Hitting below the sash

The above picture represents a typical car ride on my days with the kids. I pick them up from school, and we crawl through rush hour traffic for an hour to my house. Fury is out cold. Growth spurts and tween malaise, they knock you out. Lessi usually spends the hour singing "Let It Go" in the back seat and/or asking me questions that make less sense as the hour wears on. Or, she does like the above and gets cranky about something. 

The other day, it was her sock. It was a little too big. So she took it off and dropped it on the floor. She asked me to pick it up, so I fished my hand behind the seat to do so, and promptly handed it back to her, at which point she dropped it again, so I fished my hand behind the seat again, and promptly handed it to her, at which point she dropped it ag---- hey!! 

I refused to give in to her demands. Cue tantrum. Not sure if you know this about me, but I am tantrum proof. I can smile through any little person's crying and yelling. Cue plan B: dada button pushing.

"I don't like the freeway!"

I chuckle.

"I don't like being four! I want to be three again!" 

I admire her for really thinking these through.

"I don't like Krispy Kreme!"

Smart - rebuking our special treat. Cute.

"DADA! BRUCE LEE IS A BAD GUY!"

I think this counts as her first TKO victory.

Do not oreo shake your baby

As parents, we often make mistakes. And while those of us who make them must bear the unfortunate consequences of our actions, we can at least share them with the collective parenting community in the hopes that our experiences serve to prevent others from doing the same.

Babies shouldn't have shakes. They are full of empty calories, sugar and fat - especially the delicious Oreo ones from Sonic. However, when babies are strapped to a baby seat while the rest of the family enjoys the spoils of a trip to Sonic, they tend to take issue with conventional wisdom.

Wholeheartedly.

No one likes to see their baby suffer. "OK, one sip."

Hear that creaking noise? That's a gateway being opened. Or a box, upon which the name Pandora is scribbled.

The baby approves. But a Sonic shake has finite properties. The baby does not accept this scientific premise. The parent is left with no recourse but to document this lesson on his camera phone.

... that is until d Wife says "enough of these shenanigans."

One cranky baby and empty cup later, the other parent mutters "good thing I have a blog."

It's not whether you win or lose...

I got a phone call at work on Friday afternoon.

"Dad, I have a cut on my eye."

"What happened?"

"I was at the park and I found a stick. Some kids wanted the stick and they tried to take it from me. So I waved it at them to scare them away and I scratched one of them. Then one of them threw a pine cone and hit me in the eye. And I'm mad."

"Well of course you're mad! They threw a pine cone at your eye!"

"No, I'm mad because it's spring break and I won't be able to show it off to all my friends!"

Son, I'm on it. Internet, do your thing.

Dude, You’ll Get So Much, um…

I park the car and get out. As I close my door, I notice Fury hesitate as he opens his. There is a stray cat greeting him, which freaks him out a little. Fury closes his door, shuffles across the seat, and gets out through the other side. As we make our way down the sidewalk, a conversation ensues.

“That cat probably liked the smell of my Axe.”

“Your what?? Did you just say your ass?”

“No. Axe.”

“Axe?? Like the body spray?”

“Yeah, my Axe underarm deodorant.”

“How did you get Axe underarm deodorant?”

“From Tyler at daycare.”

“How old is Tyler?”

“He’s eleven.”

“Well, you don’t need to borrow his Axe. You don’t need underarm deodorant. Yet.” 

And I do not need to explain to my son all the connotations for cat synonyms. Yet.

Some Duncehat Stole My Credit Card and All I Got Was This Stupid Blog Post

I received an email last night from Bank of America asking me to verify some unusual activity on my debit card. Seeing as someone stole my ATM PIN number and wiped out my entire account 10 years ago, I wasted no time calling the fraud hotline.

"Thank you for calling, Mr. Lin. Did you recently make a purchase on Stamps.com?"

Stamps.com. Really?

You risked jail time to steal my private info. You succeeded. And instead of cashing in your chips by dialing "Starlight Entertainment Restaurant Group" for a "date with Candy and Misty" the best joyride your dumb ass could come up with was sending your Christmas cards out for free?

"Thank you Mr. Lin. What about a recent purchase at iTunes?"

Slow it down, dude. You really should have stopped after the new Cadillac and mink coat. Buying digital music is the kind of cocky that will bring you down.

"Ok Mr. Lin, we've noted this on your account. Please check your online statement in the next day or so to flag any other pending transactions that may be fraudulent."

