And don't worry, maybe someday you'll learn how to play with those balls.
My husband is not that dad. BUT, I'm SO that mom.
Can't help myself. I coach high school softball. I swore I wouldn't coach my daughter b/c I hate parents who coach and ride their kids ass the whole time. Yeah, whatever. I coached t-ball already...and tried my hardest to make it fun. It's hard to stop yourself from scolding them when you know your child's potential to pay attention. It's really, really hard.
My boy played soccer. I can remember one GAME where I saw him picking up handfuls of white sand (used here in FL to fill in field divots) and scattering it across the grass. When we asked him after the game what he was doing he said he was 'sanctifying' the field with the 'salt' ~ white sand/salt same thing. He had been watching sumo wrestling the day before on a random sports show.
He did eventually gain enough skillz to pay attention during games and practice, but it was just another technique he had to learn, along with not toe booting the ball.
Enjoy the life of a 'sports' dad. The jog is a really good idea.
My baby goes into soccer next week. I am hoping for attention and participation. I guess we'll see what kind of dad comes out, but I really just want her to give it her best shot. I would say you were right to get upset and even more right to sit down with him later and talk to him about it. I hope today goes well. I've played sports my whole life and it is a tremendous amount of fun. It does take hard work and practice, but when it comes together in competition, it sure is a ton of fun.
Good luck Fury! If he stops playing, can I? I wanna play lacrosse!
I think it's a mixture of that kid being a reflection of us, and the fact that THAT CRAP IS NOT FREE!! Oh, and the whole effort/focus/do your best thing. Yeah. Um, that too.
Fury running away from you is the highlight of the vid.
Side note: The mountains in the background are awesome. We don't have that in flat Florida.
It wasn't my husband, it was me. I was THAT parent. My middle son sucked at every sport I put him in. He also would play the air guitar with whatever you would put in his hands and I would cringe. Today, he is in a touring band playing lead guitar. Nowadays, I cringe at the memory of how I use to act.
Honestly, I'm not a parent yet, but I swear to myself all the time that I'm not going to be "that parent", most of the time, it's at my 14 yo sister's softball games while I watch parents destroy their kids with words, and it tears me up. But I'm sure I will get frustrated, from time to time, when my future kids do what Fury did. However, I'm sure you know this, it's totally normal to do what Fury did. My sister used to build dandelion chains in the outfield during softball, and chase butterflies. Now she's the star pitcher for her middle school team, and she absolutely LOVES softball. So don't get discouraged. I think Fury will love it, after he gets into it more.
my boys wouldn't touch organized sports with a 10-foot pole. i had one who was the daisy-picker for a painful season of soccer and, my proudest moment, mr. wrong-way in t-ball.
after he "practice swung" about 100 times at the t, he connected ... and ran to third base.
please imagine how proud his father -- the sportswriter -- was.
yes. it's true.
Favorite part of the video? When you start smacking him around in his pads. Awesome.
You know what's weird? When my kid practices, he's like a super star. When he gets in the game, it's like he's never even SEEN a soccer ball in his life at times. For all you know, Fury is absorbing all these fundamentals and when he gets to actually compete, he'll whoop butt. Bottom line? The kid's got heart, just like his dad. I think it'll all end up ok and you'll be posting video of him checking some innocent kid soon enough.
My favorit part is when it did slooooow motion. Mybe me and my mom whold come to your house.
Hahaha. Sorry Jim. He just ran and told me that he left a comment after he was peeking over my shoulder watching the video. Ran off and used my dad's lappy to see it himself and apparently, figured out your comment form. Good thing this place is kid friendly... maybe a little too much. LOL
Who's monitoring this kids internet use??! I was wondering why he asked me how to spell favorite.... Guess your demographic just grew.
I am at my 12 yo daughter's softball tournament right now, so I am nodding and laughing 'cause I'm seeing it first hand this weekend. She says to me a couple times every year, "Mother, I am so glad you aren't one of THOSE PARENTS who yell at their kids from the side lines. That is so freakin' embarrassing!"
Now, I will admit, if she swings at a ball that comes sailing in above her eyeballs, I do yell her name. Lucky for her she is a beast and that doesn't happen very often!
I feel your pain in a different sort of way. As a kid I loved sports, even had a year or two in little league in which I was among the top five players.
Been coaching my son's soccer team for a few years now and have found numerous occasions when I wanted to shake him for chasing bugs or not playing.
Most of the time it is not a big deal and I just let it go. But every now and then I'll say something to him about it.
