Tales
From The Dadside
W8 Loss Wednesday #5 - Seize the (Cheat) Day
Don't forget to check out my W8 Loss Wednesday buddies:
PG @ AnnoyinglyBoring.com
Scott Townsend @ W8LossWednesday.Blogspot.com
Love Hurts
Fury and his buddy Jaden were discussing the new Ben 10 Alien Force series over pizza this weekend.
Jaden: "I think Kevin is gonna marry Gwen."
Fury: "Yeah, he really likes her a lot."
Jaden: "He's always nice to her."
Fury: "Kevin has such a cramp on her!"
That would totally explain those butterflies.
Reason #34 Why You Don't Want to Meet Me in Person
Alternate title: Why d Wife Won't Watch Movies with Fury and Me
Walking through the mall, kid on shoulders, trying to catch the 4:05 showing of Iron Man...
"Iron Man, Iron Man,
Does whatever an iron can,
Press a shirt, just like that,
No more wrinkles, now it's flat,
Look out, here comes the Iron Man!"
In Other News, Vol. 1
Apparently, blogging about your crazy life as a dad gets you on some radars. This is a good thing. Or will at least lead to good things. Someday. While my pimp-ass yacht isn’t sitting at the marina just yet, I do have a pimpin’ Tamagotchi virtual pet sitting on my kitchen table right now (tune in next week to win one). To accommodate the many interesting pitches from PR firms that I get these days, I have decided to launch a new column called “In Other News.” Basically, this is all the news that I deem interesting or somewhat relevant to parents, that I’m not creative enough to weave into a post about Legos, brulee torches or general strikes against dad. Or they give me cool free stuff…
W8 Loss Wednesday #4 - The Return of Fury
Don't forget to check out my W8 Loss Wednesday buddies:
PG @ AnnoyinglyBoring.com Scott Townsend @ W8LossWednesday.Blogspot.com
Do Labor Unions Hold Drafts?
If so, someone should be watching this kid. Threats made during a recent time-out:
“Dad, I’m not letting you read my book tonight. Mom is!”
Pfft. All the less work for me, kid.
“And you know what? I’m not gonna let you film me for your W8 Loss Wednesday videos anymore!”
Well… maybe my weight loss journey is in and of itself interesting. At least I still have the dogs.
“And I’m not opening any more beers for you!”
Dammit! Now that’s hitting below the belt!
Is This Thing Mine? *TOOOT* *TOOOOT*
Blog closed for repairs. I'm going to send you all on a little detour to Discovering Dad, a very cool dad blog written by Jeremy Biser. This dude has like a hundred blogs, but I like Discovering Dad best. Why? Because this week's Spotlight on Dads is shining on yours truly.
While you're there, make sure to give him props and of course subscribe to his feed and/or bookmark him. He features a different dad every saturday. AND, he's doing something that I wish I had thought of: he's getting the scoop direct from my favorite mom bloggers about issues that men care about, but were too scared to ask. He showed me a preview. It is GOOD. And he gets to email them without getting in trouble. I told you he was wikid smaaaat!
W8 Loss Wednesday #3 - Runnin' with BD
Don't forget to check out my W8 Loss Wednesday buddies:
PG @ AnnoyinglyBoring.com
Scott Townsend @ W8LossWednesday.Blogspot.com
DadCruiser Deluxe Touring Edition
Stability Control and Drink Holder come standard on all 08 models.
W8 Loss Wednesday #2 - The Fury Diet
See how my W8 Loss Wednesday compatriots are doing:
PG @ AnnoyinglyBoring.com
Scott Townsend @ W8LossWednesday.Blogspot.com
You're Now Like... A Kid Or Something
I drove a little slower that day, 6 years and 8 months ago. Not because I was shell shocked (I was). Not because a cocktail of apprehension, bliss, excitement and confusion was coursing through every vessel in my body (it was).
It was because you needed me. I was no longer inconsequential. No longer a reckless Ronin. I mattered.
True, you were but a peapod in suspended in ... stuff. But soon you would grow fingers that would need someone to stick a Scooby Doo band-aid on (even though I can't see this "cut" that you're screaming about). You would grow legs that were "too tired" to walk around Disneyland on (meaning my neck and shoulders will continue to keep chiropractors in business for years to come). You would develop a biting sense of humor that needed a comic foil (and would spawn a blog of epic proportions... ahem).
