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What, Me Paddle?

A look at parenting through testosterone-tinted beer goggles.

The Cast:
BusyDad (Jim)
Working dad doing his darndest
Fury (Marcus)
8-year-old boy and future revolutionary
Lessi (Alessia)
My source for organic new baby smell
d Wife (Lisa)
BusyDad’s reality check
Krypto (Dog #1)
Witness to the insanity and chewer of things
BJ (Dog #2)
Yapping spreader of love and poops

My Dad was an ambassador of a country. I'm an ambassador of butt wipes. I'm sure he's proud:

If you just read these, I'm good:
If Jeopardy Were Written by Parents

(Toy) Breaking News
What Ever Happened to "Girls Have Cooties"??
Knocking Out My Demons
Homies on a Train
Iron Chef Fury
Such Sweet Sorrow
Darwin Would Be Proud
Crossing Over
Respeqt my Intelleqt, Qid!

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Sunday
Aug292010

Leo Burnett will regret (or heartily applaud) not hiring me

When I was a fresh college grad, I interviewed with Leo Burnett, one of the world's top 10 ad agencies. I made it through the college recruiting process and was flown to their Chicago headquarters for a day of second round interviews. I was 9 gatekeepers away from achieving my lifelong dream of being a hotshot ad executive. All I had to do was convince 5 of them that I was the right man for the job.

I convinced 4. I was crushed.

That day, I doused my dream with lighter fluid, lit it on fire and stomped on its charred remains. I'm not good at dealing with failure.

Keep the above backstory in mind. Let me move onto the topic of the day: wipes. I'm thinking by now you've clued into the fact that I'm doing this campaign for Huggies. Before all this, I honestly thought "pfft. wipes are wipes." In fact, right after the wipes Huggies sent me ran out, we went and bought some el cheapo ones. They ripped on me. Multiple times. Right as I was grabbing them out of our dispenser. Right when Lessi was pooping mid-change. I wish someone were there to take a picture of me every time I stood dumbfounded, one hand hoisting my baby's legs, the other hand weilding a torn-off corner of a bargain baby wipe. FAILblog gold.

And the other day, out of the blue, d wife texted me wistfully about the days when we had the "good wipes." The pain is real, ladies and gentlemen.

Huggies, you inspired me. Not only to wipe with confidence, but also to tell the world through advertising how good your wipes are. Today, my dream rises up from the ashes. Leo Burnett executive number 5, eat your heart out.

By the way, I'm giving away 5 tubs of the good stuff. If you have a baby or anything else you'd like wiped, leave a comment with a good poop story of your own. Or tell me how awesome I am at commercials. I'll randomly draw a winner next week.

Friday
Aug272010

Reconnecting

Last weekend, I flew home to Boston. I didn't gather up the wife and kiddies, didn't call a bunch of friends in town, didn't make plans to hit all my favorite eateries, didn't do much more than pack a black suit and a toothbrush, really. I flew home to pay respects to my grandfather, who had just passed away.

Grandpa savored life. He loved his family, loved a bloody prime rib, loved riding his bikes, and loved a good bargain. A true weekend yardsale marauder, he was. Where do you think he bought all those assorted bikes? As sad as we were that he was no longer with us, we looked upon this as a chance to spend time together as a solid branch of the family tree that he and my grandma nurtured for over a half a century.

Because it was long overdue.

This picture below? Has never happened in our family history. All five of his grandchildren in one place at the same time. We've always been too busy living our respective lives in Houston, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Boston and who knows where else to let our grandma smell-kiss all our heads and take a picture with her.

By the way, it totally messes with your mind when you find out that the cousin you haven't seen since she was 3 is now an architect (top right).

It's also quite awesome to be able to buy your cousins a round of brews in Harvard Square.

And then take them to check out your freshman dorm, regaling them with tales of... well not much actually. College wasn't all it was cracked up to be. But being on campus after not setting foot on its hallowed grounds for 16 years (stop doing math in your head. I'm just old, ok?) really rocked. As I'm trying to pantomime below.

Being home also meant spending quality time with mom. Here's me going to the pub, while mom waits in the car.

Before you all throw internet rocks at me, I did invite her to come with. This was the night she was shuttling everyone from the airport, and we had 20 minutes to kill before we had to get my sister. She knows I need my Guinness. And she just wanted to rest. We both got what we wanted.

It was also quite amusing to see my old room. Since moving out in 1990, my mom has turned my room into her office. But she kept my posters on the wall, like an embarrasing time capsule.

If you follow me on Twitter, you may have seen me talking about what a gigantic fish nerd I am. Well, here's proof:

Freshwater Bass of Norh America, yo. Ladies, control yourselves.

This one actually redeems my hip cred a little bit. A flyer I took from a club when I saw Social Distortion in the early 90's.