I think a lot of the problem with men watching their kids play sports is that it's not the fact that our kid is not paying attention, not playing well, etc., it's that we're so used to drinking beer while we watch sports. When we can't drink beer and watch sports, this leads to grief. Grief has several stages (five? eight? I'm really not sure. I'm a grants administrator, so my high school/college psychology is a little rusty). At least two of those stages are denial and anger-which you have described. One of the other stages is acceptance, but someone stupidly placed that stage at the end after all of the others, which could be upwards of five, eight, or ten.
Next time, bring a book.
See I think you were right in calling him out on that. If he is on a just for fun thing that is one thing but he is in a theoretically real team now and has to learn that comes with some responsibility. If you were screaming at him because he just wasn't that good while trying hard THEN you would be one of those parents. Either way that video is cute and funny and you rock =)!
You said balls.
I really like your wife. You're going to be just fine. Just stick to the track.
I think it's good that you own the fact that you could totally turn into THAT dad -- and that you're trying hard to avoid it.
But, honestly, all I could do was giggle at the coach sitting on the overturned container, pitching ball after ball that just WOULD keep going right through that hole in Fury's stick. Dude, get him a stick with a net that works. ;)
Hee, awesome. Nice slow mo! :D
Go fury go! Jim you suck. hahahah. Poor kid, just remember not to take the fun out of it :P He'll hate lacrosse before he even gets to milton! Slow mo excellent!!
*sniff!* he's got my grunt.
Hrmmm. Very odd the ball arm went to...your sister? I got the rest of that y chromosome you were supposed to get :( You may have your name on the head monitor board but mine's on the girls shotput/javalin/disc champ board! Let's see, I lettered in field hockey, volleyball and track/field then went on to play kayak polo. I gots more balls than you.
hmmmm. i think you need to come rough up my boys like you did Fury. Clearly, I'm doing something wrong since they are trying out for elementary school musicals and taking hip hop as their extracurriculars.
The Captain and I both played a season or two of organized sports as kids, but neither one of us is terribly athletic. I worry for my future children. I'll wind up with the math club kids.
painful. reminds me of my own blunders as a kid when playing with balls, which is why i stuck with wrestling.
I love your blog. My husband laughs at me because I am THAT mom. I can't help it.
I think you're being WAY too hard on yourself, Jim. You are just doing your job; helping your son focus on the task at hand to be the best he can be. You'd do the same if he was goofing off while doing homework. It takes an excellent father to help his child recognize their mistakes and re-direct them before they become habits. By every indication, you are an excellent father. Give yourself a break.
Now; if during the next practice you are running out on the field placing Fury in position and yelling every 2 seconds from the sidelines, then you may have cause to worry. Shouting encouragement from the sidelines doesn't make you "that Dad"; Screaming profanities, throwing things and beating up car-pooling Moms does. You haven't done that yet; have you?
bionicles are way cooler than playing lacrosse anyway. Why would you want to divert him from lego-based activities?
Dude, I think I may have the answer to your problem. The very first thing I said to myself when I saw the second practice vid was "There's only, like, one dude sitting on the bleachers watching. Where are the GIRLS?". I would have phoned it in too. I suggest hiring some female extras for the next one...he'll be all-pro. :)
I don't think you did anything wrong. I always tell my kids to do their best...and kicking dirt or doing cartwheels during practice is not their best.
I'm not saying I don't have to keep myself in check, because I do. Just a couple of hours ago at my daughter's softball practice, I told another mom how hard it is to watch my kids play sports. I want to go out there and do it for them--you know, the RIGHT way. But, I bite my tongue and give constructive critism later.
Another thing? In about three years you won't believe you ever wrote this post. Suddenly, he'll just get it. I remember last Fall going from my son's kindergarten soccer game to my daughter's 4th grade game and thinking that the girl's looked like Olympic atheletes compared to what I had witnessed with the six year olds.
I purposely did not read any of the other comments before writing this, so I wouldn't be swayed by what anyone else says. BUT: here is my experience with sports. 6-7 year old bloys playing t-ball: more than half are floating around like butterflies, another quarter of them are busy building grass huts in the outfield, and the quarter that actually play the game with focus are the kids whose dads do what you did-and they either go home and cry or they beat the shit out of their teammates for missing a throw, and they are seven. 7. Thse kids do NOT have what it takes to focus on a game the way adults think they should, and I can almost guarantee you that unless Fury falls in love with the game AND excells at it, he isn't going to want to play next year, and he may take up ceramics instead. LET him Be a Kid. Just sayin.'
This is a great point. It's about focus, not about performance. That is a VERY important dividing line that so many parents miss, but it makes all the difference to the child. They know what you're about: it comes through. You're doing great - and I can learn from this.
We have our 5 year old son enrolled in recreational league sports so far. No score keeping, so stats, no wins, no losses. Takes a lot of the pressure off. I've been coaching his soccer teams and baseball teams since he was three, just old enough to play.
