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Lists, Reflections
Lists, Reflections Monday
29Oct
Crossing Over
Monday, October 29, 2007 How do you define a parent? Of course, there’s the biological way, but if our celebrity counterparts have taught us anything this year, a 40 lb. DNA match and Bugaboo stroller a true parent does not make. No, to be a real parent you need to get into character a tad more (ironic isn’t it?). How do you know when you’ve successfully crossed over and truly embraced the biggest role of your life? Here’s my list:
- You don’t know what you’d do if they never invented the phrase “we’ll see.” -- Who is the genius who thought of this? He or she should get a posthumous Nobel Peace Prize. It’s the platinum card of our parental phrase arsenal. Why? Because it allows you to defer the “no” (and the whining) to a later, more convenient time or locale. When a request is made, the answer “we’ll see” is a win-win. The child holds onto the hope that this request may still be granted, and therefore withholds all protest. The parent buys extra time, during which the child may forget about the request altogether, or you’ve made it home, where whining can be sufficiently contained.
- Your currency reference shifts to Bionicle (or other) toys – In my younger days, the CD served as my go-to currency reference. “What? 60 bucks for this shirt? I could buy like 4 CDs with that!” As I got older, it became rounds – “Aw man! I could’ve bought at least 5 rounds with that. I’m never playing blackjack again!” Now that my transformation is complete, my money bitching resembles something more like this: “What? $3.30 a gallon? That’s like 1/3 of a Bionicle!”
How the 'New Rich' Live
- Your criteria for what determines a good restaurant changes—it used to be “oh, they have a great Chilean Seabass, I’ll make a reservation.” (Chaya… *sigh*). Now it’s “they give you a new box of crayons and you can draw on the table! We’re there!” (Macaroni Grill) or “They have big booths so Marcus won’t bother people. It is decided.” (Outback).
- You shake your head and mutter “punks…” as you walk by Emo kids loitering in Old Town Pasadena – oh, sorry, that was for my “How to Tell if You’ve Become a Grumpy Old Dude” list.
- You know what this week’s happy meal toy is (for those of you playing at home, it’s Bee Movie toys).
- When you make your dinner selection at a restaurant, you think about how it pairs with what your kid ordered because you know you’ll be stuck eating half of it. Hmm… should I go with the Steak au Poivre and Chicken Fun Fingers? Oh you’re ordering the Git Along Little Hot Doggies? Maybe the Cedar Plank Salmon might be a more appropriate complement.
- You not only know what channel Noggin, Playhouse Disney and Cartoon Network are on, you can punch those numbers on the remote by feel without lifting your head off the pillow on a Saturday morning.
- You get Wiggles tunes stuck in your head during meetings at work (Bowwow! Bowwow! Bow wow wow wow, do you give a cow a bone? No! Give a horse a bone? No! Everybody knows you give a dog a bone!").
Get thee out of my head Greg Wiggle!!
- The first thing you do at the supermarket or Best Buy is make a mad dash to the shopping cart area to snag a racing car (why do they only have five? That’s just mean).
- Your child becomes your new social litmus test. You dislike people you’d otherwise be ok with because they don’t adore your kid; you like people you otherwise might not get along with because they love your kid (there must be something right with them).
- When you’re crossing the street with your friends, you reflexively extend your arm out in front of them when a car passes by.
- You’ve become really good at cutting fruit.
- You get sympathy anxiety for complete strangers when you see their kid throwing a tantrum at Target.
- The new “best feeling in the world”: after you’ve successfully put your kid to bed.
I’m sure there are a lot more, but my train stop is coming up. I’m sure I missed a whole bunch. Feel free to comment on this post and add your own. I’d love to see them! What makes you think yes, I have truly crossed over?
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Reader Comments (17)
This is hilarious! So true too! Wait, maybe that makes it sad...
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[BusyDad] It is indeed a sad, hilarious existence that we lead as parents ... Makes for great blogging material though doesn't it?