I did. And I pity the fool. Not in a Mr. T way - more in a wet kitten at the city pound kind of way.

3 charges. $30 bucks each. Membership fees for 3 "Make Money From Home" websites. I'll double or nothing the $90 he tried to steal on the fact that this piece of paper is sitting on his kitchen table:

I feel honored to be helping this guy narrow down his options. If they ever catch him, I want to buy him a Newcastle. It's the least I could do.

I Swear

Alot. But never in front of my mom and oddly enough, my sister. And if you are perceptive, never on this blog. My kid can read. So when Maria asked if I would guest post on her blog, I said F%^& yeah!! Because Maria's blog is no-holds-barred. It is raw, it is real and F-bombs fly like Cheerios across a kitchen floor. If you like the Bob Sagat version of me, please don't click over (Mom and relatives, I'm talking to you). I took this opportunity to swear my ass bum bum off. In fact, the entire post is centered around every bad word I can't say here. It is done in the name of fun though (I suck at angry posts, so I don't ever do them).

What's it about? Basically what I would have titled have my posts if I swore on this blog. And some other fun stuff thrown in. Because I don't want to whore up Maria's blog with links to mine, here are the posts referenced in that post. But first, click over to my guest post so you know what I'm talking about.

Referenced Posts:

Knocking Out My Demons

(Toy) Breaking News

Homies on a Train

Darwin Would Be Proud

Giving It The Old Jamaican Bobsled Try...

In Other News, Vol. 1-4 (this one's just 4)

If Fury Wants to Hang Out, Dial 9-1-1

Always Late

I Must Really Like You Guys

Rollin' on tha Eastside... the Far Eastside

Do Parent Bloggers Exploit Their Children For Personal Gain? Yoouuu Betcha!!

Yo Mama Reads Alltop!

ARRRRRGH!

10 Hours

Not Your Father's "Dad"

Like Studio 54 for Tots

The following post has been sponsored by the BusyDad in 09 Calendar Coalition. With less than 2 voting days remaining, I'm still in the race.  Thanks to all who voted for me, and mega thanks to those who have campaigned for me on their own blogs. The latest pimpage comes from a couple of bloggers whom I did not even know prior to the contest. Crazy cool, that. They deserve to be outed here:

Lisa from Sunny Spring Bliss explains why she thinks I should be one of the lucky 12. She's quite the foodie, which means she obviously has good taste.

Burn from Burned, Broken, But Still Awesome posted quite a compelling call to action on his blog. He thinks humor and an unspecified je ne sais quoi make me hot. Ain't nothing wrong with that. I'll be the first to admit that I get way more attention from boys than girls. 

And of course, there's one more campaign ad:

If that doesn't win your vote, I have nothing left.

* * * * *

And now back to our scheduled programming...

A few months ago, Fury and I attended the birthday party of d Wife's favorite kid in the world besides Fury. Remember this kid from our Disneyworld trip? His name is Jack. I don't think anyone will ever forget that party. It wasn't the fact that they rented out a cool children's museum. It wasn't that fact that the food was superb (tenderloin at a birthday party?). It wasn't even the fact that the caterers snuck Newcastle into the facility just for me.

It was the trough. Filled to the rim. With sugar.

I got your Bouncing Powder right here.

Remember that last scene from Scarface?

Is that pure Jamaican laced with Cinnamon? Move over, kiddos!

Still Reeling

I still can't believe I made it to the Blogher conference (ok, so I just went to the party...). Did I really get to meet these "blog friends" of mine in person? People whom I've viewed as both celebrities (after all, I do stalk them on a regular basis) and as friends? If my camera serves me correctly, I did. But my brain isn't as quick on the detox these days (you know, I'm literally getting older by the day! As in tomorrow, I will be ... anyone? anyone? Happy Birthday to... anyone? anyone?  On July 22, 1972 this really cool busy dude was born... anyone? anyone?).

So in everyone's best interest, I will take a little breather and do some rehashing. I've been meaning to do a "Best of" list on my sidebar for a while and this weekend showed me how useful something like this can be. If all you can muster is "er... um... *hic*" when a new acquaintance asks the question "what posts should I read?" You need to do one of two things: lay off the cocktails, or have a list.

Here's a list:

If Jeopardy Were Written by Parents

(Toy) Breaking News

What Ever Happened to "Girls Have Cooties"??

Knocking Out My Demons

Homies on a Train

Iron Chef Fury

Such Sweet Sorrow

Darwin Would Be Proud

Crossing Over

Respeqt my Intelleqt, Qid!


