Total Recall

Consumer Product Safety Commission Recalls Toys. All of Them.

WASHINGTON , Nov. 1 – Following the recent increase in toy and children’s product recalls stemming from lead-based paint, choking hazards and “those damn Chinese,” the US Consumer Product Safety Commission issued today a recall of every toy ever made.

“We figured parents have better things to do with their day than to catalog every toy in the playroom and perform a match query against all the serial numbers we provide,” the agency said. “By simply recalling every toy ever made, we’re sending a message to parents that we care about their children’s safety, but recognize that they need to make dinner.”

ToyRecallMarcus.jpg This “clean slate” recall is being touted by industry analysts as a move in the right direction. Similar strategies are being considered for the furniture and pharmaceutical industries to protect consumers from their growing tendency to not read instructions.

To help parents and their children adjust to the impact of this latest recall, the agency recommends playing outside. “So far, our research has indicated that carbon based life forms, such as insects, pets and friends do not pose any significant health risks.”

This recall does not come without controversy. Lobbying groups are already ramping up efforts to organize a concerted anti-recall campaign.

“I’ve got thousands of elves on my payroll with highly specialized skills. It’s not like they can just pick up and do tech support,” argues a visibly frustrated Mr. Claus, co-chairman of the North Pole Council on Commerce & Industry. “What ... they gotta raise hamsters now? You and I both know that rodents don’t travel well in sacks, nor do they do so well in the cold. The last thing I need is [expletive] PETA on my ass.”

(For real news on the latest recalls concerning all things parental, check out FreshDad – he sifts through all that junk and wraps it up nicely for us, minus the pretty bow. Meta-Dad also jumps into the recall/alert fray from time to time.)