This is good stuff! While I can't stomach the Wiggles I do find Moose (Noggin) songs popping into my head all the time.."I don't like candy corn.."
A defining cross over moment for me was when I spent more time researching a PC keyboard for especially small hands than I did on my last MP3 player.
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[BusyDad] Moose and Z totally rock! I tried to fight it, but I have to admit the Wiggles write some friggin catchy tunes.
I detest Pokemon and the like, but I did get sucked into the "Ben 10" cartoons, and I actually enjoy them. For now, the older 8 year old's cartoons are the ones I am subjected to, but I also have a new 1 month old so I'm sure I'll get the Wiggles tunes stuck in my head eventually.
Defining moment - Hmmm... I'll have to say when I grew eyes in the back of my head. My kids still have not figured out that I use every reflective surface at my disposal(i.e. Rear view mirror, side mirror, mom's sunglasses, a passing car's window, the windshield, etc.) as a way to know what is going on in the back seat. I've got a pretty good record of correctly identifying victim vs agressor during back seat arguments and scuffles. The ears have gotten their own "Spidey Senses" too.
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[BusyDad] I love Ben 10. We've been fans since day 1! In fact, when we went on vacation to the Philippines last year to visit my wife's family, the toy stores there were carrying Ben 10 merchandise already (it was about 3 months away in the US). We hoarded ALL the toys we could find. It was like Xmas in June!
Funny, impromptu monitoring devices sounds very dad-like indeed!
So I'm not a parent, but since you mention these things I think I've crossed into Aunt-dom! I mean, as a single chick, why should I know transformer and bionicle names, or have wiggles tunes and "vee eye eye...eye ex..." stuck in my head?! I'm at the beach with my friends muttering "runningupasandhill runningupasandhill....!!"
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[YourBrother] First it was me skewing your taste in pop culture, now it's my son. You will never escape my sphere of influence.
lmao. Oh thank you thank you for this list. lol. You've just put a smile on my face at the end of an otherwise pretty crappy day. :)
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[BusyDad] ... and that is why I find blogging so rewarding! This comment made my day.
*wiping tears from my eyes*
- When the person who used to keep a spare suit and blouse in her office, becomes a mother who is okay -- no, wait, doesn't question! -- leaving the house with "poop juice" on your jeans. No, better yet, at 9pm, you look down and realize you are still wearing said jeans and wonder if you can still get one more day out of them. (Mantra: "I used to have a career. I used to have a life." Repeat after me.)
- When you know that there is silence (ahhh... blissful, the child is asleep or out of the house with anyone but you) and there is SILENCE (what the f*ck is going on now?)
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[BusyDad] Poop! How could I forget poop? Funny ones and so true. As long as my wife doesn't see, a few poop stains on a few items of clothing are permissible! Hey, it's your flesh and blood right?
Hee Hee...those are all good. Here's one for you:
"When you can change a poopy diaper in the trunk of a car with the left over napkins from Wendy's and use the last eight drops in a discarded water bottle from the back seat. Without getting poop on your hands."
I think I crossed over on that day.
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[BusyDad] No, that was the day you turned PRO! There's something biblical about using the last eight drops of water on a poopy child. Hilarious!
haha! I feel you! We only go to restaurants in off times now, and I ask for the biggest booth possible! It doesn't matter how big it is though, my youngest will still occupy all of my personal space. Oh, and forget about personal space it doesn't exist...and going to the bathroom in private? Forget about it!
I have become the Milk Nazi too. It's almost $4 a gal! Precious dairy commodities bilking society for the sake of "nutrition"...it's a racket!
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[BusyDad] You are so right about personal space! We have this (futile) rule called "Don't lean on dad when he's trying to eat." Each week I need to make a conscious decision: milk or gas... milk or gas? Good ones! keep em coming!
Dude, get with the program, every parent knows Greg Wiggle had to step down from his baby The Wiggles due to some kind of weird medical issue that makes him dizzy but is not life threatening. I'm just yankin' your chain.