I had a Facebook page in 1990. This one had staples in it, and it was really hard to change your profile pic. Otherwise, I totally would have.

Whenever I go home to Boston, I have to bring back one thing: a decent cannoli. This means that I dragged my cousins under the guise of sightseeing to the North End, Boston's version of Little Italy. The North End is beautiful. Here's a thousand words to describe it:

But of course, it's also a tourist attraction, so that means lots of restaurants with TVs... playing every iconic "Italian American" movie ever made, on repeat.

These damn tourists also make it as hard to buy a cannoli as it is to ride Space Mountain. This meant there was no way I was going to subject my cousins to it. This decision was followed by the customary "no cannoli for me" version of that scene from Platoon.

Upon picking up on my subtle despair, my cousin Laurinda said "Wait. You were on a food mission? I didn't realize this was a food mission. I never give up on a food mission! We're going to wait in line!"

We are family. All my crazy cousins and me.

Because you have to be, in order to wait in a line like this for a pastry item.

Well, not exactly "a"... make that a whole stinkin' box of 20!!

We ate well that night. On the sidewalk. And people actually tried to buy some from me. I told them they could have my cannoli when they pried it out of my cold sticky hands.

The next morning, I said goodbye to my house...

And my city...

... and returned home.

Come on kids! We've gone over this. The "Children of Asian parents" contract clearly stipulates Ivy League souvenir clothing items in the Terms and Conditions.

Grandpa, thank you for giving us the strong roots to make all this possible.

In memory of Cheng-Hwa Lin 1916 - 2010

Sunday
Aug222010

The Tao of Poo

Hi everyone, I'm Alessia. But you can call me Lessi. My dad made me guest post today because he's busy blogging on Huggies' new blog HighChairCritics.com. Sure dad, work the paid gig and leave the "keepin it real" stuff to your infant daughter. Hey, I wasn't born yesterday, you know. In fact, it's been at least like 90 days. Those free diapers benefit you more than me. I'm just as happy going au naturel on the couch knowwhutimean? If you know what's good for you, you better start saving up for that pony. By the way, what kind of a nickname is Lessi? My big brother gets a badass nickname with a compelling backstory, and what do I get? A measly vowel removed from each end of my name.

Uninspired nicknames aside, I like being a part of this family, and I do understand that with it, comes certain duties. The main one being working the family blog with my brother. Well, at least it's not planting rice. All hail the digital age!

So, readers of the Lin Family blog, I'd like to drop some wisdom on you today. You may be smart grown-ups and stuff, but I know a thing or two about good living, because I don't have a boss, a lienholder or kids. Also, I haven't learned how to do a proper topical segway, so here goes.

A genuine smile can make someone's day.

It can also cause a chain reaction. Especially if you tweet it.

Dads are great, but never as good as moms.

No boobies. Sorry dad, you lose.

Allow yourself to be mesmerized.

This dragonfly is awesome. It moves back and forth. It is colorful. And when it stops, all I have to do is cry and someone will make it move again. The basic principles of physics and social manipulation rolled into one. Fascinating. Which brings me to my next tidbit (oh, I'm starting to get this segway thing)...

To get what you want, sometimes you've got to make some noise.

You might get passed around a lot, but eventually someone will break down and carry/bounce you in endless laps around the living room at 4am. At least he got to watch 3 episodes of Dexter while doing it.

Fall asleep in the car. There is nothing better.

I learned that from my big brother.

No wait -- a burp and a nap. That pretty much rules the world.

Case closed.

Poop (in a well-shaped diaper, no less) is love.

Ok, well, creation is love, but until I can churn out drawings that you can adoringly stick on the fridge, poop is all I got in that department.

p-p-p-pooper face p-p-pooper faceIn fact, just the other day, when dad had to fly to Boston, I showed him just how much I loved him by making a good-bye poop. I even timed it perfectly to when we had to rush out the door. He laughed, put down his bags and changed me while mom and Fury waited in the car. After he gave me a fresh new diaper I thought since he would be gone for a few days, another expression of love was in order. He looked at his watch, smiled once more and opened my second present and began to change me. This time I thought "how about one for the road?" I didn't even bother to wait for the new diaper.

I've never heard the phrase "oh my #$%@ no %^$# way!" but I think it means "that's the best going away present ever! You're the best!"

Well, that's all I got for now. I've only been around a few months. I'll think up some more later. But first, I'm going to shop these gems of knowledge to a fortune cookie company. They may pay better than dad. 

[BusyDad covering his butt: I have partnered with the Huggies® brand to help promote Huggies® Little Movers Diapers. They paid me in cash and diapers, (which just sounds more like a ransom arrangement than a business one) in exchange for neglecting my wife to write about my experiences from my daughter’s point of view here and on HighChairCritics.com. Which, come to think of it, is who I should use that cash on, if I know what's good for me. My opinions and absurdity are entirely my own, because I'm sure Huggies isn't some crazy Asian guy punch drunk on parenting and lack of sleep.]