You sprung this fatherhood thing on me with no advanced warning. I wasn't even done playing Summer Fling Guy with your mama. Talk about now, now, now, now, Dad!
And just when I've begun to acclimate myself to the fact that I have a baby, you go and do what? You turn into a 6-year-old kid! Just yesterday, I was scratching my head over what to do with this:
But back then, all I knew about survival was "keep your hands up," so I figured you were doing alright.
Once we passed the "seven day guarantee" offered by most pet shops, mom and I were relieved that we were at least following the instructions properly. Then we started to have fun with it. Do you remember hearing me sing "Rocket Man" while cracking up and pointing at you? Here's why:
When you weren't strapped to imaginary jetpacks, you were my little lion cub. In fact, I wanted to go to the bar where I met your mama and hoist you up Lion King style for all to see. Instead, I got my Mufasa on by taking naps on the plains with you.
Of course mom had her fun with you too. Her favorite things were your chubby cheeks and tiny feet. And we have so many pictures to prove it.
Oh, I also have to thank you for indulging all my whims, as proven here:
... and here.
I know, you couldn't even stand up on your own yet and there I was getting you ready for your ring debut. But come on, let's be fair. You put us through a lot too--even when you couldn't "walk"--like that time I totally busted you messing with my office equipment!
And then one day you actually learned to walk! As I caught it on film I thought "wow, a self-propelled being!" Despite my comparing you to a guided missile, it was a pretty moving moment.
Now that you could walk, you were a certified bad ass. And training got underway in earnest. First, you had to get that grimace down:
Then, of course, you had to dress the part:
But underneath it all, you remained that cute kid that no one could get enough of.
Considering you had such big shoes to fill, you did a kick ass job!
... and along the way, you gave me a pretty big job as well: Chief Lego Engineer.
Lucky for me, you also began picking up other hobbies. Like bike riding. Which to this day has been my most exhilarating moment with you yet. This also happened to be the day it dawned on me that you were no longer "the baby."
I mean, would a baby have the balls to do this?
You are becoming a true warrior, my son. And I am damn proud of you!
But can you do me one favor? You may be a full fledged boy, and at times (like Sunday at Hooters) even one of "d Boys,"...
... but now can you slow down?
HAPPY 6th BIRTHDAY, FURY!
- Love, Dad
BusyDad
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The Return of Iron Chef Fury: Kitchen Stadium Showdown
[Cool Thing Alert: This is a simul-post with Secret Agent Mama. Visit her site for concurrent play-by-play commentary of her two culinary dynamos as our teams do battle today in Kitchen Stadium.]
If memory serves me right, my mother always said to me, “little chairman, the kitchen is no place for children.” I would then look at her inquisitively and ask “why mama-san, why is that?” and she would say, “because you come in here with your dirty little hands, grab my produce, gaze at it admiringly, take a bite and smile. It creeps me out, little chairman.”
While she was correct about my produce fetish, it seems she misjudged the influence of children on the culinary landscape. Just a few months ago, my newest Iron Chef, Iron Chef Fury, impressed the judges with his schoolyard interpretation of classic fare. Since his debut in Kitchen Stadium, kid chefs from all over the country have been clamoring to do culinary battle with this phenom. I searched far and wide for a worthy team to take on Iron Chef Fury, and my journey led me to Atlanta, where “Secret Agent” chefs Mikey and Livey have been dazzling critics with bold dishes inspired by a fusion of Macedonian culture, southern roots and peanut butter. I’m honored to welcome them to Kitchen Stadium today.
To mark this momentous occasion, I have chosen a theme ingredient truly worthy of our young chefs’ talents. Something that is as much at home in a Blues Clues lunchbox as it is on a prix fixe menu...
CHEESE!
Allez Cuisine!
Today's Challengers
The Iron Chefs
Fukui: Oh! Cheese. What a smart move by the Chairman! Who doesn’t love cheese? Let’s go to the floor.
Ohta: Iron Chef Fury just flashed a “rock on” to the audience and is headed for the pantry. No! Wait, he’s going into the audience and getting something from his mom. It looks like... could it be?
Fukui: Ohhh, from here it looks like... Bada??
Ohta: Yes! Yes, Fukui-san. Iron Chef Fury tells me that his friend and mentor Bada came out of retirement just for today to lend him some much needed moral support.
Fukui: Well it looks like this put Iron Chef Fury in good spirits for today’s throwdown.