A few parting words...

To my mom blogger friends: you are all as brilliant, witty, hawt, nice and real (as in "keeps it..") as your blogs say you are. No "MySpace" effect there at all. 

To my sister (Auntie Mei): thanks for mobilizing all your resources to take care of Fury for a couple days at the last minute. Best birthday present ever.

To d Wife: thank you for letting me go up to San Fran to meet these "blogging people" when I was supposed to be taking care of Fury while you're at your tradeshow. Put an "est" at the end of all the descriptions above, and that is you.

Damn These Newfangled Phones

I'm a dial-and-talk kinda guy. I probably have all sorts of cool functions in this phone that I'm paying for and not using. And I swear I saw a "popcorn" button the other day. But will somebody please show me how to retrieve this? My neck's feeling a little stiff today...

massage%20saved.jpg 

[Editor's note: you all crack me up. I'm not THAT inept. Read the screen on my phone carefully, making sure to read all the letters...]  

A Postcard From China

Postcard.jpg 

Dear Friends, Wish you were here. Fifty cent beer. ‘nuff said. Some quick tidbits from my 2-week China business trip so far…

  •  Crosswalks exist for decorative purposes only.
  •  Busses are harder to dodge than they look.
  • National pastimes: ping-pong and hocking loogies.
  • If you have a shaved head, people stare at you.
  • In China, only inmates have shaved heads.
  • Inmates speaking English are a novelty here, apparently.
  • One of my Chinese colleagues joked: wouldn’t it be funny if you also had tattoos?
  • He finds it hard to believe I am a VP. And have never done time.
  • Don’t ever order coffee here.
  • Unless you like your Irish Coffee without whiskey. And with whipped cream and lemon rinds.
  • Harbin is the brewing capital of China. “Harbin” brand beer is the Bud of China. Literally. Budweiser just bought them.
  • Harbin is also the sausage capital of China. They make a mean kielbasa (we’re just over the Russian border).
  • Does that make Harbin the Milwaukee of China? Or chronologically speaking, does that make Milwaukee the Harbin of the US?
  • Fifty cent beer + brewing capital of China = BD can forgive the lack of coffee.
  • Part of the above is because BD found the Starbucks coffee beans that he thought someone had stolen out of his luggage.
  • Ever see a Chinese restaurant with its own on-site brewery? Awesome.
  • The English sign on the vats says “homemade beer.” Cute.
  • My ability to speak Chinese miraculously returns when I drink.
  • Chinese people’s ability to understand Chinese mysteriously disappears when I drink.
  • The food in China is incredible. But I cried hallelujah when I found a McDonalds.
  • I appreciate how pristine the air is in Los Angeles.
  • Have you ever had to chew your air?
  • Everything Fury knows about China, he learned from Mulan.
  • Which is probably why when I Skyped with him this morning, he asked “Did the Huns get you yet?” 
Well that Great Wall seems to be doing its job. I haven’t been abducted by barbarians and every one of the billion+ citizens here is safe from the subversive propaganda of the Busy Dad Blog and Stark Raving Dads. I’m probably the only person in the world who has to post to his blog via messenger. Pigeon.

Just a Quick Heads Up

If you plan on seeing Kung Fu Panda anytime soon, you and your family might enjoy it immensely.
And you might get that song stuck in your head the next morning.
In which case you might want to be vigilant of the following possible scenario:

     You: Everybody was Kung-Fu fight-iiing. Those cats wer--

     *WHUMP* oooof!

     Your Kid (admiring his new gut punch technique): …fast as lightning!

This has been a public service announcement brought to you by your friendly neighborhood BusyDad.  All the way from China.

Sometimes...

...it's scary how much he just gets it.

[Behind a painfully slow driver on a one lane street]
Me: Duuuude!! Why go gotta be driving SO SLOW!!   
Fury:  Dad, why don't you throw something at him. There's no police around.

... it's scary how much he just doesn't get it. 

 [Getting ice cubes to munch on after playing with the dogs]
Me: Your hands are dirty. Make sure they're clean before you grab this ice.
Fury: Oh, yeah [Gives each palm a good lick]

I Can

I can stay up all night consoling a sick child.

I can make him feel confident and secure with the person he is.

I can teach him to tie his shoes. 

I can get even get him to eat five servings of vegetables a day. 

But I CAN'T. WRAP. FOR. $H1T.

Wrapping.jpg

Butcher paper and a grease pen would have done this Wii game more justice.