I make it clear to all the kids (and the parents) for our teams it's about having fun, making new friends, being good sports, getting lots of exercise and if we learn some skills along the way, great.
I honestly don't know if I'll continue to coach if he moves out of rec league into competitive leagues. Not sure I want to deal with the added issues.
But there's a big gap between 5 and 7, so I don't know how driven I'd be about the boy's focus at that age.
Hang in there. Just my thoughts, but let him enjoy it however he can, as long as what he's doing isn't interfering with anyone else's ability to practice or play (and that's up to the coach to determine). He might surprise you. The switch just might flip for him one day. He'll just decide that day that he's really gonna play and you'll find out he's absorbed much more than you thought. I've seen it happen with lots of kids.
Oh my ass, you crack me up. We must share stories sometime over many drinks. Though I don't have many stories as I seem to have raised geeks, not jocks. I think I could have bought a few computers with what we spent on various sports gear that were used for maybe a couple practices before they decided it wasn't for them.
You're a great dad.
That's all I have to say :)
As much as I laughed while reading this post, I laughed even harder reading your sister's reaction to it...Auntie Mei, you ROCK!!
Fury looked like he was having fun which is the most important thing...you're both going to be fine. And if not, your sister will come and set you straight!
Oh I have seen this all before. Hubs lost his mind when we signed our then 7 year old up for coaches pitch baseball. He would play third base and chat up the players as they waited for someone to hit them home or see how much dirt he could kick into a pile while waiting for the inning to end. Needless to say there was LOTS of seething!
This was such a great post I loved every feeling you had they are so normal it's what you do in the future that will shape your son's experiences in sports..and I'm guessing you'll be a wonderful father of a great kid who gets to enjoy the game if they win or loose...because as you said about me..family is everything and gratefully we know it..
hugs Dorothy from grammology
www.grammology.com
I'm so with you on this. I don't need my kid to be the superstar but danm it I really want her to pay attention!
Oh and I so want my Emma to play lacrosse, I think she would be a freakin' rockstar, but apparently Texas isn't with the program on that sport. So I guess she can just try out to be the kicker on the FOOTBALL team.
I too promised not to be "that" mother. The one thing I have followed through with so far is the agreement me and hubs have; I will not rush the field if a boy gets hurt during play. That is for the coach and daddy. Oh course, no one has been hurt yet; the jury is still out. Fury is BADASS!
I feel your pain about not being "that" dad. My whole childhood I played soccer year round and was pretty darn good too.
My daughter started playing when she was 4 and pretty much spent time picking dandelions or running with the pack, then not realizing the pack changed directions. Ugh.
Hard for me to sit there and not say anything. But this is why I declined her requests for me to coach her team. I would have an aneurysm. Coaching her floor hockey team is stressful enough, but seeing as how I suck at hockey, I really can't hold anyone up to too high of a standard.
Speaking of which, oh look. Soccer starts in 2 weeks. (sigh)
You should have him play PING PONG.. that's what we were made to do JIM!
Funny, I'm on a bit of a health kick at the minute at the same time as trying to teach Jakey how to play football. Now, I'm as unhealthy as they come, so the football thing is killing me. All the same, even though my football skills are rubbish, I can still hold my own against a 5 year old!
"Does that hurt.... does that hurt....". Jim, you're a wonderful Dad, don't beat yourself up over it. It's in our blood, the overachieving thing, unfortunately, as is ping pong as Angie suggested, and potentially badminton (sorry....). No one ever said parenting is easy.
It's great that Fury is at least trying; and that you're exposing him to sports. It's up to him to figure out if he likes it or not, and at this age, it's still pretty tough to call. I spent last soccer season with the just turned 4 year old G on the sidelines at each game. She wouldn't even get on the field to compare nailpolishes with the other girls . Sigh.
"Me and balls have never gotten along." - Can I please tell you how many times I had to re-read that line?
I think you and Lisa did a great job relaying the message to Fury with your example.
It does kinda look like a guitar though :)
LOL at you checking him in his padding.
Great post. I'm so not looking forward to "sports." I won't be a coaching dad, simply because I don't know jack about any of it. But if the boy wants to play football, I guess I'll have to learn... *please don't let it be football*
Here's hoping the kid loves to skateboard like his old man. :)
Great post here bro. I feel you. I have 2 girls. On one hand I am happy I don't have that feeling of being "that dad" with a son. But both girls play soccer and I coach them. So, I have had that same moment in the car on the way home where I state, "if you don't do this and this...." well, I hate myself for it but I can't stop either.
Im impressed. Glad I ran across your blog. Nice to know someone else out there has the same thoughts and feelings.