Ohta: And a-throwin’ he is, Fukui-san! Taking a page from his last battle, he’s hand tossing some pizza dough. He says to me that he knows he did this last time, but the chicks dig it. Can’t argue with success!
Japanese female star of stage and screen: hee hee hee throw Fury throw! I used to throw things when I was young hee hee hee. It was soo fun.
Fukui: *sigh* Hey - let’s listen in on Iron Chef Fury as he discusses strategy with his coach Iron Chef BusyDad.
IC BusyDad: Ok Fury, what do you like that’s made with cheese?
IC Fury: Pizza!
IC BusyDad: Ok, but for this battle, you need to make something that’s different. Like you don’t eat it everyday. Can you think of something else that’s made with cheese?
IC Fury: Mac ‘n Cheese!
IC BusyDad: Can you do something different with Mac ‘n Cheese?
IC Fury: I can put it on pizza!
IC BusyDad: You will go far, my son.
Fukui: Ohta, did I hear that correctly? Is he making a Mac ‘n Cheese Pizza?
Ohta: Oh yes. And not only that, Iron Chef Fury just informed me that he’s putting two of his favorite things on this pizza: bacon and mushrooms.
Fukui: It doesn’t look like anything’s actually making it onto the pizza itself.
Ohta: You would be right on that too, Fukui-san.
Fukui: Ok, it looks like that one’s ready for the oven. I wonder what they have in store for us next! Let’s listen...
IC BusyDad: Ok Fury, what other fun stuff can we make with cheese?
IC Fury: A grilled cheese!
IC BusyDad: I love grilled cheese... but that’s not too different.
IC Fury: What about a backwards grilled cheese!
IC BusyDad: Um... what?
IC Fury: A grilled cheese with cheese on the outside!
IC BusyDad: That’s a great idea, but that will make the pan really messy because the cheese would melt on the pan and then it would stick and then... OH. Wait one minute. I will be right back.
Ohta: Fukui-san?
Fukui: Yes Ohta, go ahead.
Ohta: It seems as if Iron Chef BusyDad ran off the stage and is now running back with... safety goggles? And what’s this? A brulee torch??
Fukui: I hope the Department of Children and Family Services is not watching this broadcast.
Japanese female star of stage and screen: hee hee hee social workers took my kids away hee hee hee. It was sooo funny!
Ohta: Where did we get her? Oh – Iron Chef BusyDad informs me that they intend to attempt Iron Chef Fury’s "Backwards Grilled Cheese" by wrapping baguette slices in provolone and then torching them to melt the cheese on the outside.
Fukui: I see Iron Chef is testing ingredients again. What dedication to his craft!
Fukui: I think this is the part where we’re supposed to say “kids, don’t try this at home. These are trained professionals.”
Ohta: Indeed they are. Fukui-San?
Fukui: Yes Ohta, go ahead.
Ohta: Iron Chef BusyDad informs me that they need time to regroup.
Fukui: Whatever could that mean?
Ohta: Well it looks like they have time for one more dish. I hear Iron Chef Fury discussing it right now. Let’s listen in.
IC BusyDad: Ok, we have time for one more dish. Maybe a dessert? What dessert can you make with cheese? Let’s see, you have cheesecake, you have danishes, you have cannolis...
IC Fury: Cannolis! I want to make Cannolis!
IC BusyDad: Ohhh that’s a tough one, son. The shells are hard to come by here, and we don’t have time to make them by hand...
IC Fury: Make it a smoothie!
IC BusyDad: A WHAT??
IC Fury: A cannoli smoothie!
IC BusyDad: Oh boy, this is the wild card item for sure.
Ohta: It seems like the Iron Chefs are going to attempt to make a cannoli smoothie... whatever that means. I see some vanilla ice cream, mascarpone cheese, ice, milk, cinnamon and cookies.
Fukui: Now that looks different. And good! And just in time too. Because in 5-4-3-2-1... the cheese battle iiiis ooooovvvvvaaaaa!!
Ohta: So, Iron Chef Busy Dad, how do you feel about your showing in today’s cheese battle?
IC BusyDad: Yes, yes. I did my best. Yes, yes. It was tough, yes, yes. I hope for the best, yes, yes. The judges, yes yes... I hope they see it the same, yes, yes.
IC Fury: Dad, why are you talking like that?
IC BusyDad: I have no idea. I thought that’s how all Iron Chefs were supposed to talk.
