Amazing! Kale! Recipes! Wow!

I got my hands on some kale. So I did what any self-respecting blogger would do: I fancied myself a food expert and created THE MOST AMAZING KALE RECIPES THAT WILL NOM YOUR MOTHERNOMMING MIND! I better see these on Pinterest sometime. That's all I'm saying. Enjoy:

THE KAELSTROM

What do you get when you combine Kale with the two most popular food ingredients of our time? The unholy trinity of the culinary world. The perfect storm. The opposite of stock art. 

Start with some beautiful kale. I actually have no idea what constitutes beautiful kale, since it all just looks like a used cold cut platter to me.

Add your pop culture cred multiplier.

Some "foodie juice"...

Blend artisanally.

Ponder the life choices you made up until this moment.

If you think that's crazy, let's talk about something really crazy: texting and driving. Did you know it causes 200,000 vehicle crashes a year? Suddenly, that "LOL" doesn't seem that important to transmit right this second now, does it? Don't you wish there were an easy way to help you resist the urge to search for a 3mm x 2mm key while barreling down the road strapped to a 3,000 lb metal object, aside from the fact that you are barreling down the road strapped to a 3,000 lb metal object? Before we answer that, I have more culinary inspiration to drop. 

SHISH KALEBOBS

I will pretty much eat anything on a stick. Even kale, theoretically. So LET'S IMPALE SOME KALE!

ShishKalebob.JPG

To ensure even cooking, liberally brush some olive oil, balsamic vinegar and herbs onto the leaves. Actually, any household accelerant will do. 

Place on the grill and make sure to get a good sear. 

When the Shish Kalebob reaches a nice ash consistency, throw some burgers on the grill and pat yourself on the back. You rid the world of that much more kale. 

While you're ridding the world of kale, why not rid yourself of texting and driving? Remember that I said there was an easy way to resist the urge to text and drive? I wasn't kidding. It's called DriveMode by AT&T, and now it's available on both Droid and iOS for free. What does it do? First, it takes the temptation to respond out of the equation, by silencing text message alerts and even auto-replying for you. The app even turns on and off depending on if your vehicle is moving. The best part is that DriveMode can track your kids' usage of it (assuming they drive. If they don't, then I guess you can use it to prevent running really fast and texting). In other words, you'll be alerted if they turn it off. If only they had a similar app for bike helmets. If you do happen to catch your kids turning DriveMode off, I'm all about the consequences. And that comes in the form of my next recipe.

CHOCKALE CHIP COOKIES

The "Choc" merely stands for chock full o' fibery goodness. There's no chocolate in this. In fact, there is no joy in this cookie at all. Because it starts and ends with kale.

Make or buy some cookie dough. It really doesn't matter because here comes the kale. POW!

Form into little balls and place them about two inches apart on a baking sheet.

Bake per whatever feels right. The important part is that you garnish this culinary delight with kale, because it actually is a great garnish. Step back and savor the meta of it all. 

Wait for the children to do something wrong, and punish accordingly.

Just like the mad rush to shove kale into every conceivable dish possible, that text you have to send while in the car -- IT CAN WAIT. I wish there were a website that allowed you to take a pledge to not use kale ridiculously, but we're simply not that lucky. There is, however, a site where you can pledge not to text and drive. I encourage you all to take the pledge

And just for the record, I was not paid for this post. I was, however, given an iPhone to not text and drive with (complete with the DriveMode app). I've used it a few months, and I admit, it has been difficult. I am a red light texter. But I also believe that there are other things one can occupy himself with while driving.