Thursday
Aug122010

The Grisliest: a crime scene investigation

The following is a guest post written by Dextero Morgane, Poo Spatter Analyst, Miami Metro Police Dept.

It isn't pretty. It never is. Mostly because the worst offenders are always so cute. They fully distract you with their angelic cooing, full-cheeked smiles and tiny feet. Oh, the feet! And by the time most victims realize what's happening, they're a full arm's reach and at least 4 seconds of unfolding time away from a fresh, tightly secured diaper.

Mid-Change Pooing. The grisliest of baby-on-parent crimes.

I was recently called in to investigate a code #2, and I want to give you a glimpse what goes on behind the scenes. Not because I want to shock you, but because this is a crime that the public needs to be aware of. We can't just Purell our collective hands and pretend it doesn't happen. In fact, listen out your window right now. You might hear the characteristic "eeeeeeewwwwwww. ew. ew. EWW. Honey? omigodomigodomigod!" that victims of this crime invariably proclaim as it is being perpetrated upon them. These were probably this victim's final words -- before he stripped off every item of clothing and bolted into the shower.

The surveillance footage we obtained from nearby closed circuit cameras was quite lousy. Luckily, the Google Street Maps Van exists. It never misses a beat:

Judging from the placement of the stains, I would estimate the origin of the poo to be roughly 6 or 7 feet to the left of this crib. However, there is a noticeable break in the pattern, indicating some sort of obstacle interrupting the poo flow mid-flight.

The above picture indicates that the crib got hit with an unhindered poo stream, almost mocking the diaper pail directly beneath it.

Too little too late. With his arm covered in poo, the victim is seen here trying to stem the flow. More out of reflex than any real hope.

I had seen this pattern before. And I had a hunch who the suspect might be. But I had to model the poo spatter to really break down what happened that day:

The spatter pattern on the side of the crib was forceful and unhindered, spraying in a downward trajectory. This tells me the perpetrator was diaperless the moment she struck. The continuous unbroken stream also indicates that the victim was unaware of any problems when this happened, or else he would have reflexively stuck out a hand or arm in a futile effort to "catch" the poo. He was most likely looking the other direction to grab a new diaper.

This spot is about 3 feet further from the original impact point shown above. I'm hypothesizing that upon realizing that a poo stream had begun, the victim tried desperately to lift the baby's legs up to tuck one side of the new diaper under her. In doing so, he altered the angle and trajectory of the poo stream, thus sending it over the top of the rail and producing a perfect quadruple rainbow of poo.

 

Realizing the gravity of the new situation, as well as the baby's gastro-pneumatic potential, the victim then valiantly attempted to redirect as much of the poo stream to the new, albeit hastily laid out diaper underneath the baby. The poo stream hit his arm at full velocity, sending a good amount of poo into the diaper, and a small but strip-worthy amount onto his PJs.

This baby had power. This baby was capable of recharging and reloading. This baby utilized impeccable timing. I have seen this baby's handiwork before. Her name is Hannibal Lessi and she is on a mission to crush the Huggies Poo Free movement.

I don't know where she's headed next. All I can do is follow the trail and clean up after her. Good citizens, be vigilant. And carry plenty of wipes.

* * * * * *

What was this all about?

I'm one of the Huggies Wipes Ambassadors, aka Poo Free Parent Squad. To celebrate the fact that Huggies Wipes are the thickEST wipes (vs National Brands) they’ve dedicated an entire week to celebrate this essential superlative (at least when it comes to wiping poo). Throughout the past week, the entire Poo Free Parent Squad has shared posts that highlight the silliEST, funniEST, poopiEST, craziEST, cutEST aspects of parenthood and poop tales. Check out the rest of the ‘EST’ party on their Facebook and Twitter pages.

Wednesday
Aug112010

Stupid Blogger Tricks... really stupid

Aimee "Greeblemonkey's" mom is in the hospital. Amy wants to make her mom laugh. So she posted a video of herself putting her toe in her mouth. Then she asked other bloggers to step up and post their stupidist (most stupid?) tricks so that she could show her mom.

Originally, I was going to post a video of me doing impersonations of all the SpongeBob characters (trust me, I rock 80% of them), but then fate stepped in. My family was over at my friend Lolita's house for dinner tonight. We got to talking about her dog Gidget, who has a talent for escaping enclosed areas, like their yard. Lolita  mentioned the invisible electric dog fence that she just had installed. Then she showed me the collar.

If you know me at all, you can figure the rest out. Amy, I sincerely hope your mom pees her hospital gown once more.