Plated and ready-to-go
W8Loss Wednesday - Into the Fray I Go
For those of you who have been keeping up with W8Loss Wednesday over at PG's AnnoyinglyBoring and Scott Townsend's W8LossWednesday blogs, you may have noticed that it's been a 2-man race for the past 3 months. That's because I was extremely successful at convincing myself that I didn't need no stinkin' competition to keep me in shape. Well if I was doing so well, this wouldn't have happened:
Fury is watching TV in our room as I pass by, looking for a T-shirt.
“Hey dad you look strong!”
Flexing juuust a little, I turn around.
“Thanks Fury!”
“...and fat in the front.”
Wait up guys! Right behind ya...
No Post-Enhancing Drugs Were Used
… and I swear my BAC was .08 or less the whole way (if you don’t count the pesky decimal point). Yes, folks, I have made it to 100 posts. And let me tell you something. It was a lot easier coming up with 100 posts than trying to complete this “100 Things About Me” list that seems to be the obligatory self-initiation ritual for the Century Club. So please make the months of racking my brain for random stuff worthwhile by reading this.
If You're Not On The Guest List, Try The Viper Room
Some time around St. Patrick's day, I recieved an email from my friend (and de facto ambassador of Salt Lake City) "JMax" from Welcome to Schaererville. Attached was a graphic that some editors from The Salt Lake Tribune had put together as a guide to maximize your chances of getting a drink during the hectic weekend festivities.
Her email opened with "When this graphic came out I thought of you immediately." I can't imagine why...
"Oh Fuuuuuury... come heeeeere..."
Birth of a Nightclub Mogul
"Yeah! Let's make a bar, Dad!" beams my son, as he makes a bee-line for the Jawa Sandcrawler in our garage/playroom. He carefully extracts the control room and sets it aside. I cringe. But for the sake of a potentially cool blog post, I let it go. More digging around. The Lego Bionicle fort is now dismantled. Legos fly, pieces click, fingers work.
"Dad, I made the bartenders."
"You gave them all cars??"
"Yeah, they need to get to work don't they?"
My son, the benevolent mogul.
"This is the stove area. You can turn the fire on and off."
"Oh your bar serves food?"
"Yes, it's a bar & grille."
Not that it's a bad word, but where in the heck did he pick up the term bar & grille??
"Well that's good. So what if I wanted a Newcastle with my burger?"
"Right here, Dad. The beer machine. Aaaand, outside we have a beer fountain!!"
I SO hope he pursues this line of work. He's already showing signs of genius.
It definitely works better as a tap than a radar antenna.
I dub the bar "Fury's Playroom" and I must say it is coming along nicely. He's built a raised VIP area, a front entrance (complete with an awning he fashioned from a cockpit dome), a lobby, and yes even a DJ booth! I have to laugh out loud at this (and bring the camera into the kitchen to show d Wife who busts out in a rare fit of laughter).
Note the backwards cap. Brilliance lies in the details.
Things are not proceeding according to schedule. The mogul loses his cool.
"Dad! All the guests are coming and we're not even ready!!"
Clearly, this boy needs an assistant.
As patrons line up, I arrange all the separate modules that he's built together on the floor. Lo and behold, it looks like an actual nightclub!
Building one of these is part of the "L.A. Kid" aptitude test.
Opening Night, "Fury's Playroom"
As limos pull up and starlets file in, I'm feeling mighty good. Our PR firm did a great job wrangling the who's who of Hollywood to join us in our little soiree. Uh oh! Someone's getting a little mouthy with our bouncer Hewkii Matoro. But he takes care of things like a true professional.
We had to grease some palms to get that unsanctioned lightsaber.
Ok enough loitering. Time for me to go in and enjoy this party!
Hewkii Matoro: Excuse me sir, you can't come in like that.
Me: No excuse ME. What did you just say to me?
Hewkii Matoro: You can't come in like that. Sir. You have to have a collared shirt. Please step aside.
Me: Do you know who I am??
Hewkii Matoro: Yeah, you're so-and-so's guest who should have put you on the list, but she forgot to phone it in, but you know some very important people and I'll never work in this town again, right? Please step aside.
Me: Man, you are so dead! I'm Fury's dad! Hey! Fury! Tell your bucket-o-bolts bouncer dude to let me in!
Fury: Dad ... dad ... if I had to make an exception every time someone said they knew me... besides, you're making my friend here uncomfortable. Just chill them jets and ... HEY, Paris! Looking good. HEF! You old dog, get over here and bring your friends.