He did step down but I have the song "Fruit Salad, Yummy, Yummy" running through my head just seeing a picture of them.
I employ "We'll see A. LOT. One day my 7-year-old said to my 4-year-old (after I said "We'll see") "That means yes when Mommy says 'We'll see.'"
Clearly she has not caught on yet. Thank God.
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[BusyDad] I just can't accept the new Wiggle. Call me a loyalist. It just ain't the same. Talk about odd Wiggles, my mom on a recent trip to Taiwan brought home a copy of the Chinese Wiggles (she knew we'd get a kick out of it)-- talk about weird. They have the same colors, but they are named Carlos, Danny and I forgot the rest, but they sing real Wiggles songs in Chinese. And the red Wiggle is a girl. Maybe I'll post a snippet of the DVD sometime. It's odd...
Yup - we'll see has a nice ring to it. It almost DOES sound like a yes. But if you look at the stats, it mostly means no. Amazing, the power of that phrase.
Ah, thank you for a much-needed laugh today!! I think I crossed over into motherhood the day I stuck a suppository into my infant son's rear end and then stood there with a diaper waiting to catch the poop. Ug. Oh, and then I called my husband to tell him how that worked. Great post.
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[BusyDad] Thanks for visiting Karen! Love makes us really brave, doesn't it? I cringed when I read that, but you know I'd do the same thing! Instinct is a mo!
Excellent stuff.
Gave me a good chuckle and is also ever so slightly moving... oh great, I'm going all hormonal again.
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[BusyDad] Xbox - don't go hormonal on me. please. I need your sarcastic wit around here.
Man, you are talented. I was LOLing at the entire list although #6 was my favorite. Great post!
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[BusyDad] Thanks Joe! I had a lot of fun writing this one. As I noticed from the comments I got, though, I missed all the poop ones!! And there are many...
Excellent stuff.
Gave me a good chuckle and is also ever so slightly moving... oh great, I'm going all hormonal again.
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[BusyDad] Xbox - don't go hormonal on me. please. I need your sarcastic wit around here.
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I WAS being sarcastic ;-)
..maybe...
When I say "We'll see.." my oldest two say, "Aw man, that probably means no." My youngest two still haven't gotten it. And none of those things means you've stepped over into parenthood. It is the moment you get onto your kids for something you did as a kid and thought it totally acceptable. Or when your kid is old enough to know you're not their best friend but thinks of you as one. That's when you know you've arrived! Take it from a mother of four children ranging in age from (almost) 15, (almost) 12, 5 and 2. :) Blessings to you.
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[BusyDad] Thanks Shalene! Four children... my head would be spinning! It's so true -- when you do something that your parents did and think "ah, now I know why they said that," you now play for the other side.
Thanks for the laugh. The first time I realized I was a parent, instead of just a full-time babysitter who'd done the pregnancy thing, was when I closed the nursery door with my foot (pulling the door towards myself!) while carrying and bottle-feeding both my 19-pound twins simultaneously.
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[BusyDad] Yes! A feat indeed. I like to refer to it as superhero strength and coordination. A must for parents. My superpower? Being able to shoulder ride my kid for hours on end across all terrain.
OMG, what a great dad and fantastic blogger you are. Found you at the Buzz.
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[BusyDad] Thank you for that awesome compliment! Big smile!
"When you’re crossing the street with your friends, you reflexively extend your arm out in front of them when a car passes by."
hmm my husband has been doing that since we got married... so either I'm very kiddish (which is the most likely option) or he is a shoe-in for this daddy thing. Which by the way will finally hit him in it's full force starting this friday.
Honestly? I can't wait to watch it go down. I'll probably even sit back with some popcorn. MWAHAHAHAHAH
*ahem* Yes, great post. Glad you rehashed it.
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[BusyDad] Thanks for breathing new comment life into this post! Looks like your hubby is genetically predisposed to fatherhood then! Lucky you!